This place, is magic to me,
it's where we met on a summers night.
You were smiling,
and we danced till sunrise.
This place is enchanted,
it takes me back to 15 and happy,
before babies and bills, when we were in love still.
This is the place where the sun meets the earth
and the moon takes it's nap.
This is the place where babies come from and
where we fell in love.
This is the place that makes us gorgeous and young,
makes me remember falling in love,
and the simple sensation of my first kiss, o the bliss.
This place is my heaven,
my forever and always,
when I die bury me here where forever I'll watch the sunrise.
This is my happy place, my place of contentment,
through the divorce and the fights I come back to this place,
I come back to tonight when I was 15 and sweet and you meant everything.
This place is heaven, this is the land of the immortal.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hey! I liked this!
Okay in the ninth line it's should be its
You should break your poem into stanzas it would be easier to read but, personal preference.
This poem could use some creative language. Like metaphors, similes, idioms.
You said the word place a lot, maybe you could find something else to replace it a few times?
okay I was confused on "This is the place where babies come from" Where is this place you are describing because this threw me completely off.
~mari
Hey! I liked this!
Okay in the ninth line it's should be its
You should break your poem into stanzas it would be easier to read but, personal preference.
This poem could use some creative language. Like metaphors, similes, idioms.
You said the word place a lot, maybe you could find something else to replace it a few times?
okay I was confused on "This is the place where babies come from" Where is this place you are describing because this threw me completely off.
~mari
Hi, misstoria!
Let's start with spelling and grammar:
Not much to say, except for the ninth line—the it's should be its. The first line, yes, it is poetic licence, but to me the comma doesn't quite work. In any case, it is personal preference.
Now for the general poeticism:
You don't have much structure in this poem. I like your use of free verse, but this huge block of text is a little intimidating, so I suggest breaking it up into stanzas. The uneven line lengths also put me off my stroke a bit.
You have very little poetic devices in this piece—it could almost be prose cut into lines. I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh. Perhaps you could add in some similes, metaphors and meaningful poeticism to encourage flow and convey the message better. This poem has such a velvety feel, I think that lots of alliteration and especially assonance would really add to the atmosphere. Long, soft sounds.
There is a lot of repetition in your work. I found the word 'place' no less than ten times. This could make a beautiful anaphora if you use it consistently, but as it is scattered randomly around the verses, I found that it did not add much to the poem. If you cut the verse up into stanzas, and headed each stanza with 'This place', it could do very well. Free verse wants some stability. You also use 'babies' twice in different contexts, which did not work for me as it is such a strong word. It draws attention to itself, so I would only use it once. You state that the place is heaven twice, where I think once would suffice. The fifteen-phrase becomes exhausted if you keep returning to it. There are many other repetitions in meaning and words that are not necessary. Keep it as short and as simple as possible (but no shorter).
There are quite a lot of bland romantic phrases which do not mean as much as they should. 'Where the moon takes its nap'. Lovely, beautiful phrase. What does it mean? I could only find that it adds to the romantic atmosphere, which should not be an excuse for using it.
Originality:
A rather old idea, remembering the love you had before you married, but you made a nice poem out of it and gave it a different twist, by making it a place.
These were all my critiques, but this is still a lovely poem and I enjoyed reading it.
Well written!