I'm not too sure where I'm going with this. The story line's rather hazy to me. But I'd love some suggestions.
..........
The oil sizzled and crackled has I dumped in the rice, letting a puff of steam up clouding my glasses. I covered the pan to let the rice simmer and then wiped my glasses with the hem of my t-shirt. It was an old t-shirt, dark green with a hole just big enough to let my pinky through. In large black letters -somewhat faded now- it said, "If you need anything, ask someone else".
I wore the t-shirt on days when I felt lazy and loose. Days when I wouldn't make my bed, wouldn't straighten my hair but just pull it up into a messy ponytail. Day's when things went loosely around the house, no chores, just lounging around. Warm days when I decided to pull my old things from the underneaths of my bed and to reminiscence about the good old days.
It was one of those days. It was a Sunday and I had nothing much to do but to spy across the street to Thomas's house and see how he was doing with the babysitting.
I didn't know how Thomas could do it. I hated children. Messy, noisy little things who had no respect for anything whatsoever. Except on Sundays. On Sundays I would be a child too and hate cleaning up, being organized and just fool around.
I had been the weather lady for Channel 7. I had to dress in a suit and nylons, have my hair done and put up a pretty smile up for the viewers while I told them more extreme heat was coming up following Tuesday. I had mutual feelings about that Job. Later I was promoted. I was a news caster for that channel.
I started blending in with my job. Started dressing up more crisply, on the whole became more 'professional'.
Everyone knew me as a curt, serious, organized rich lady who lived by herself in her huge house. I was 30 at the time and pretended to myself I was happy with where I was. I had money, I had fame and of course I had a job
Oh yeah and I was single. Another word for that would be independent. I celebrated my independence by being single. It wasn't that I didn't have good looks or that I just didn't know how to hit it off with the guys. It was just that I didn't like to share my life with anyone else.
I wasn't too comfortable around people. Didn't really like too may people. Call me stuck up.
But my privacy was always a major concern for me.
Besides, I was happy ...right?
Well, Yes. I mean I had the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect neighborhood. Complete privacy, money and a BMW parked in my driveway. I was young and I was successful.
The truth is, I didn't know why, but I wasn't happy.
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
This was a little fast for me. I mean, you basically described your character but nothing of the plot. I found that you used simple details. Explain what the BMW looked like. Descripe her lonely life. Don't just tell us.
Other than that, I think this would be more complete if you stretched it out a bit and made it more complete.
Besides all that, I found this interesting.
All and all, it was a good start to a piece.
As a character sketch, this is pretty good, but it starts out as a story, which makes it kinda confuzzling.
Has = as
Underneaths = underneath
It was well written, but watch your typos and space out the last few lines.
Yea I guess it's kind of a character sketch. But I'd like to continue and make this into a long short story. And I want it to be one of those stories that are based more on the characters than on the plot. I just wanted define my character. And I think I've got her grasped pretty well. I also wanted to see how my writing style is doing.
Oooo! I like. Nothing really for me to pick at that hasn't already been gone over. I like this character!
As for suggestions (I'm not too bright on this subject): Unhappiness comes in some shape or form and she realizes that she hadn't been happy but fooling herself?
No. That's silly. ANYWAYS. Keep writing, this was good!
This was pretty short. Is it meant as a chapter, prologue, or forst part of just a short story?
As to my opinion, I thought that it was decently written. I liked some of your little details you put in there. But it's a very rough beginning. We don't really KNOW anything as of yet.
Keep writing.
This looks like a quick character sketch rather than the story itself, but I liked it. You've got a good balance between showing and telling, as well as action, exposition, and descriptive parts. I would see this as a story about her going through depression and not necessarily finding love with the male character you mention, but her learning not to be so private and closed off. I mean, not everyone wants/needs romance. Besides, love stories are dull.
Heya, Mizz iceberg!
I think that last part should either be "...letting up a puff of steam that clouded my glasses." or "...letting a puff of steam that clouded up my glasses."This is really nitpicky, but the period should go inside the punctuation. ^_~
That should be "Days."
Is there a reason why "job" is capitalized?
"Newscaster" is one word.
Give more examples here, something like "Started dressing up more crisply, waking up and going to bed at a more reasonable hour, straightening my hair more regularly; on the whole became more 'professional.'"
I think you should spell out "thirty" rather than just saying "30."
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Is this the prologue/beginning of a longer story?
I think you could use to show us a bit more imagery. Right now, it's pretty much an info-dump about the character. Now, I'm not one of those people who will hoarse-whip you for info-dumping, but I think this would be more powerful with some description. For example, you tell us about the heat, but how about showing us about it? Is it dry and sunny, or muggy and overcast?
Another thing that bothered me were your extremely short sentences. I know it's a style, but personally I think that if you only have one or two short sentences, they become rare and thus more powerful. For example: This isn't a particularly dramatic "scene" and I don't think it benefits from the choppy sentences. I would put it more like this: "I had mutual feelings about that Job, sometimes I woke up in the morning eager to go to work; sometimes I dreaded it. Later I was promoted to a newscaster for that channel." (note also that I gave some examples so that you're "showing" that she has mixed feelings rather than "telling")
This seems like an interesting, promising character! I look forward to more. *gold star*
PM me if I was unclear about anything. Hope this helps!
~Azila~