Alone
Just where will you be
when your lungs heave their last
Just what will you see,
as the world turns to black
and how will you feel
with not a soul by your side
only the darkness
there as you cry.
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139,599 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
I like how all of them (and especially the second two) use a lot of enjambment which Is easily my favourite poetic technique. The final one even has a small rhyming scheme which is nice.
maybe it's just me but I feel the last line of the second would have been better if it were "light of the moon" or even "bright moon" or similar rather than "cold moon".
All in all they were not bad at all!
It's a nice set of poems and a very succinct summarisation of exactly how one might views them. In a poetic mood of course - but then that's the whole point.
'Alone' could be made to throw a bit more light on the dark, but it's an excellent effort.
On 'flowers' there is nothing to say, I enjoyed it especially.
'Mazes' could do with some less abruptness of scenery.
But, it's very well written on the whole.
Hey there !! Ejay here for a quick review.
To begin with, I think you should split the poems and post them as separate works. In this way, you will be able to enhance their uniqueness (Were you running short on points?) . I particularly liked your last poem. It had a nice feel to it. The title "Mazes" was pretty intriguing.
Your rhyme scheme can be improved upon a bit.
Otherwise, It's a great attempt.
Cheers!
Regards,
Ejay
Hey, here for a review!! I don't think I have ever reviewed any of your work so I'm excited!
and it only rhymes lines one and three and it really doesn't constitute a rhyme scheme at all. I would take out the rhyme in the first and third lines and you'd just end up with a non rhyming poem there.I'm just going to get right into it. I'm going to start off saying that I don't really like the way you have three poems squished into a single piece of work. Whether it being due to lack of points of stylistic choice, it's not my favorite. I can't seem to find a tie between all three of these poems, if there is then I am sorry, but if they could have a single theme or noun repeated so that all three could tie together then it might actually work. I would recommend playing around with that.
Next, I'm going to talk about the rhyme scheme going on here. As I say in most reviews I do, rhyming sort of limits your vocabulary and what word choices you can use, but if you also don't go all the way with rhyming it's not as complete as it could be. It's kind of a oxymoron (or whatever the right terminology is). In the first poem featured the rhyme scheme is
In the second poem, you only rhyme lines one and three and six and eight together. Once again, not really consistent and could be without the rhyme scheme. In the third poem I see that you rhyme A, B, C, B all throughout the four groups of lines. I would also recommend, if you are grouping different poems all into one piece of work to have them be consistent in one way, whether it be a common theme and or a common rhyme scheme, or lack of a rhyme scheme; I believe it would work even better.
I think that you could also use stanzas and it would help group thoughts since you didn't really use punctuation. For example, your stanzas could be placed like (as I went through, I realized that your first poem is all together one stanza and didn't really need to be grouped into stanzas)
As for your content, I think It matched your titles fairly well. Your writing style in these are short and sweet almost like a children's book and I really like that.
Overall, this was a well written piece of work and I liked the three poems individually. I hope to read more of your work and I wish you best of luck on those!