z

Young Writers Society


12+

Three, Two, One

by lolosboing


Laise stared at the grimy mirror in front of him. A small face, dirty blonde hair and thin lips. His fists tightened as he recalled the twisted, thorny squabbles of his classmates. The voices rang in his head, freak! Disgusting! Faggot! His dusty green eyes bled with agony. I can't take it anymore, he thought as he stepped closer to the sink. He slammed his fist into it, shattering the glass. He jolted as someone started banging on the door.

“Open up Laise! Please open up!” It was Kye. A boy his age, who was more than a friend. Laise gritted his teeth as tears started to burn down his face.

“Kye… I’m sorry. I can’t take it anymore! I don’t want to be here anymore!” He gripped a piece of glass, wincing as blood started trickling down his arm.

“Kye, I’m so sorry! Kye!” He cried, half in agony and half in grief. Yet, he didn’t feel regret. He had decided. On his fifteenth birthday, he would do it, and he did.

Kye stared at the locked door in horror. Laise’s whimpers were silenced, a terrible chill settled over the scene, a fog of despair. Kye was lost. The one person he had relied on his entire life, was lost as well. Kye fell to the floor, unable to comprehend what had just taken place. Did he just… is he… no. No, no, no! He can’t! He couldn’t have… Kye’s thoughts were clouded, disbelief shredding away at his soul. All that he had lived for was demolished. There was no reason, to stay here anymore.

The tears stopped flowing. His fists unclenched. The shaking ceased. Kye stood, eyes shadowed over by his chestnut hair. His frown turned up into a shivering smile, but his eyes did not smile with it. His grin soon however crippled into a pained cry. He tried to convince himself that it was all a dream. Maybe if he smiled, he would wake up in his own bed and forget the nightmare. But there was no way this was a dream, it felt all too real. He fell against the door, banging and screaming,

“You’ve got to wake up! Laise! Laise! Please wake up! Laise I’m sorry! Laise! Don’t leave me! You can’t leave me! Talk to me! Tell me about everything I did wrong! I’ll fix it! I’m sorry Laise! Please! Please don’t go without me! Wait for me!” Teeth clenched and fingernails scratching at the wood, he wailed. But no matter how much he begged, Laise would not answer, and Kye was forced to accept the truth. Laise is dead.

Laise’s mother, Christine came sprinting into the room, eyes wide with fear. Kye was still screaming and was at this point, desparately prying on the doorknob. Christine dragged Kye away from the door, setting him in a chair, sobbing.

“Kye! Where is Laise?! What happened when I was gone?!” Kye looked up. The expression on his face was enough to tell her everything. She raced to the bathroom door, prying it open. A look of terror was slapped on her face as she stared down, her son, barely breathing on the tile. Kye’s eyes widened, he fell off the chair and hurriedly clawed his way to Laise’s side.

“LAISE!” He called. It was hopeless. He rocked back and forth, knees hugged to his chest. Kye plucked Laise’s hand from the cold porcelain and held it, stroking the soft skin. Tears shivered onto Laise’s face, but they were not his. The wail of a siren screeched in the distance as the two picked up Laise’s body, heaving him onto the bed. His mother began to clean the glass and blood, heart racing. She cried out as glass cut her, adding more blood to the tiles. Yes, the two were quite scared, because the thing most precious to them, was rapidly slipping away.

The emergency medical assistants were placing Laise in the vehicle, the hopeful crow of the siren started up again as the truck began to hustle back to the hospital. Kye and Laise’s mother were being comforted, being told that everything would be all right. All lies. Kye stood silently by the garden, unable to think. Christine’s eyes were glazed with grief as one of the nurses explained.

“I’m afraid your son may not make it. He has lost a very critical amount of blood. We will do everything we possibly can, but we cannot tell you for sure if he will be alright. For now, the best thing you can do for him is to keep calm and be patient.” Kye gritted his teeth and ran back into the house.

“I’ve got to find him. I’ve got to find Laise! Laise! Laise! Where are you?!” His thoughts were muddled. Laise!

“Laise! Answer me! Laise! Please Laise! Please… don’t go…” He dropped to the bathroom floor, sobbing. He couldn’t believe it. Laise, don’t go without me! It was impossible. Kye could not move on. He felt the pain of a wounded animal, left to die by it’s own family. Laise wouldn’t abandon me… but he did.

“Kye!” Christine called. Where is that boy, she muttered.

“Kye!” Kye looked up from the floor.

