Young Writers Society

Hey there Misstoria,

Nice poem you have there. It has some interesting lines, and some intriguing ideas. I especially liked how The Glass was capitalized, even though it is a mere thing. Making it capitalized made it more important, which was an interesting choice.

The poem did have some rhythm problems, and could've been smoother overall. I suppose this is due to word choice. The poem was good but it seemed like it was touching on the service. I suggest you keep this poem as a base and make it something bigger. Because we are being told about her case, but not exactly seeing and feeling it through her. That would be an interesting viewpoint to see in this poem and help improve it.

I really liked the last line because you could see it in two ways. It could either mean today her name has been forgotten, or that forgotten has actually become her name. And that seems to sum up the poem perfectly with finality. And I think the title does fit, because it seems like the retelling of this poem is her way of shouting out for help. Keep writing ^^

Deanie x

Hey Miss Storia,

Here, you're trying to convey the portrait of a woman broken and fading fast, and I think you have some good ideas within this poem. Stylistically speaking, the lines of the poem feel forced next to one another, because there's very little support to transition one line to the next one. It feels like a stack of fragmented thoughts, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in a poem of such nature.

However! I feel like you need to present the woman's plight in a new and interesting -- many of us will suffer with some degree of depression, so this will relative to a lot of people, I assume. But what makes your story different? We've heard something like this before, but here, in this poem, you have a chance to leave an impression of the forgotten girl behind with us and make her legacy live in. In order to do that, however, you need to present your ideas in a fresh light; use unique metaphors and similes, use images that evoke a feeling. Here, you're simply telling us about her state. Let us have a peek at what it's like to live it.

June

Hello, dear!

It feels like a long time since I've reviewed anything by you, but here we go...

Specifics

1. I think the first sentence is a little fragmented and passive so it doesn't immediately grab my attention. I feel almost that it needs more words, maybe something like: 'There is a glare in her eye,/ like the reflection of a computer screen' or 'Her eyes reflect a storm of computers'.

2. I don't like porcelain cheeks. I think it's over-used (I believe I used it myself once) and it doesn't fit with your mechanical imagery. Why not steel or plastic? If you're following a computer pattern, using other elements of computers would work well. Maybe even binary cheeks? That has some nice connotation since binary is a stiff format.

3. cracks run through ever every cell.

4. I want to hear more about what her dream were. I think that's a really key element to the poem - what was and what is now - so maybe add in some more lines to describe those and give us a sense of what she wanted.

5. Why capitalise glass? I'm interested in the reason behind that but can't see any immediate gain. It draws my attention to the word but I'm not sure why you want my attention there?

6. It's losing its power in the middle. You're moving too far away from the initial image of computer glare reflected in her eyes, which while I felt needed some re-phrasing, was very strong and unique. All this talk of darkness and hope, falling apart. It's all a bit dull to be honest and very 'heard before'.

Overall

I think you started off quite strongly and I liked some of your early imagery, but toward the end it starts to unravel and I don't get a strong sense for the emotions or transitions in this poem. I'd like to have more concrete descriptions of who this girl was and what she wanted and I want more of a sense of what changed her. Was it technology, the modern world, people who were harsh? There aren't enough clues or explanations and that makes the poem frustrating because it's difficult to follow the story.

I did like the initial imagery though and I think you've got something here, you just need to separate it from the cliches.

I hope this has been somewhat helpful and feel free to ask questions!

Heather xx

Misstoria,

I like the imagery here, and the rhyming does have an aching effect which matches the content of this. There's a lot of heart ache, and I like how we get the images of this girl by the computer screen, clearly hurt.

Now, I do think there can be some improvement in the syntax of these lines/the way these words are arranged, it seems almost listy- as though it's saying; here's a list of things she's going through right now, which sort of undermines the emotional elements. Now, I don't think you're intending it to sound this way. I was trying to look at why I get this feeling, and I think it has to do with almost this repetitive element in which the words are arranged. So for example, check out your placement of your nouns and verbs:

[computer glare] (reflects) her [eyes]
[tears] (stain) her [cheeks]
[scars] (cover) her [heart]
[cracks] (run) cell
..

and then:
[she] (was) [whole]
[she] (was) [girl]
[glass] (has) [shattered]
[resolve] (has) [fallen]
etc. etc.

So, basically, the same kind of sentence structures are being used over and over again, and even at one point, we're reading the same verb two or three times in the passive voice, as opposed to an active voice.

This is an easy fix, just try to vary these sentence structures a bit!

Hey there! What an intresting piece. I can't wait to review.

What I liked:

1. The diction. The words you choose make a poem, and in this case it make this poem great. You kept the mood and tone by choosing words that reflected how the person feels.

2. The emotion. Through your word choices you conveyed a raw and heartstring pulling kind of emotion for the poem. You make the reader feel sorry for the girl.

3. The flow. With or without rhyme, flow can be something rather difficult to acheive. You managed, without rhyme, to have a constant and steady flow.

4. The very last line. I just loved it!

What I didn't like:

1. The description. No, not the imagery in the poem because that was fine. The description you gave about the poem was that it was about addiction, yet I don't really see that here. In fact I don't really see a concrete idea but rather just a flow of strong emotion. Perhaps change the description so not to be misleading.

2. The punctuation. There were some parts, such as " No longer can she lie/
she is not the girl she proclaims." where a comma could have been used to slow things down and make the meaning more clear.

Overall:

This is a really good piece. It has great flow and strong emotion. You may want to reconsider and really think about what you are trying to say though, because that seemed to get lost for me. Great job and keep writing!