Nothing new,
nothing to hide pain.
The dreary rain just pounding.
Can't you see the difference between us.
This could never work.
This is to be the end-
Of us.
Why couldn't you just see-
Us.
Why couldn't you just believe-
In us.
Just a memory to hide away.
In this dark escape,
nothing will tear me away.
I'm drowning in my own dreams.
The irony can set me free,
from you- because of all the diffrence,
you could have made...
all my dreams come true.
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141,727 Literary Works • 675,620 Reviews
I like this! It's quite lyrical, and pretty to read. I wish I could play guitar better so that I could try and make up a melody for it.
This is definitely my favorite stanza. It's one of those things that you can just understabd immediately; it's a feeling that most everybodu's had.
Also, "difference" is spelled with an E. I think that's the only misspelling I can find, though.
One thing: The second stanza is a little weak. I can't exactly pinpoint how, but it could be because the rhythm is a little off with the long-then-short lines. Maybe if you fleshed it out a little? I don't know. Reread it and see if you think that it's a little rhythmically difficult.
I really did like this.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
I think this work has a lot of potential. But, it seems like the first half and second half aren't really related. I know that you're not finished with it yet, it just seems to me that your sorrow is rain, then it's all his fault. I'd suggest either throwing the rain metaphor out, or carrying it throughout the song.
Don't get me wrong, I like the rain metaphor. Your diction in this song is really good; my only suggestion would be to carry the same ideas through the song.
Wow, i quite like this.
It's super.
I especially like these two little bits;
"The dreary rain just pounding.
Can't you see the difference between us.
This could never work. "
The rain line is nice,
and
"This is to be the end-
Of us.
Why couldn't you just see-
Us.
Why couldn't you just believe-
In us. "
I like the repetition.
I have nothing bad to say.
Bye,
x