“There you are.” Her eyes were swollen. Kye spoke, for the first time in hours,

“Have you found Laise?” She looked at him, hurt by the reminder and confused.

“What are you talking about? Laise is… he’s… in the hospital.” Kye shook his head, a strange smile shivering in it’s frailty.

“No. Laise isn’t in the hospital. He’s somewhere else, far away from me and you.” Tears began to pour on the young boy’s face. Christine rubbed her temples,

“Please! Don’t make anymore trouble for me! You don’t make any sense.”

“But he’s —”

“Laise is in the hospital and that’s that!” She screamed in agitation. Kye listened to her footsteps as they pounded down the stairs. Kye’s smile crumpled, but at least one thing was sure. He was finding Laise, even if it meant leaving this world.

Kye raced out of the house and down to the lake. Laise, do you remember when we sat by this lake… together. Do you remember the sun, heating up our backs and the autumn wind touching our hair? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten. Don’t tell me it was all for nothing. Kye took one look at the water, and dove in. He’d never learned how to swim.

He needed to find Laise, to be with him. He needed Laise. Run his spindly fingers through dirty blonde hair. Smooth skin, beautiful, sad, lonely eyes. Soft, shivering lips to ease his pain. He needed Laise. Laise come back to me...poor, pained, beautiful, kind, cool, brave, Laise. I love Laise...maybe, perhaps, he didn’t love me. Lies, all lies. Confusion broke through every reasonable thought in his mind. No room for those thoughts….all I need is Laise.

The water is deep. It’s cold too. The water is dark, black. There is something sliding against my leg, is it Laise’s soft hand? There is a dark shape above me, is it his faraway face, finally looking just at me? Kye let the bubbles in his mouth disperse, he suffocated. Slimy shadows brushed against him as his eyes struggled to keep open. The algae coated pebbles were slippery, like the scales of a sea snake. He hated it, the feeling of water plants shivering against his spine. The creatures in the water with him noticed the new intruder. They crawled across the muddy bottom to claw and scratch at his hands and feet, like spirits, they waited for him to die, so they could devour him. Kye felt fear and regret cripple him up. I don’t want this. A faint voice from above called. Kye! Kye! It was Christine. I’m so sorry Laise… I’m coming to you Laise… he felt the world turn black as he slipped away and the devils of the lake leaned in to have a piece. Kye had found Laise in the darkest of places, and finally, they were together again.

Several weeks later, a newspaper floated to the bottom of the pond. Ink swirled and glimmered in the water, leaving just enough to read out the words, “miraculous recovery”. Laise’s small face, pinched and pale was posted on the front. The headline read, “Where’s Kye.” they were the first words uttered by the poor boy, and they were never to be answered. For Kye was long gone, thinking that his beloved was with him all the way...


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30 Reviews


Points: 255
Reviews: 30

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Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:43 am
Nymeria wrote a review...



Wow. Okay. Here we go.

That was intense. It was scary, confusing, and sad. It pulled at my emotions and reminded me a bit of the movie Love is All You Need?, which is a fantastic movie and I recommend it to everyone. This was a good story, and a powerful tale.

But it was confusing. I understand it is probably meant to be mysterious, but you've gotta give us a little to work with. Is the place they are trying to go some version of death and the afterlife? Or some other dimension? It would also be nice to know what particular event led Laise to cut himself, like what was the last straw? (Also how do you pronounce Laise? In my head it was 'Layze'). I think that it's good for a story to be mysterious, but not overly confusing.

This story was emotional. It may be beneficial for the reader to know why the characters love each other. Hmm, I'm not quite sure how to word this. Give the characters some special quality, I guess. Like kindness or bravery. You gave physical descriptions but what are these people like as people? No need to add a lot, just a little something to bring to life the characters.

Last thing, I don't understand why the title is Three, Two, One.

Overall amazing story. I hope I didn't repeat others' comments too much as I didn't read them before posting. Great work, keep writing!

~Nymeria




lolosboing says...


Hi Nymeria! Thanks for the review! Yeah, I think I made it very confusing, because other people said that too! Hmm... I'm going to answer a few questions first, so you can understand better :).

1. It's called one two three, because I didn't know what else to call it

2. I think you're thinking too hard about where they go after death. That's not the important part about it. Kye just wanted to join the "dead" Laise in death, so that they would be dead together, not necessarily going anywhere.

