Young Writers Society

This is a depressingly accurate poem. It's also very well written.

Hey there lolosboing,
Myjaspercat here to give you a review

Well, first of all, I really like this poem. I've never thought of life like this, and in fact I truly think that this is an interesting way of thinking about this. But since this is a review, I do have a few suggestions that I feel could help you a bit. First of all, the formatting of this piece could be worked upon a little. I don't know if you intentionally added the extra space in-between each line but in case you didn't, if you want to know how to remove the extra space, all you have to do is press 'shift enter' instead of just enter. Also, is this one whole stanza or is there actually multiple stanzas? Just something to think about.

Second, I feel like there a few to many commas in the beginning and it kind of drags down the flow of the piece. As well, after your line "suspended in the air" I would add a full stop. Right now you have no punctuation there but as I read it, it felt like a complete thought had ended, there for the line should stop.

Finally, the third to last and the second to last lines should be tweaked a bit, in my opinion. Instead of starting off with 'you' again I feel that in the second to last line you should start with something like 'because', because to me it feels like the last two lines are a result of something bad that could happen if you weren't to proceed with caution. But then again, it's up to you.

Anyway, I hope I helped a little bit with this review. Good luck and continue writing. ---Myjaspercat

Well this is certainly an interesting way of looking at things. This poem reminds me of HangMan. Everytime you get something wrong, a letter is taken away, which compares to this poem because every year that goes by a tiny bit of you is taken away, closer to death then to life. Its also a great theme you have going on here because you can't escape a rope around your neck. It's simply there, and you must bear with it. In this sense, you are watching yourself die and fall closer to the abyss, kind of like entering the maw of death. The only way to escape it is death on purpose or simply when death just comes. Really emphasizes on the restraint part. Well done!

Cheers.