Young Writers Society

hey! up for a review for the best of blue fish team.

So; fabulous topic. A toxic friend. the one whom you trusted to the moon and back, for the one you could happily die. excellent.

its the best in my opinion to pen down your feelings and anger and burst out your emotions. Poetry is the best way to explain whats happening inside and that's what you did. hence, good job.

It was the best thing that you mentioned that he was your only friend and that even if he hurts you everytime ,you cannot leave him. it beautifully portrays your condition and helplessness. the other best was that every year it was a chance for him to torture you in new ways and more than ever. It is really very disturbing as well as annoying to know that a person whom you trusted so much and had extreme faith was the reason for your every downfall. The most beautiful comparison was that of with feather on the dress and gravel stuck by chewing gum onto he shoe .it described how you felt and still you don't want to be thrown off totally. You are still being a loyal friend. reading from top to bottom i felt connected to you and your pain. well done.

now coming onto some loose points (i don't want to be choosy; its totally up to you since its a matter of personal emotions). as the other member also pointed out, the length is a matter of concern and also the descriptions. I totally agree that while writing poetry and that to in sad tone , there is a rush of lines and feelings that rarely want to miss anyone. we tend to put our every emotion to it. But if you want an ultimate work then it should be precise with the most appealing words . it hence has the most powerful effect on the reader. if you ever edit or write it again , then do pick out the most realistic things and comparisons you made and keep it short. it will be wonderful.

you can even try something like first writing what you felt or what you did and then what your deceitful friend did. for an example:
"i trusted him but he deceived me
i wanted him till death but he wanted death for me."
if you like,just suggestions ..(grins)

i don't have any problem with the rhyme and all. its already well written and that comparisons which i mentioned above were just amazing. keep it up.

Overall, you killed it. Applause for you.
do tell me if you need any help except punctuation.(i have worst skills about it )..hehe

hope to read more of you.
Stay awaken,keep writing.

~~chitz

Hey! Royal here for a review.

First, I'd like to say, you've done a great job of translating your emotions into poetry. I mean, I've definitely been here and this is exactly how it feels when a good friend turns toxic. The line "I want you to wait for me," carries so much weight for me (heh) because this is truth; we all want to be wanted. And I think that's what your poem is about, but I mean only you really know what your poem is about. That's my take.

Anyway, into the critique. I can see this comes from a place of real emotion so I'm going to keep my comments light.

Generally, I think it's too long. In my opinion, the most powerful poems are shorter. I mean, I've said that about Wordsworth and Keats so don't feel bad. I just think you could choose a few really choice images (the wrapper, the feather on the dress, and the fish in the tap are my favorites) and just lay them out for your reader.

My style is to lay out those images and then explain absolutely nothing but I've been criticized for being too vague. So I'll say I would cut down on the concreteness of your details (the stabbing part was a little visceral; maybe go for something more emotional than physical) but don't give up on the concreteness of your imagery, if that makes sense. In other words, keep the idea of being stabbed or abandoned, but don't say she's stabbing and abandoning directly. Maybe describe the emotion rather than the action; or, if you really want to keep the action, make it something we can all relate to. Not many people have been stabbed, but a lot of people know the feeling when someone you care about walks away from you, or when they stay silent on the other side of a text. Does that make sense? I'm terrible at explaining stuff like this.

I'd like you to expand on why you can't leave. What's it like being shackled to this person? I mean, I know what that feels like, and I could see a lot of anger here but not much about feeling like you have nowhere else to go. I think expanding on that in place of the stabbing bit would help us understand the more complex emotion under all of this, which is a kind of hopeless longing. Once you explain that you can't leave, you don't have to say you're waiting for her to become someone better, because we can already feel that. We'll already want her to improve as a person so that we can stop feeling that pain, that empathy for you that I feel when I'm reading this. So my advice from these last two paragraphs, in a sentence: Cut it down, keep the best images, make every word count and focus on the complexity of the emotion, not just anger, but that hopelessness too.

I won't say anything about form or rhyme or whatever because if you wanted to write this in a form or with a rhyme, you would have. I like the way you've separated your stanzas. That separation makes this easier to read, even if it is so long. I wasn't crazy about the use of italics at first but by the end of it, you convinced me, so great work on that. Thank you for not capitalizing every single line; that's an amateur poet's mistake in my book, and you've avoided it beautifully. There's a realness to what you're saying here, just polish it up.

Overall, this is a good start to what I'm sure will be a fabulous poem about the poisoning of a once-great friendship. Good job, keep writing. And if you need a friend, you've got us here at the YWS. We're all a bunch of loners anyway!