For Gadi's Contest.
Please answer these question regarding my poem.
-Does this poem flow ok? If it doesn't how can I make it so.
-Punctuation. Please help me with it. When It comes to poetry, I'm clueless.
-The emotion brought our properly though words?
-Does this poem sound too scattered?
BEFORE:
Cure Me Please
Am I sick?
Is it a disease?
The unexplainable sadness
An emptiness in my soul.
A dull ache in my chest
A hollowness that springs up when in solitude.
Cure me please.
Fill that gap within me.
What is it?
Questions roam my mind,
Tears flow down my cheeks,
while I ransack my soul for answers.
Answers that can’t be taught to me,
but I must learn.
Words cannot describe it,
for words are too materialistic.
They limit my emotions,
they limit my mind, my vitality
Whisper the formula in my soul,
Tell me why I am.
Tell me who you are.
I feel you,
I feel your warmness.
Come out and embrace me, cure me please.
AFTER:
I sit on the cool marble floor,
perplexed,
My emotions aroused by
the resplendent moon
gazing down at me.
The stars maliciously twinkling,
Do they know the secret?
I marvel at the night sky,
The tremendousness of it.
It seems as if that’s all there is.
I force myself to look beyond it,
Beyond the vast bowl that has engulfed me,
Beyond it all.
And I wonder.
I question the stars,
The moon,
The sky.
I question myself
And everything beyond.
What’s beyond me?
Wake me up from this dream.
Is it a dream?
I yank at my hair,
I ransack my soul for answers.
I want to shout at the smirking stars
Tell me! I want to ask.
Tell me what’s wrong with me.
Tell my why I question.
Why can’t I go on?
But the stars keep twinkling.
And everything is as silent
and dead as always.
I turn away from the sky, disheartened.
and let out a sob.
I want a reason.
Give me one.
I close my eyes
And look within me.
I close my ears
to everything but me, my soul.
My heartbeat pounding in my ears.
I’m in solitude.
I realize the feeling
Of unexplainable sadness,
an emptiness in my soul.
A dull ache in my chest.
A hollowness that has sprung up.
And I feel you now.
I’m at your door.
Let me in.
Fill that gap within me.
What is it?
Whisper the formula in my soul,
Tell me why I am.
Tell me who you are.
I feel you.
Come out and embrace me
cure me please.
Better?? Is it still a string of ideas?
Viola!
When I was rewriting this poem, yet again for the third time I realized another reason why my poem was not easy to digest.
There were two different things that I had jumbled into one poem. So I'm going to write this poem in two parts. Or two different poems.
The first poem will have the questioning and the second will be an answer or rather 'aftermath' to the first.
From Under the Blanket
I sit on the cool marble floor,
perplexed,
My curiosity aroused by
the resplendent moon
gazing down at me.
The stars maliciously twinkling,
I suspiciously wonder if the know the secret.
I marvel at the night sky,
The tremendousness of it.
It seems as if that’s all there is.
Forcing myself to look beyond it,
Beyond the vast bowl that has engulfed me,
Beyond it all.
My eyes fittingly scan the
Galaxies of stars for a hint,
A clue as to how they came to be,
How I came to be.
If I really am
If I'm stuck in a dream,
a trance which I
Will suddenly wake up from
and be able to see beyond myself
Beyond everything I see with my two eyes.
^^^^^
So First Poem. I changed it, tweaked it here and there and I think it's much, much better. I also took out a lo of lines. I felt in a lot of places I was over explaining. A statement given once, firmly and loudly is better than mumbling again and again.
Second poem:
Solitude
Turning away from everything material,
I search for my answers,
Striking a match and letting
my soul's candle
Enlighten me.
The long winding tunnel,
Which is doubt,
Sees light at the end.
I stumble towards it,
Tired, at long last having reached
The main road of my journey.
First my heart reaches the blinding
Light that edifies my consciousness.
And then me as a whole,
Basks in the freshness and warmness of
Existence. I am at your door.
Whisper the formula in my soul.
My arms are outstretched,
My heart, joyous
and open with sincerity.
Tears of bliss trail down my cheeks.
Tell me who you are
And tell me why I am.
I'm really proud of this one. Is it better? I think it is. Of course it probably still needs some work and please feel free to crit. harshly.
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140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
-I changed
Candle of my soul
to
My soul's candle.
(though doesn't 'Candle of my soul' sound nicer on the tongue?? But I guess I shouldn't let sounds deviate me from my main message.
