Guadalupe The Mosquito
A Sunday morning, the sun, holding me in it’s warm embrace. I sit comfortably on the couch, cozy, content, and relaxed. I hear a “bzt,” I only heard it for a brief half second. My brain laughed. You silly! There isn’t anything there, just a little trick of sound, perhaps construction workers are still drilling a hole! I believed myself, but soon after, another sound, “Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!!!!!!” The noise died away. My brain mocked me. It’s a fly! Stop being such a wimp! I believed myself again, but only for a brief moment. Tiny beads of sweat formed, half from the heat of the sun, half from the thought of coming in contact with an insect.
The next thing I knew, there was the stripey, long-legged, blood-sucking pest, flying in front of my face. I thought I saw it sneering at me. I swatted at it, it flew away with a swift duck and loop around my head. I chased it, and named it Guadalupe, the girl that I sincerely hated, she was in my fourth grade class. Guadalupe landed on the wall, vulnerable, tired, slow, a perfect target.
My hand was raised, hatred tanks filled, but the brakes were on. My hand urged me to go forward, my brain pleaded with me to stop. I was trapped. Guadalupe started flying again, buzzing in the air as if screaming. My hand smacked the wall; deliberately going wide of hitting Guadalupe. My hand screeched, scolding my brain for missing. I tried, running around the house, chasing but not killing, Guadalupe buzzed and I ran.
Guadalupe was too tired, she landed on the floor. Another perfect time to hit. Another perfect target. My hand was raised, my disgust guns loaded and ready, but my hand wouldn’t press the trigger. I told myself that I was going to hit a dust bunny or some leaf that tracked into the house. You aren’t about to smash a mosquito, it’s a dust bunny, believe me. I painfully stretched my arm out, blinded myself with the sun, and fired. Something horrible happened: blood splattered on my hand, it was from Guadalupe. I killed her.
After a few seconds, my leg started itching. I looked down and saw a puffy, red bump. I scratched it, scratched some more, couldn’t stop scratching, and finally, scratched my skin raw. It was a mosquito bite, from Guadalupe. Karma right? That’s some nice Karma.
In the end, I sat back in the sun’s hands and took a nap, making myself unaware of the murder I just committed. My shoulders sagged with comfort and I fell asleep. A warm, soft nap, like sleeping on a warm water bed. In the end, I cut out the thought of Guadalupe. She's in a better place now, I thought to myself as I sank into the Sunday afternoon.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hii! First of all let me just say that I definitely enjoyed this short story. However, there are a few things I'd like to point out:
1. I understand you wanting to make this as dramatic as possible, but some things were a little too much and didn't really make sense to me: 'hatred tanks', 'disgust guns'.
Also I found that the use of the word 'hatred' and 'disgust' weren't that well-chosen for this situation- after all, we don't kill mosquitoes or bugs in general because we hate them or because they disgust us. Maybe you do, after all some people do have a fear of bugs, but considering the fact that you tried to make this relatable, the words didn't seem to fit in this particular situation.
2. Why is the narrator so afraid of killing the mosquito? It's very clear that she can't / is afraid but why? In order to make the reader feel what you want us to feel you should explain the connection that the narrator makes and dive a little deeper into this topic of taking the bugs like etc.
3. If the narrator is afraid of killing the mosquito and has a full-on internal battle about this why is he/she suddenly so laid-back and uncaring after doing it? If it's so hard for the person to kill the mosquito and thinks that it's wrong why does he/she kill it and simply goes to sleep without giving it a second thought? Also the story was so dramatic up until the ending and it felt like you wanted us to understand why it was so wrong but then you just kill the mosquito and take a nap? if there is something to learn from that, you should probably not make it sound like such a small, unimportant thing.
All in all this was a nice story and I would be lying if I said that it didn't put a smile on my face. Hopefully you find this review helpful.
Okay, alright. To be honest, I just got here because the name "Guadalupe" is also a name of a place where I've been a lot (I live in the PHL). This short is pretty short too, so I thought I'd stick around to review a bit.
Anyways, welcome to the YWS. My name is outvaders (don't capitalize the "o"), and it's gonna be a pleasure to provide you with this rapid-fire review. Let's begin.
-One of the pressing questions I have is why Guadalupe? Since this is fiction, you can name the mosquito pretty much anything you want to name it. So why Guadalupe? As far as my stock knowledge and impromptu research goes, Guadalupe is a famous place where a famous Marian apparition happened to a native Mexican. But why Guadalupe? The way I see it, the name of the mosquito has no meaning to it; we could change the mosquito's name to Dora or any name for that matter, and it would change little of the narrative's meaning. If there is a meaning to the name Guadalupe though, maybe I just don't see it.
