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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Hi, Mizz-icy! I'm sorry that this didn't work out with the contest (I swear, we had no idea you had entered!) and I don't know if it's your fault or ours, but I guess it doesn't matter. Anyway, I will try to give you an extra-harsh review because of it.
I would like to see a stronger opening... I'll go into how you can improve it later.-Nitpicks-
The period after "was" should be a semi-colon or dash, methinks.
These two sentences should be joined as well... I think you should join them with a dash.
More detail here: is the family shivering in thin pajamas, or wrapped up in fleece bathrobes? Also, what are her shoes like? Plastic sneakers? leather sandals?
For the sake of comparison, I think you should say "louder and louder." Then you're comparing the flames' reaching with the mother's shrieks.
I suggest you find another word beside "shriek" because that's the word you used in the sentence previous to this one.
Comma after "her."
The comma should be a semi-colon or dash, in my opinion.
There should be a comma after "anything."
And there should be a comma after "sleepy" as well.
The period after "Janice" should be a comma.
The period after "Ellen" should be a comma, and "he" should be lowercase.
Comma after "shrieked," but I think you should find another word, since you use "shriek" ALL THE TIME when talking about the mom.
Comma after "ground."
The tenses seem a little weird here -- I think it should either be "I remember the night Mother told me." or "I remembered the night Mother had told me."
The period after "Janice" should be a comma. Also, I think there should be a comma after "someone."
Just me, but I think this should be italic.
Repetition here. We know she's hurt--you don't need to tell us over and over.
The period after "person" should be a comma.
I believe there should be a comma after "sake," but it might just be a matter of opinion.
I don't think there should be a comma after "pretended."
I think you mean to say "tried?" ^_~
I think there should be a comma after "secretly."
That should be "think of" OR "think up," but not "think up of." ^_~
Something about the "palm/calm" rhyme bothers me... but I guess it isn't all that bad.
There shouldn't be a comma after "thinking."
Comma before "looking."
__________________
-Overall-
There are a few main issues with this piece:
Punctuation.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Dialogue punctuation. RIGHT-- "Hello," he said. / "Hello!" he said. / "Hello?" he said. / "Hello." His wrinkled hand reached towards me, hungry for a handshake. WRONG-- "Hello." he said. / "Hello." He said. / "Hello!" He said. Basically, if it's a dialogue tag (such as "he said") then the last punctuation mark should be either a comma, exclamation point, or question mark, but NOT a period and the first letter of the dialogue tag should be lowercase. If it's just a sentence describing the way the dialogue was said, or what the speaker was doing (such as "His wrinkled hand reached towards me, hungry for a handshake.") then it can be a period and the first letter can be uppercase.
2. Choppy sentences. Sometimes, I love choppy sentences. But they do take some getting used to. I think that you know you use short, choppy sentences but that's your style, so I won't pester you about it.
Tense.
I think that this piece would be better if the "present" part (with her watching the burning house) was in the present tense. Then the flashbacks could be in past rather than past perfect ("had done") which gets confusing. For example:This sentence would make a lot more sense like this "A fire burned in my chest, different from the kind that blazes before me [now]." Don't you think? There are a few other places where it would come in handy to switch the tense as well.
Showing vs telling.
I think this is one of the main reasons why I don't like choppy sentences--they usually force you to tell rather than show. Remember I told you I'd tell you how to improve the first few sentences? Well that's what I'm doing.
--- "I stood hidden in the dark, cold trees. The windless night air was spiced with the flailing scent of smoke. From my hiding spot, I could see a blazing blotch on the rolling country landscape. I could see the fire leap greedily, feeding on the wooden house. My house."
Of course, you don't have to use my example (you should think of your own) but I think you get the idea. Another thing that you'll notice I integrated is the smell of the smoke, which brings me to my next point...
Sensual description.
Smell and taste have been proven to be the senses with the most powerful abilities to bring back memory. Try to integrate them into your writing not only to give us a feeling for what the setting is like, but also to let us know what your character's memory of the flashbacks is like... the smell of the syrupy cigarettes, the taste of the hot cocoa, etc.
Another thing I noticed is that the MC's emotions seemed inconsistent--what exactly are her feelings towards Dan? At one point, you say that she is glad he doesn't pay attention to her, but later you say that it annoys her when he ignores her. You might have done this on purpose, but it's something to think about.
Anyway, I'm running out of time, so I better finish up.
I liked it, overall (and am giving you a gold star) but I think it can use some work.
PM me if I was unclear about anything.
Hope this helps, and sorry about the contest...
~Azila~
I came back!
Okay, very nice bit! You tied it in really well with the story. I almost forgot that you added a whole scene to this. Well done.
I especially liked what she did to get him angry. I don't know, I thought that was cool.
Nice job!
Wow. Really interesting how that simple picture made you think of such a plot. The emotions were great and I truly, truly loved this. Umm.. I didn't notice anything wrong with it. KJ pretty much pointed out all the mistakes.
Keep writing.
I hope you do well in the contest! Actaully I'm sure you will. This was very, very good!
Me again. You've much improved this piece with your editing. I found a few more things that need to be adjusted :
Don't need comma after him.
Should be comma after asked.
Snuck, not sneaked.
Me, not my.
This sentence felt awkward and ruined the flow. Also, Mother doesn't need to be capitalized. Would be better as something like: My mother was sitting on the ground now, and I could see that her shoulder shaking. I couldn't hear her sobs.
"Too late" should probably be in Italics. Also, you should put another space between the two sentences, just to be consistent.
Good job with your first editing. Good luck with the next one.
ok I've changed it and added a Janice-Dan secene.
Please crit again as harshly as you want!!
Oh thanks so much, you guys!! I'll make the changes right away and I'll add a part or rather a scene in the story that explains more in depth of the Janice-Dan relationship.
Thank-you again!!!!!!!!!!
Oooo, this was good!
I only saw a few things.
I know Dan says this but you should make this a little clearer so it makes it easier to read.
I think this would sound better if you added into like this: I seemed to have faded into the backgroud. I'm not sure why, I just think is sounds better.
You should press enter when Ellen starts talking since there is two different people speaking here.
You should have a comma after up so it should read: She held my chin and lifted it up, looking into my eyes.
I think you meant I felt like I was an intruder all the time.
Besides all those simple mistakes above ^^^^, you have a really good plot line here. You did really well with writing a story based off that photo. I agree, however, that burning her house down is a little over-the-top but I do think it fits this.
Deranged daughter is pissed at step-father and so sets house on fire.
lol I think you write really well and have a good piece here.
Great Job!
I agree with KJ, burning the house down is a little excessive for the situation... unless she i paranoid... or schizophrenic... or just plain nuttier than a can o' Planters. good story though.
peace.
First I would like to say that I almost missed out on this. I was about to skip it cause it was too lengthy, but then I saw KJ's post, and I gave it a shot.
I loved it. The plot, imagery, and characters really hooked me. It's great how you thought of that just by seeing a burning house. Well done.
I also like your word choice. It was descriptive and clear.
This threw me off. Wrong punctuation. I say replace the period with a comma.
Otherwise, these aren't complete thoughts.
A+! I'm giving this a gold star. Thanks for the great read!
Hey. I don't have much time, but I wanted to tell you what I think.
This has a great plot, and some interesting aspects to it. I like how the girl is standing near her Mom and her step dad and hearing everything they say.
There were a few nitpicks. First, You say the word "Mom" too much when she's arguing with her not to marry Dan.
Second, I also felt that this girl's jealousy was too unrealistic. Sure, her mom and her were close. So were me and my mom when she got married a second time. But this Dan doesn't seem like a mean guy. In order for her to have such hatred for him, I think it would be better if he were abusive to both her and her mom or something to give her more cause for want of revenge.
Otherwise, it was interesting. I wouldn't say very well-written, because I felt it was lacking detail and it could use more description, but it was good.
Keep writing.