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140,235 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hi, misstoria
I'm Maddy and I'm here to give you a review!
There's just something about this poem that caught my attention. I think your word choice really pulled me in. Although I was confused at times, did like did like the actual meaning of this. I think if you would have organized it a little better,.it would have been easier to understand. Maybe organize it into stanzas and that'll help. Also, I think you should make the meaning a little clearer. I believe that if you do all of this, this poem will be great. Good luck and happy writing!
Hey there, misstoria.
I am GeeLyria, and I'm here to review this for you.
I'll start off by saying that your wording is very catchy, and that is what got me through the whole poem, being honest. However, I want to talk to you about appearance. You have probably heard, many times, that judging a book by its cover is not wise. And it isn't! Not at all, because you never know when you could find gold in a dirty, broken barrel. Although, when we have the opportunity to clean and fix that barrel we do it.
How can we do that? Make more stanzas. Organize the lines into more little blocks, but watch out that you don't cut a sentence or join lines that would rather be separate in order to keep the reader from being confused. I am telling you this, because I honestly believe that would appreciated. A big block of words is not very attractive. Remember that if a reader has to read all over again, we don't want that to be because they were confused but because they enjoyed it too much. :] Let's make them focus on how you are a great poet, instead of the chaos.
I also want to point out that your punctuation is not consistent. How come your poem have dots but lack commas? That is something that has to be fixed. Remember that the more professional you sound, the more serious they will treat you and your poem.
On a side note, I was not going to mention this, but I thought you would appreciate it. There is a typo, lack of a letter, in the third stanza. And a grammar error, I'm pretty sure you know how to correct it, you probably didn't spot it; that happens to me a lot. xD
Hopefully, I've expressed myself correctly. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
~GeeLyria
So, I was not very engaged with this poem until you wrote this:
You started off with something that had been done before -- a guy not seeing the beauty he was denying in a woman, who later ends up dead so there's nothing he can do. It's been done. It's not fresh, but usually this sort of thing ends up with a mourning dude, seeing her beauty everywhere in nature -- fresh and soft as she was. You take it away from that. You make her ROAR, and shake and crash, oh my gosh, you make her powerful, and in that way, I think I feel a lot happier about her death, 'cause she didn't just lose her life AND never get recognized, but in death she realizes that this guy's pretty dumb and she can get at him with natural elements, even if that's not exactly the way the narrative plays out. You give her raw energy, not that soft, virginal purity she had before she died.
The problem is, then, that all that's hidden away after a beginning that's not really unique. I'd like to see the first part shortened, definitely. We know after the very FIRST comparison to sunlight and shards of glass that this girl is phenomenal, so we don't need the other examples of the eyes and the bells and the dagger when he turns away. Though I will say that the bells is probably the most subtle declaration of her beauty, so you might actually want to keep just THAT description, and move on quickly. Might connect the bells to another kind of tolling to get expediently to the graveyard, then work out the ending a little more. Not a lot, 'cause it's not really the MAIN subject -- the transition is -- but give it another kick and it'll be cracking across our consciousnesses like lightning.
I really like this. I would like to see it changed up, but that's up to you. Good luck in whatever you decide to do with it, and please leave me a PM or wall post if you have questions, comments, or post a second version.
Hey misstoria
I really enjoyed this poem -- it looks like niteowl has helped with some of the fine details so I'll look at the poem as a whole.
I like how you surprise the reader with this poem. It starts off as a "love poem" but it soon becomes apparent that this is actually a "lost-love poem" -- the very clever transition through the line "Her beauty lies boxed away". This is fantastic! It's these sort of "Oooooh" moments that make poetry a pleasure to read. You didn't spell it out immediately with the word "cemetery" until a line later, and already that has given the reader a chance to guess.
Only then does it become clear why there is such violent imagery associated with her beauty. "Sunlight erupts" is not a gentle, or typically beautiful, phrase. It makes a lot more sense once the reader finds out that the girl has died, and that now her absence is torturing the voice of the poem that she left behind. I also like that this was delayed -- it means the second time you read the poem it has more to tell!
I also think the second person tense "You did this" / "You did that" works well. Though it does develop a bit of an accusatory tone later in the poem. This would be alright, but the reader doesn't know that it was "their fault" until the line "Your words killed her". So perhaps that's something to develop? Until that point, it seemed like the voice of the poem had done nothing wrong! Maybe it's possible to set up that idea sooner?
I have to disagree with niteowl because I think that the final lines work nicely in this poem. Although I disagree with the sentiment (particularly "And she gained everything"), I appreciate that this is what the poem is about and you've done an excellent job of portraying it.
So I'm afraid there's not much more I can say because you've received one excellent review already! Keep writing poems -- you've got a knack for the content and form (especially surprising the reader) and that's not an easy thing to master. In future, it might also be nice to see you experiment with some more original metaphors / imagery, but we'll just have to see.
Take care and happy writing!
Overall this is a beautiful piece. There are a lot of typos, so I'd go back and fix those. But I don't want to nit-pick so I'll just focus on the content and structure.
I liked the opening lines, they really drew me in. Minor correction: It's smiles.
This second line sounds really awkward. I might change it to "...pierces you/Demanding..."
Really liked these lines. It's a rather lovely way of saying something ugly.
I found this part confusing. Not only has "you" not said anything to her, there didn't seem to be a direct connection to him and her death. She turned away, he ran after her, bam! she's dead. Did she commit suicide? Make this clearer.
I don't like the last line. It doesn't say much, and you want the end to make an impact. I'd leave it at "It simply changes form".
Overall, there's some lovely imagery in this, and if you clean it up and clarify a few things, it'd be even better. Good job and keep writing!