The issue I have about this is that it makes me overthink or misinterpret your story. I'm a Catholic who's acquainted to the image of Mary that's associated with "Guadalupe," and I also happen to pass by a place named Guadalupe every after school. It got me thinking, maybe this has something to do with those, so I did some research and tried to correlate them to the mosquito, but it just doesn't fit. It grinds my gears that I was led to thinking there was a deeper meaning to it when there was not.
-This is more of a suggestion, but I think it would be way cooler if you gave the main character (and us readers, too) a reason to sincerely hate that b*tch Guadalupe. I mean, I hate mosquitoes, screw those things. Last night I got six mosquito bites at once when I walked out at night. They itched like hell. But what else did that degenerate Guadalupe do to deserve the main character's hatred? Perhaps if you tell us why, maybe we can relate to the main character and hate that hoe Guadalupe too.
-Disgust guns? Hatred tanks? I know I'm a crazy guy who likes making things so overly dramatic, but these don't just click for me. I can't explain it, but it just doesn't. Maybe it doesn't fit the theme or something like that.
-One last thing. The way you tell the thought process of the main character as he fights Guadalupe makes it feel like his body and brain are two separate entities. It just feels like he's a robot, and inside that robot are two pilots; one for the body, one for the brain. It doesn't feel like it's one human being having a mental dilemma, but rather two individual beings bickering with each other. These lines just give off that feeling:
"My hand screeched, scolding my brain for missing."
"My brain laughed. You silly!"
"My brain mocked me. It’s a fly!"
"My hand urged me to go forward, my brain pleaded with me to stop."
It bugs me, because it affects my perception of him as a human being. But also because this obviously wasn't the intention.
I think these are just about all the things I want to say for now. I hope you got something new in this review. Here's to hoping that I'll see you again soon. But until then, just keep writing.
-outvaders
Well, in the story, i say that I named her Guadalupe because "named it Guadalupe, the girl that I sincerely hated, she was in my fourth grade class" The main reason is that I hate her, but I don't think she deserves death. and now that I've named her, it's even harder to kill the mosquito. Oh, and also, the main character is a girl. It's me. I should probably make that clear too huh. I learned a lot from this review! Thanks!
It's not that clear from the beginning that these are your actual feelings and that you were referring to actual people. You know, since this is fiction, the readers would naturally expect this story to be just that: something make-believe. So I guess you gotta deal with that.
My personal solution to that is to just bask in how you hate that girl. Just describe to the reader how much you hate her. Oh, she's a bloodsucking traitor who leeches away at you when you're not looking. She's a fat b*tch, just like mosquitoes when they finish their bloodsucking business. She's annoying, you can't just get away from her.
Just pour out into the paper how much you hate her. Grind into the reader that you despise her. Then maybe, just maybe, the reader would feel that there's more to this story than just make-believe.
That's what I would do though. I dunno if you're the kinda person to be this pessimistic, but I'm just offering another perspective on it. See ya around.
Wow! That language is powerful. So, you're saying, try to make the reader really KNOW that I seriously hate her?
Well, that's one way to make them know that this is inspired by real life or coming from the heart. But it can be unhealthy if you overdo it. Too much hatred is bad for the health, and in the end, what's in the past should stay in the past. If you're gonna do this, reminisce, but don't dwell on it too much.
Another way to achieve that same effect is to post a similar story once or twice more. You can also just outright tell the reader that this story is inspired by real feelings, but that can't carry through by itself.
Well, that's one way to make them know that this is inspired by real life or coming from the heart. But it can be unhealthy if you overdo it. Too much hatred is bad for the health, and in the end, what's in the past should stay in the past. If you're gonna do this, reminisce, but don't dwell on it too much.
Another way to achieve that same effect is to post a similar story once or twice more. You can also just outright tell the reader that this story is inspired by real feelings, but that can't carry through by itself.
Well, that's one way to make them know that this is inspired by real life or coming from the heart. But it can be unhealthy if you overdo it. Too much hatred is bad for the health, and in the end, what's in the past should stay in the past. If you're gonna do this, reminisce, but don't dwell on it too much.
Another way to achieve that same effect is to post a similar story once or twice more. You can also just outright tell the reader that this story is inspired by real feelings, but that can't carry through by itself.
I really like this, especially the way you describe the seemingly not important conflict of a person killing a fly in such an interesting (and dramatic!) way. Guadalupe is in a better place now and I find your writing's very good and humorous on top of that. Plus I appreciate the name choice for the fly and the fact you referred to it as "she".