-Fixed the punctuation like you suggested.
-As for the light business, they are all ONE light, just described and 'metaphor- ed' differently. But I DO see your point.
I put a period after consciousness. I thin that'll help clear the confusion.
Light that edifies my consciousness.
And then me as a whole,
Basks in the freshness and warmness of
Existence.
-Thanks so much everyone! You guys really helped me out through this, especially Leja and Vernon. I'm extremely grateful.
Whee!
The double-poem thing is a nice addition, especially given your reasoning behind it. And to that extent, the two poems contrast nicely with each other since there was so much darkness with the night and the sky in the first poem, and then the second poem was all about the light ^_^ Only a few things were a bit shaky:
My first instinct is to say 'cut all this soul business; it's cliche!" but I guess it's legitimate here. I like how you put a new angle to it, with the candle, but maybe go a step further to say "my soul's candle"? Then the candle actually belongs to your soul instead of just residing there. And I like how "enlighten me" gets its own line ^_^ These lines are the very epitome of solitude. Nice!
^ end-of-line punctuation suggestion in bold. Why are you stumbling towards doubt? And do "you" (the you of the poem, that is ^_^) see a light at the end of doubt, or does the tunnel? If the first, there needs to be a pronoun somewhere. If the second, then why is the tunnel doubting itself? The first three lines above are a little confusing structurally.
^ Notice how many times the concept of light was referenced in the above. But they all talk about something different, making it kind of disjointed. The first alludes to search for knowledge, the second, to an end, and the third to a realization of the first's goal. The second instance almost seems like a tangent. Similarly, I struck out some lines above that you might want to consider cutting; they're summary of what's happening in the background, of the narrative structure to which this journey is overlayed, but I'm not sure they're necessary in context.
Again, watch your pronouns
The formula for what? If it's the formula for edification, I thought that was discovered when the heart reached the blinding light?
These were nice, sort of inverting lines ^_^ I like the switching of the question to fit the person.
This poem has come so far! You should be proud ^_^ Let me know if you need anything else!
Wow I really love the next part. It's exellently written and I feel the emotion so brilliantly. You've really got it now for number two.
Part 1. I'm afraid it's still got so many I's. You're getting it and as seen by part two. You can do it. You've got some great parts in part one I admit it's getting so much better. Really.
Back to part two all's good for that except for the end, which sure ya can make less cliche.
Overall: I'm proud of ya, I knew you could fix these, and now they only have minor problems, like number 1 having too I's and the end of part 2 being weaker than the overall poem. But really well done. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine - Sheriff Fatman
via FoxyTunes
Yes, Yes, That helped a lot. Thanks a million Leja! It makes more sense now and I feel I can fix this poem. I can handle it now as I know WHAT to handle.
Thanks!
Hmm.
What to say about this?
Gosh it's very different.
Overall, it is well written.
Bettwe then before even though you changed it so much it was unrecognizable.
That's not wrong to do but you couldve at least tried to incorporate some of the past lines into this because I really liked some of the first part.
Faults:
And I wonder.
I question the stars,
The moon,
The sky.
I question myself
And everything beyond.
What’s beyond me?
Wake me up from this dream.
Is it a dream?
I yank at my hair,
I ransack my soul for answers.
I want to shout at the smirking stars
Tell me! I want to ask.
Tell me what’s wrong with me.
Tell my why I question.
Why can’t I go on?
At the beginning of both of these stanzas, the hook for it is very weak. It begins to bore me and my mind wonders. However, that's just my own personal thing. Overall in the poem though, the visual aspet is present and consistent.
Again at the beginning of these to stanzas, it doesnt flow very well.
It just sounded funny,
No more suggestions.
Nice effort ^_^
Tenni!!
Okay, let's take a closer look ^_^ Here are some places where you show:
And here are some places where you tell:
(pay attention to the word in bold; it's a summary word
Of course, I probably didn't hit all the points in either category, but look closely at what makes something go in the "tell" category. It's as if the narrator has gone on this intense interior journey of self-exploration, but then just sums it up for us. Things like saying "I'm disheartened". It's much much more effective if you can bring the reader along with you on that exploration, make them feel what you're feeling. Details such as the heartbeat in your ears are good because they let the reader decide for himself what that means in context. Phrases like "I realize" are often clues that you're summarizing rather than showing. One way of showing is with imagery, and it's present in a lot of the "showing" phrases above.
I can't suggest word choice changes because it's not so much the difference of one word over the other as it is the approach to the idea or stanza. It's something that has to come from you because I don't know how you feel in solitude, for example, or what you come up with when you ransack your soul. Expand on these ideas and see where they take you ^_^ Does that help at all?
Ok I see what you mean Leja. I understand completely what everyone's pointing at but I'm not sure HOW to fix it. If you could pin point the word that are messing the poem up, it would really help. Suggestions at better words or versus are extremely welcome.
I think this result you're seeing in the poem is due to over-explanation. You're telling us that words are too materialistic, but it's something we're spoonfed. Why are they too materialistic? This idea seems central to the topic of not being able to express something, so show exactly what they do to limit emotions, mind, and vitality. Some ways of doing this would be to show a person who is limited by words, what they are going through, rather than telling it. Then there's something to connect with. Try to make us say "wow, words really are materialistic for her" at the end, rather than straight telling that they are.
For the poem as a whole, I think it would be helpful to break it up into stanzas between topics (for example, "Beyond it all. And I wonder. *stanza break* I question the stars, The moon, The sky" might be a good place because there's the change from general wonder of the great sky to the specific interrogation of celestial objects) so that it seems less like a constant string of thoughts.
Reading this poem, I felt very removed from it. Like I'm watching from a window somewhere rather than like a ghost next to the narrator. In this sense, it still needs work because all I see is "me", almost the rough equivalent of saying 'I get this because it's me, but you're not me so you never could'. This goes along with what I was saying earlier, with the showing rather than telling and in that sense, the rewrite is much better because we can see the narrator doing all these things rather than abstract, intangible talk about the soul. Still, really try to get the feelings behind the actions, though. "I realize the feeling of unexplainable sadness, an emptiness in my soul..." Even if it is stated to be inexplicable, continue to describe it [even the narrator of your own poem can lie to you
*Stares at the page in front of her. Sighs, picks it up, crumples it and tosses it in the can*
I see exactly what you mean by navelgazing and I felt that too as I was writing it. But...
I guess the emotions that I'm trying to pen are too elaborate for me to handle.
Like this part of the poem I was trying to explain that
Words cannot describe it,
for words are too materialistic.
They limit my emotions,
they limit my mind, my vitality
I guess they're just better off in my head.
Now it's a bit navelgazing. You have interesting atmosphere, so now try and make us feel this, rather than just telling us, show. Don't ask too much questions in poetry. Just instead concentrate on langauge techniques and imagery. Make us relate.
Overall: It's better, still need to work on it, cut out the 'I's and make us feel all this. Don't be disheartened you'll manage.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Kinney Sleater - Off With Your Head
via FoxyTunes
So I've rewritten the poem. Better now?? I tried really hard on this. What do you guys think?
Glad you're seeing my point. I'll say nothing more on my review of this poem. But I'd be willing to read the rewrite of this Mizz.
Good luck
VSN
Just in case there is any confusion: This is not a love poem.
Yes I can see how this poem sound too scattered. I think it would do well if I add some imagery and I see how Vernon put it 'A string a of ideas'.
I guess this poem looks like free writing. It's just that the emotions I was trying to pen were rather complicated and vast. It's not exactly single idea that I meat to write about. I guess I didn't do too much of a good job with that.
Maybe I just need make each thought have to do more with the other one.
I can plainly see that the poem is in bad need of polishing but...
I think I'm going to give my self a few days and get back to it again with a fresher mind as I'm having a hard time writing down this poem smoothly at the same time being able to explain my rigid emotion that I myself don't understand.
Suggestions are always welcome. And thanks, you guys for taking the time to help me out with this. This poem really means a lot to me though it may not look like a lot right now.
well...this was interesting, but there was nothing here that made me want to slow down and think about what you meant...still, this was good. i wasn't crazy about the ending. it seemed like you had more to say, but then just said "grr i can't take it anymore!" and slapped down a mediocre couple of lines and called it a day.
"I feel you,
I feel your warmness.
Come out and embrace me,
cure me please." <---
first, i would make the last line two lines. second, the 'i feel you/your warmness'...*gags on lovey-dovey taste in mouth*...seriously. if i were you, i would just cut those lines out, but if they really mean something to you, try to make them seem more...original.
I thought this sounded fine. The lines didn't sound scattered and I like how you ended with the title.
I like how you used "materialistic" and "ransacked"---they bring out the tone of the poem.
As for the grammar, I'd put commas and punctuation in the red. You don't have to do what I suggest but I'll tell you what I'd do. :]
And
Overall it sounds decent and I really like the title.
This is gorgeous.
BTW, watch out for Vernon. He may be a long time member but he's a real jerk..
I hope he doesn't read this..
Unfortunately he was the first person who commented on this..
Every piece has a certain beauty in itself and I felt the true beauty here.
I felt the rush of emotioms.
It's a very nice, well written, very well flowing piece.
This was my favorite part:
Tell me why I am.
Tell me who you are.
Perhaps because I can make connections to it.
How old are you?
Your profile says 14, but that could be an untruth for all I know.
I really love this.
It made me tear up a little.
Hahaha.
No huge errors with it and in fact it was quite good.
I enjoyed reading this and expect to hear more from you.
Please let me know when you have some new pieces posted?
And keep in touch.
Feel free to PM me or add me as a friend
I have to agree with the reviews already given. While the emotion is undoubtedly clear within the poem, it seems at times to just be a string of ideas... for example, in the beginning, there are a couple of lines in a row that all lack one thing-- verbs.
So you have good ideas, but you need to develop them, take us somewhere THROUGH them. Avoid posting a list of underdeveloped images and questions. Of course there is unexplainable sadness; of course there is an emptiness, a dull ache... but what does is FEEL like? Remember, we need to get an experience it by reading your words. (don't be ok with simply calling something unexplainable! you can do it! you can develop it for us!)
To make it flow a little smoother, I would suggest not limiting yourself to one thought per line... it makes for a sort of stop-start reading that's feels a little unnatural.
What I mean is, that instead of saying:
"Questions roam my mind,
Tears flow down my cheeks,"
you could say:
"Questions roam my mind, and tears
flow down my cheeks."
saying it aloud will help make line breaks more natural and smooth
But! But! The good news is, that like the others have already pointed out, you have definitely created the emotion, now just develop it so we can understand your intent fully. :]
Happy editing, and let me know if you need help. I'll be glad to offer more help if you would like!
c
Hi Mizz-Iceberg!
Okay. You've a good base for a poem here, it's obviously got a point and meaning - important things in poetry. I think you'll find your problem - for there is a problem - comes in that there's too much here. Too many things to the reader to pay attention to and accept. You need to be gentle with us, we're only simple beings. ^^
Your flow is disrupted because you flit about too much. From one topic to the next, the reader doesn't know what's going on, it's so cluttered (scattered would be another word you could use here. *hint hint*)
Okay, when thinking about how to fix this, you're looking at a bit of an overhaul, I'm afraid. You need to pick *one* main point, and stick with it. It's okay to deviate a little from there, it's often interesting, but we need a set purpose to begin with.
To help with the flow - and subsequently the scattering - I think you might want to look at some description. Right now, you're telling us a lot, and while I can *see* the emotion coming though - you've a good tone - I can't *feel* it. That comes with some description. Yank out some of those phrases, the ones you like least, and then describe the others, expand.
You want to engage the reader, make them want to get to the end, and read it over and over just because it feels so right, you know? Catch them with something shiny - is your shiny description, imagery, meaning, or maybe a unique structure? - each poem is different, but find something that will grab the reader and keep them there.
You also have some rather overused lines in here, things that the reader is now bored of - not because of you, per say, but because of the overwhelming abundance of these types of poems right now - I think (mainly because I like the idea of "cure me") that you can do better than that. This ties in with the point about engaging in that you need to show the reader you've something different, or at least something that is the same but done in a new way, or just a way that is refreshing.
That's probably a lot to take in, so know that you can always Pm me with questions or rants - or even just to chat. ^^ - and I'll be more than willing to reply and help as best I can.
I don't dislike the poem, I just think that you can do better. As I said, it has a good base, but I think if you worked on it, it could be awesome.
Good luck with it, Pm me if you change it and would like me to take another look - even if you don't, criticism is always good for you - because I'd love to see how you change this.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Hmmm... since this is a first I'll hold back some of the biting and sarcasm. A lot of this asks too much and tells too much. You need to think. This poem is typical run-of-the-mill navelgazing. You give us no reason to care, just tell us all. Really you need to read some more poetry but now for puntaction. I'll do it just this once.
You also focus on more than one idea making this look like a string of idea and thoughts rather than a poem. You should read some of the poetry tutorials.
Click here
Try reading some of these.
Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN