A Star's Testimony
I was there when they split,
when they made killing tools
I was there to see them use the tools to kill each other
And keep on killing
I was there when they built a disregard for people who were different from them.
when brothers split, rights of mothers were snatched away.
I was there to see them ruin their world.
kill each other for worldly things,
and then die at the attempt.
I was there to witness the deaths of numerous innocent children.
when children went to bed with an empty stomach.
I was there when even the earth sagged, carrying the evil deeds of the creature it held.
I was there to see a poor man live side by side a rich,
but still be going poorer, while the rich kept getting richer.
when a life lost become no big deal to them.
when animal-like habits became civil.
I was there to see them ruin their world.
I was there when their rights were based on the colour of their skin.
when their hearts became rock hard, full of envy, anger and greed.
I was there to see them turn against their friends,
and team up with their enemies.
Their world became corrupt.
And they have nobody to blame but themselves.
I am still there watching them blunder,
But if the young turn around the evils that have become tradition,
then they have a chance to survive together.
They can change this world around.
They have to show each other that they are not animals,
but intellectual beings.
This is a warning to them and if they do not heed it
The will all surely face terrible consequences,
more terrible than the ones they already face today.
And I'm still watching them,
way above their heads,
twinkling like a diamond in the sky.
Watching them ruining their world.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey there!
I edited the caps out of your title, just so you know! They're annoying and bother peoples eyes, so it isn't allowed.
Thanks Guys!
CK: I understand what you mean by trying to ease the transition but I was clueless as to how to do it.
Vernon: I took out many 'I's and 'I was there's. Is it better now? Or still too much repetition??
From the title I was expecting a good poem. I won't lie, this has much potential if used. But you're main problem is you repeat I too much. It gets rather irritating. Maybe get rid of some of the ideas and work on having a few lines for each idea. This idea was terribly original you just need to get rid of repition. It's a exellent structure and idea is brilliant just work on having fewer ideas in each stanza and expanding on these ideas. Overall: Edit this to the specification, you'll have an amazing poem.
Good luck
VSN
This was very different, dark and bittersweet. I liked the constant rythmn, very nice. This kind of reminds me of a song I heard in church..."I was there..." or something like that. One thing I would reccomend changing is how the poem seems to split at the middle. Both parts are good, but somewhat disjointed. Ease the transition.
Hello!
This might be intentional, but I don't like the repetition of "world" here.Like I told you, I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to poetry, but I hope this helps nonetheless.
Do you mean "empty-stomached?" Or maybe "with an empty stomach?" The way it is now doesn't really work.
Personally, I would hyphenate "animal like" so that it's "animal-like" but I guess that's up to you.
This should be "And they have nobody to blame but themselves."
I don't like the repetition of "around" here.
-------------------
I think you should change the title. It gives the ending away. I really would have liked it a lot more if it was a surprise ending.
Another thing I noticed is that your punctuation and capitalization seem kind of random... to me, anyway. For example:
Why does the first one have a comma at the line break, and the next letter is capital... but the second one has no comma and the next letter isn't capital? And you don't just capitalize when there's a comma, either--which is showed in the third example.
Overall, I liked this. A lot. Quite a lot. *gives you a gold star*
I don't know much about poetry, but I think I can recognize the good stuff when I read it. ^_~
I hope this helps! PM me if I was unclear about anything.
~Azila~
This was very eye-opening. A new point of view, a new perspective that I think all of humanity has forgotten about. If everyone could see through this star's eyes, maybe, perhaps, we could save our world. Incredible :]