Hey Raven Black here!
Why did you have to make me feel so bad for killing insects T_T But maybe that's a good thing because apparently we need them as much as they need us, Shakespeare did say: "man's life's as cheap as beasts" ( so I just had an English exam and I can't get King Lear out my head).
Anyway onto the review!
Positives:
- I loved the humor in this piece, instilled a light mood even though it was a sad topic (RIP Guadalupe). I burst out laughing when you said: "I told myself that I was going to hit a dust bunny" now i don't know if that's a real phrase but its a good metaphor for a ball of fluff. Plus it just sounded funny. Also, naming the fly Guadalupe was hilarious, would love to know the inspiration behind that.
- When it came to the emotional parts I loved that you changed the tone or I wouldn't have been able to feel sorry for the fly. I was so sad when you said: "She's in a better place now" ( so emotional T_T)
Negatives? I don't actually have any to be honest. But that's a good thing...or is it? Sorry if this didn't help T_T
Keep Writing xx
Hi there!
I really enjoyed the tone of this story. It was so over-the-top dramatic - all this hubbub over killing a mosquito, who frankly got a more beautiful name than any mosquito really deserves - that it made it really amusing. I also liked the story behind Guadalupe the Mosquito's name.
I have two suggestions for you today. One is, while I found the story amusing as the narrator tried to kill the mosquito and kept backing off because she couldn't help likening it to murder, well...I was never quite clear on why she had such trouble smacking the mosquito. Was it just because she likened killing a mosquito to murder in her head, and then she couldn't get past that? Or was it because she had named the mosquito after a real person, even if that person was someone she hated?
Also, I think you could cut out that opening paragraph. Other than some people (as pkidchick said) not knowing that feeling, it's kind of dull and actually unnecessary to the story. You could start right off with the Sunday morning sunshine and the buzzing, here.
We really don't need the intro paragraph to understand the rest of the story, and it's not as strong as the rest of the story anyway.
Write on!
Blue
Hey lolo!
Aha, this was a slightly humorous story (also very dramatic), and you did succeed in bringing a smile to my face. You certainly had some effective imagery, such as your whole personification thing with the sun's hands; and overall wrote this story in a very different style. I liked it. It fit the plot.
Here's Some Random Review Thoughts
To be honest, I've never killed a mosquito with my hand like you just did here. So your whole beginning paragraph - You know when you want to kill that mosquito, but you just can’t? You try your best, but you just aren’t able to will your hand to do it?, etc,. etc. - uh, sorry, no. I can't relate. I'm sure some people would flat-out smack a mosquito but I'm going to say it's not very common...
I know you established in the beginning that thinking of that horrid creature smashed on your fingers will make you hesitate in the murder of it, but you didn't mention any of that in the actual scene of it happening. I got a little caught up in the story, so when I read the brakes were on, I literally stopped and went Why? My brain pleaded with me to stop - once again, Why? Now, I'm not saying every person reading this will do what I just did, but I think it would be helpful if you put in that little reminder of why the brakes were on, and your brain was pleading during the murder.
Now this is purely the opinion of this reviewer, and some may say different, but I've never particularly liked when a sentence ends with something so vague as "or something". It's not specific at all. What else is similar to a dust bunny? A ball of lint, or gosh even a hairball. I don't know, but please specify!
Your ending bothered me. Especially your closing question.
I'm sorry but I don't see how sleeping on warm water compares to a warm, soft nap. I don't typically sleep on warm water so I'm not quite getting the feel here. What do you mean?
Answering your question, Yes! I love Sundays! But um, how does this relate to the story? I thought that was completely random. You just murdered a mosquito, try to take your mind off that, fall asleep, and now: oh, I just love Sundays, don't you? Hmm, I think you should have ended this differently. You begin the story in the future, telling it as you're looking back on the moment, so why not close with your overall thoughts? What exactly did you think of this experience later on?
Anyhow, this was quite an interesting story! I like how you took something so minor and completely dramatized it into this. Great job, lolo. If you have any questions, comments or accusations about anything I said, do let me know! (though I'd prefer to skip those accusations) Have a great day.
cheers!
I'm sorry if you didn't relate but this story was targeted at the people who do. I know I should make it so that everyone can relate but that's not the point of this story. Oh yeah and thanks for the review, I made a few changes.
Ah, yes. I'm sure some people could relate to this!
I apologize if I came across a little harshly in the review :\
Oh! no, you weren't that harsh! I got some really useful stuff from you and I really appreciate it! I'm sorry if my reply was a little cold. I wrote it really late and wasn't thinking straight. Thanks for the review!
It's all good!
You're welcome!