I LOVED the first verse, but then it started to unravel. "The rain hard running down my back" makes no sense. Take out the "hard" and it works. I also agree that more consistency would help. I might put some of the chorus lines together so you can make it one stanza. Personally, I find two-stanza choruses annoying, but maybe that's just me.
the pittering of my dreams
the patter when they shatter
I really liked that lines. Overall, not bad!
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