A Dandelion Wish
A childish face,
Troubled with the ordeals of life
Sought refuge,
In the damp green grass,
On a bright afternoon.
Tear faced,
he buried his head,
In his arms.
His shoulders shook slightly,
As he sobbed,
For he was
Only a child and already,
Sick of life.
Though so innocent,
Happiness had betrayed him,
And life had left him aghast,
Showing him such cruelty
Such burdens that the
Frail shoulders could not bear,
Finding solace under the sun
Among the white dandelions
He had confessed,
All of life's troubles,
He had somehow lived through.
Spying a round fluffy dandelion,
He plucked it and,
From the depths of his innocent soul
He whispered a prayer of hope,
And a wish and softly blew on the flower,
Sending the seeds on their way,
His prayer was so sincere that,
It couldn't help but be,
Answered, for it is known
The little boy left this world,
To live in a better one.
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
i liked your choice of the words and how you've put them together : ]
wish you a great weekend
but i think you could do it a little bit better.
you know, there is a really funny saying in hebrew: "if the world turns his back on you, touch its ass"
you know what..? it works! it really does!!!
XD
shabat shalom
I have to agree with Cade's comments about the commas and such. I think you're sort of... over-punctuating.
The second part of the poem with the dandelion is very nice. It gives the reader a good, solid image to relate to. The first three stanzas, though, are not as vivid. I feel like they're a little repetitive - why is the child so upset, so disillusioned? Family troubles, abuse? A chronic illness? What are these "ordeals of life" that he is faced with?
Otherwise, this poem reads very nicely, and the images of childhood innocence and the dandelion complement each other very, very well.
i really like your choice of words, i could put a mental image in my mind. the emotion was also there. you did a great job.
kim
ARGH. I was writing my critique and all of a sudden, for no particular reason, YWS took me to the home page and bye-bye critique.
This implies that "a childish face" was the thing seeking refuge. I think you mean to say that the entire child, not just his face, was seeking refuge.Anyway.
Cliche. The premise is a bit tired--a child making a wish for a better life, whether he is throwing a penny down a well or blowing on a dandelion. It's fine to do older ideas in your writing, but remember to make the poem your own, not just a repetition of everything that's been said before.
Imagery. That said, you did a great job placing this in an actual moment in time. Inexperienced poets often spew just vague emotion with no images, much less an actual setting, involved. You did a good job putting this in context.
Punctuation. There exists a misconception that one must place commas at the end of every line in a poem. This is an evil lie. If you wouldn't place a comma somewhere in normal prose writing, don't put it in your poem.
Sentence structure.
This implied that "he" is "tear faced". It only sort of makes sense. Saying that he is tear-faced makes me think that the boy is covered in tears. Not sure on that. Also, "tear-faced" is awkward.
This implies that "happiness", rather than the boy, is "innocent".
Most of the sentences themselves are long and drawn-out, just comma after comma with no end in sight. Think about where you naturally stop when reading it aloud and put some periods in. This makes the poem easier to read and easier to understand.
Good luck!
-Colleen
I enjoyed reading this as the imagery and ideas were nice, simple and well written.
This is OK as it is, however I think it would be more fitting if it was re-phrased. For example:
Tear streaked,
he buried his face,
in his arms.
Excellent stanza.
'Spying' seems odd as you say in the previous stanza 'Among the white dandelions'. This gives the impression of many dandelions. A field of them almost. 'Spying' seems like he had to search to find one. If you are trying to say that he had to search to find a round, fluffy one then make it more clear. Say the most fluffy or something along those lines.
I understand that a prayer and a wish are two different things, but it seems unnecessary to say wish after having said prayer. Could this be incorporated in a better way?
Overall, this was good and sweet.
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxx