Under my covers,
When sleep comes not,
And the ticking of the
Old clock does not stop,
I shut my eyes real tight,
Waiting to fall asleep.
But my fridge does
Not stop humming
And the irregular breathing
Of my sister keeps me awake.
I twist and turn in bed,
trying to get comfortable.
I imagine pleasant things,
hoping to be transfered to
the realm of dreams.
Minutes pass by,
Seeming like hours
And I wait patiently for
Sleep to come and take
Me off to the shores
Of lalaland.
______________________
Even if you don't have anything to crit. about this poem please leave some sort of reply or note below. I just like to know if people are actually reading this or not and how many.
thanks XD
Alright Gadi, I made a few additions and changes. However I couldn't really come up with anythng for
Sleep to come and take
Me off to the shores
Of lalaland.
but note I changed the dreamland to Lalaland. heh, I couldn't really come up with anything too creative.
Here are some ideas though, whatever you think sounds best:
of lalaland
or
The Land of constant snoring (or something like that)
Or
Sleep to come and take
Me off to the shores
Of Advil pm
it's a sleeep medication.
allright I'm lost. Any other suggestions?
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Hi mizz-iceberg. Someone gave this link while chat was up earlier and I thought I'd take a look at it.
These two lines don't sound as impressive as the rest but I know you had to connect everything somehow.As Gladi. said, I think some of the lines were choppy, but I also think it worked well in the poem. Overall, I think it was a good poem, as everyone else has said. I can believe that you wrote this in the middle of the night but I could also believe if you wrote this while you were daydreaming: I get the strangest poem ideas in the middle of class.
PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter
Lalaland is cute, and Advil PM is funny.
Maybe you could use both? Something like "to the shores of Lalaland, where the waves (beach?, I'm not sure if Advil PM is a liquid or solid...) are of Advil PM"
It's good though.
I have to say, it's good. It's really good actually.
But it has the potential to be better.
The main mistakes in your poem right now are your line breaks and your ending. Your line breaks are sudden and really don't help the poem; you should think of line breaks as things that help make a poem better. The ending was cliche, and made the poem all the more irritating--dreamland? That word has been used countless times to descrivve sleep! And "the shores of" is incredibly passe, poetry-wise.
What really made this poem is good is that it relates to all people. I read it, and I was like "WOW! That's exactly how I feel." So add more. My suggestion, add about two more things that cause you insomania, and make them quirkier and quirkier as they go. Like,
"Sometimes, the cockroaches'
hearts beat under my back."
You see? Something bizarre like that will make the poem, oh, so much better. (You indirectly mislead your reader.) But if you don't want that, just make something that we all relate to.
Overall, great job. Exceptional poem.
I think that was really good. You see, I am very bad in writing poems. The ones that I write(forced to in school) sound so cheesy!!!!!
Your poems are golden!!!