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140,235 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hello, misstoria!
Okay, now I'm going to give my usual disclaimer. I'm not a poetry savvy. Anything having to do with the grammatical workings of a poem, outside that placement of commas, are Greek to me. I will, as always, try my very best, but please keep in mind that this review will be comprised mostly of opinion.
I really don't think "spouting" is the right word to be put her. The word, in itself, is a bit awkwardly spoke, and that gawkiness is magnified by it's position in this poem. Even more so, "spouting" just doesn't seem like an appropriate synonym for something akin to speaking loudly or quickly - whether you meant spouting in the sense of 'shouting' or 'spurting' makes this difference. Well, I think the point's been made. I just don't really like this word here. It messes up an otherwise steady rhythm. I digress.
This couplet is entirely disconnect from the rest of the poem. It feels tacked on, as if you simply gave up and turned to repetition as a way out. I don't mean to be harsh, but a good ending makes or breaks a poem, and this was great poetry up until that ending sort of halted things. Try reading your poem out loud, after you've done that, I'm sure my problem with this ending will be recognized.
I don't know how you'd fix it, or if you even think it should be "fixed", and I can't write this for you. As I stated previously, this is strictly my opinion, and it holds no real judgement over what you do with your work - I'm not so naive as to think that - but I do recommend a changing of those things I've highlighted.
This was a good poem. I've enjoyed it, honestly. I think it brings to light the dirty secrets of the night, much like those neon lights illuminate the sin.
Happy writing.
-RP
Hello -
From reading this, I don't get the impression that you have ever been to Las Vegas in your life. Perhaps you have and I apoligize if I am wrong. I've never been to Las Vegas either, but I can still conjour up a loose image from everything I've seen and heard about it. And your poem doesn't seem to go beyond anything that I know. And if you've never been to Vegas, or it doesn't have some kind of personal connection with you, I don't know why you're writing about it. Writing - especially poetry - should come your heart. But I'm going to assume that you wrote it because something about the city strikes a chord with you and give you the following advice.
The great cities of our world have a tendency to be romanticized. In the past two months, I've been fortunate enough to visit both Los Angeles and Paris. In LA we stayed in in a nice hotel in a nice area, but we had to drive through some pretty bad parts. There's smog and traffic and a lot of poor people. In Paris we stayed in a nice area, but we saw a lot of sketchy stuff; people passed out on the streets, bad drivers, locals trying to sell us stuff as we walked by. And there were a lot of great parts to both cities, but I definitely learned that there was so much more then their respecctive stereotypes, and I can only imagine that Vegas is the same way.
Expand upon your poem. Make it personal. If you want to make it about a casino, fine. But personalize it. Give us a reason to care. Why does each respective person go to the casino? Why don't they realize they're destroying their dreams? Instead of trying to tuck the poem into a neat form - let yourself go. Describe the casino. Describe the people that walk by. Make us sympathize.
Best!
Wow, I totally saw everything that this poem described. The fact that you used so little words and could create vivid images in one's head is a good skill. I love how you ended the poem and started the poem with the same two lines, it gave it that feeling of finality.
Dingy just doesn't sound like it fits here, because when I think of dingy I think of rusted pipes and rotting buildings, not so much clothes.I like this line because for this poem it can be given two different meaning, each leading to the other.
Overall I loved this poem and the way you described the scene. Keep up the wonderful work!
Hallo, Misstoria,
Vegas is a big place, and there's more to it than meets the eye. I think your poem is a fair summation of the Vegas stereotype, but here's the thing: let's assume your audience is familiar with the same Vegas stereotype that you are; why, then, would we want to read this?
I mean this in the best way possible. Your words have the power to inspire us, lift us beyond our vision, and see things through someone elses eyes. How about, instead of describing this scene to us in common terms, dear, you tell us about details we normally wouldn't wonder about, like the smell of the air, the feel of the street beneath your shoes, or casino carpets beneath a woman's heels. I feel that here your rhyme became your priority, over the story you were telling. The beauty of telling a story is in the way you tell it, the details you choose make it yours. Make this yours, dear. You have the potential to.
Best of luck,
June
Hey Misstoria,
I liked this. It had a good flow and rhythm and I liked the idea of describing Vegas here. I also really liked how the beginning was repeated again for the end. It just seemed so right, and fit perfectly. The rhyming was nice and didn't seemed forced anywhere. I think the layouts fine. Overall, this looks like a nice little poem.
But I have a feeling it could be bigger, longer and even more intriguing. I mean, there is nothing wrong with writing short poems which are pleasant and enjoyable. I just feel like this poem has potential. (If that's even possible.)
Like: have the first two lines separate in their own stanza. Then make each line an opening line...
Tall red heels and blonde dyed tresses,
Stalking the streets and swaying their bodies,
Hunting down a man with their outlined eyes,
Their face a mask of red lips and powder.
Dollar bills tucked in lacy dresses...
And so on. But it's to you really. There isn't anything wrong with this poem. I like it. But I think it can be made even bigger. It's up to you really
Hot sauce: If you can't take the heat, get out of the fire! Deanie x
You write awesome poems!!
This piece is a beauty! Well I have nothing much to say about this since you were just giving a description of the general scenario of some sort of night clubs...where each person has a different story and each one has a different reason to be there...so there was obvious no point in writing it based on story or something...the theme is perfect as it goes well with the mood that you have given off this well written piece. Its so short but so elegant and sophisticated...so much simple like sky blue and sophisticated luke burgundy..lol
Well done!!
Helllo Misstoria!
I really liked the idea of describing Las Vegas. There is constantly life in the city, wherever you go and you basically captured the essence in this poem which is very cool.
I liked the flow of how the poem went and I don't see any REAL punctuation errors.
But one thing you work on is breaking the poem up maybe. Add a couple of stanzas here, to not make it seem like it is one lengthy poem. By all means it wasn't, but others may find this a bit off putting by the size.
Also, maybe add commas here in there in the natural breaks. For an example, right here:
"Tall red heels and blonde dyed tresses,
dollar bills tucked in lacy dresses. "
It is a natural break, so why not add a comma? Or even a period works too!!
Hope you find this helpful! Message me if any questions!!
~scandalousphoenix