This is actually a writing project I had back in 8th grade. I've saved it and I thought I might let people on YWS read it and tell me what they think.
Note the date in the letter.
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May 14, 2065
Dr. Daniel Bruntis
Burns bury Clinic
15764 Burns bury Rd.
Baltimore, Maryland A1A 1A1
(604) 435-0786
Dear Dr. Bruntis
It has come to my attention that the doctors of Burnsbury Clinic and those of the AMA (American Medical Association) refuse to categorize Techno-holism as an illness.
However I am to know, that you show curiousity towards this subject and wish to know more. I will quite gladly share you my experience with this illness. Dr. Alligood, an expert on this techno-holism, treated me in his surgery; the Thomas Edison Clinic located in Woodside, California. I would recommend you to have a talk with him on this case.
Before I came to Edison Clinic, I was quite dependent on the technologies of this day. There was this one time, when I got lost on my way to get to a business meeting. My GPS system had broken down somehow and I didn't know what to do.
Of course when I somehow, got home, hours later, my Mother decided that a map wasn't so old fashioned and showed me how to use it. Another time, the batteries in my toothbrush ran out and I sat in the bathroom most of the day not knowing what I should do. It was a stat holiday and all the stores were closed.
My grandfather showed me how could scrub my teeth my self, moving my hands while I held my toothbrush against my teeth, up down, and side-to-side.
Many things like this happened but my family had the last straw, when I got stuck in my office building over the weekend because the escalator had stopped running and I didn't know how do get down. On Monday however, my co-workers showed me how I could CLIMB down the escalator.
My friends and family took me to the Edison Clinic and showed me to Dr. Alligood who told me that I was a patient of techno-holism.
My therapy included, living in a small room with only a few bare necessities. As days passed by and agonies of being without my Blackberry became bearable I was allowed venturing out.
Once Dr. Alligood insisted that I take a trip with him for about a mile or so. I had never in my life covered a whole mile, on one walk. I insisted we take a car, but Dr. Alligood was firm so we set out. It was a long, tiring and difficult task and I somehow arrived back at the clinic, sweaty, out of breath and my feet sore.
The next day we set out for the walk and then the next, but for the rest of the week he didn't ask me anymore. The next week however, the doctor proposed for the trip again and I quickly told him, NO WAY. But he said this time I won't have to walk.
Thinking we were going to drive I agreed. But we didn't drive, we rode a bicycle. The bicycle was a means of transport, many years back. It consisted of only two wheels, and I had to pedal. I found the riding of the bike quite difficult, but easier than the walk. We rode the bicycle everyday and slowly I came to enjoy it.
On the last few days of my stay at the clinic, doctor thought it would be nice to go for a trip. Thinking it was another cycling trip I agreed. But we were going to drive. I found driving the car luxurious after my experience of a more physical way of traveling. However it was not as much fun.
Since my therapy, I can now enjoy brushing my teeth the normal way, getting around without my GPS, and walking down stairs. Dr. Alligood has taught me how to appreciate technology but also how to appreciate the old ways. Like talking a walk in the fresh air, which is better for our health than driving all the time.
I now enjoy the old fashion ways so much so that some of my friends are thinking of getting me treated for technophobia. But I don't believe I have technophobia, I have just learned how to keep a balance of technology in my life.
Hope this Helped!
Sincerely,
Selfertarius Jonbobachee
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139,061 Literary Works • 672,403 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a really interesting short story and I liked how you have managed to portray such an important message through it. I have never really seen anyone convey a lesson in this format, and I have to say the idea was rather unique and interesting. It reads like a lesson parted from an elder to the young, as he shares his experiences to help him overcome the same problem.
I really liked this part and every other situation when the narrator hit a stone wall because he did not know how to function with the absence of technology. It was humorous as well, because we really cannot imagine a situation where a person does not how to climb down the stairs or brush his teeth. However, the narrator's genuine confusion surrounding these basic tasks was hilarious and we can really see how clueless he is about these things. It adds to the seriousness of his technoholism, and at the same time makes the readers smile at the ridiculousness of the situation.
I liked the fact that actually got into the details of the narrator's therapy. I did not really expect that we would get to be a part of his recovery as well, but it was definitely a treat. The idea of going on walks and bicycle rides was fantastic. I do wish that you could have expanded that part a bit as it is what eventually treats his 'technoholism'. Perhaps, you can mention what he saw during those rides - if there were flowers blooming under the sun or children playing on the road - just these small natural observations that make these experiences feel so basic and human and relaxing. Maybe mention how it made him feel, these small sights of mother nature and innocence that he would have missed otherwise.
Overall, the story was really good and I think you presented your message very clearly in bold words. However, there were quite a few typos that sometimes got in the way of your narration. You can get rid of them through some simple edits though, so no need yo worry about that!
The 'I am to know' sounds a bit awkward and does not really fit well with the sentence. Perhaps, you can rephrase it as: "However I have come to know, that you show curiousity towards this subject and wish to know more."
The expression 'gladly share you' suggests that the narrator is going to share this person. However, since you are trying to convey a very different meaning through the sentence, you need to put a 'with' after 'share'. It will be : "share with you my experience."
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
ok Chocoholic I edited my piece and made the changes.
Thanks for posting a reply.
I haven't been getting very many reviews lately.
Haha! That was funny. I know some people who are like that, they need technology in thier lives or they can't do anything, pretty much.
You said clinic twice here. It seems repeatative and doesn't flow. Perphaps changing the first one to surgery.
The comma is unnessacery here.
Perphaps change the After to Since, or getting rid of the now.
I loved the last bit. This was really cool.