Young Writers Society

I really appreciate the time you took to clearly lay out this narrative and spoke so plainly about an emotional subject. It shows maturity that you can pay attention to a sequence of events where others might dissolve into melodrama.

The problem is that this is a stereotypical and over done story. Plenty have people have explored it already, and if you don't take it deeper or go a new way, it's not going to satisfy your reader, and we're going to just add it to the amalgam of previously-heard versions that we have in our brain.

Take it somewhere new. What hit you the hardest about this narrative? Focus where your energy is. For me, I liked the idea that the baby was somewhere in a clean house, potentially nearby where the mother died. That juxtaposition of clean and dirty, young and older, life and potential versus death and despair works well to suggest a conflict where before it was just a predictable fall into something like a habit. But that's what caught my eye. What caught yours? What made you want to write this poem? What strikes you about this subject? Write more about that. You'll find emotion, specific scenes, and deeper, more vivid philosophy if you explore just a little bit more, yeah?

Hope this was helpful! PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck and above all, keep writing!

Hello! Wow, what an expressive poem, well done! The message came across loud and clear and I really understand your poem. The imagery is really good!

Maybe you could add more descriptions and add some punctuation to create even more of a flow.

This is great-your poem tells a story and carries a message that people can relate to!

Thank you and well done!

tiggpanda145

(sorry it's short-I can't find anymore flaws!)

Wow such a beautiful poem...so much expression. Though there was not much description I could get the picture perfectly. The mood is ok and then there is a flow too. Like its alright absolutely overall but as for the presentation...it is not up to the same standard as the poem. What I mean is the poem is so nice and beautiful that is when you read it out..but if one reads it then they would not really catch the flow bevause its so sparsely punctuated..punctuation gives a flow to a poem to a great extent..I know you have used punctuations but somehow the flow is not clear...also the poem is based on a single person so a bit of the description of her appearance would have been great. This poem is like a short giving an account of somebody from a cetain period to another period of time and its so good to read poems like these. Loved the poem. Good work!

Hey there fellow writer! peakerskat here for a review for Tsunami Tyrants!

I know what you are talking about in this poem....everything was just that clear. I could see the happy strong woman in the beginning who fooled herself into thinking she was weak. I could see her friends trying to hekp her, to save her. I could see the people taking advantage of her, misusing her. I could see her detatched, her eyes unseeing and distant...empty. I could see her on her death bead, pale, weak, a hell of her former self. It makes me very sad...this is all to real and quite a hard subject to write about and truly grasp the magnatude of in such few words as a poem allows yet you did it with all the grace and pose and command of the english language as some of the best writers, yet it was simple and rich. Like a velvet cake for th mind only with a bitter after taste.

Thank you for writing this and sharing it. I loved how you wrote it

~Speakerskat