3. The words that he'd been called in the first paragraph were the last straw.

4.You pronounced Laise correct

5. Laise is : "poor, pained, beautiful, kind, cool, brave, Laise." As said in the story.

6. And I guess Kye is just a very faithful friend because of how desparate he was when trying to open the door. I think that the reader should try and imagine how they think the characters should be in order to fit best into the story, but since I made it a way too confusing... sorry about that! :D

I hope that made it easier to understand and sorry it was so confusing!
-Lolo



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Tue Aug 01, 2017 5:53 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, lolosboing! Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it.

Laise stared at the grimy glass mirror in front of him.

'Glass' is an unnecessary adjective in this sentence. Most mirrors are glass, so you don't need to tell the audience that this mirror is. I do like 'grimy' though.

His fists tightened as he remembered.

Remembered what? We're barely two sentences into this story. Even if you explain yourself right after, you're going to have to be more specific than that.

He slammed his father’s hammer into it, shattering the glass.

Why does he have his father's hammer? Why was it never mentioned before? Is there any reason for Laise to have a hammer other to smash the mirror? You can punch a mirror and break it. I remember my brother once punched a window and broke it. He only had a few cuts on his hand afterward. If Laise wants to kill himself, then what's stopping him from breaking the mirror with his own fist?

Kye stared at the locked door in horror. Laise’s whimpers were silenced, a terrible chill settled over the scene, a fog of despair.

And now the point of view changes for some reason. Why? Why didn't you just have it from Kye's point of view in the first place? Third person omniscient doesn't really seem like a good POV choice for this story.

His frown turned up into a shivering smile, but his eyes did not smile with it. His grin soon however crippled into a pained cry.

Why did he smile? People don't smile for no reason, so if Kye is going to smile while his boyfriend(?) is lying on the floor bleeding out, you're going to have to explain why to the audience.

Kye was still screaming and was at this point, chewing on the doorknob.

Chewing on the doorknob? That just doesn't make any sense.

His mother began to clean the glass and blood, heart racing. She cried out as glass cut her, adding more blood to the tiles.

Why is she cleaning? Her son is dying and probably in the way anyway.

Yes, the two were quite scared, because the thing most precious to them, was rapidly slipping away.

This is much too telly. It's not necessary.

I think you had a lot of good feelings here, but a lot of the actions in this are confusing and are never explained. I mentioned most of the places where this happened.

The single biggest confusing moment for me was Kye's suicide. He took no time to process Laise's death. I've experienced loss before, and while most were from terminal illness and were expected, it still took time for me to process the loss.

This short story could be compared to Romeo and Juliet from the joint suicide, and even that one of them ends up living, though ultimately, Juliet sees her dead lover and kills herself for real. I can't say I'm impressed if that's what you were intending. Romeo and Juliet is a very tired play to draw inspiration from.

I think that there were a lot of strange, unexplained things in this that detracted from the overall reading experience and just made me question what was going on.

Overall, I think that this held some great potential for emotions, but it was hindered by a lot of it not making much sense. I think that this story could be a lot better if you went through and ask yourself why each action happened. If you can't answer or the answer doesn't make any sense, then it needs to be fixed.

I hope this review was helpful and not too harsh, especially considering the subject matter. I don't know what kind of state of mind you were in while writing this, but don't take my advice personally. Everything I said in this review is meant to help you become the best writer you can be, not tear you down.

If you have any questions or need to talk, feel free to shoot me a pm or reply to this review.

~Storm




lolosboing says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah, I made it pretty confusing. I'll try and fix those parts! I definitely agree! One thing though, I also lost someone close to me. I never took the time to process it, because I'd resolved myself before it happened. I think that there are different ways that people handle painful things. I'm not sure if I can change that part because this story was inspired by a couple of things. It's for the one that I lost and was supposed to show that sometimes, people just can't handle the thought of losing someone that they loved. Because that's how I felt when I first heard that, that someone that I lost, was extremely sick, and getting worse every day. Thanks for the review though! And I really appreciate the points you made, they are all very accurate!
-Lolo



lolosboing says...


If that comment sounded kinda harsh or cold, SORRY!!! I hope I didn't go too far or anything or insult you!!! Here's a better, more understandable comment:

I just want you to know that the story is based not on Romeo and Juliet, but how I felt when I lost someone and how I would've handled it had I not resolved myself beforehand.

Thanks for the review!

-Lolo



inktopus says...


It's fine, I was actually worried about my own review sounding harsh. My feelings weren't hurt.



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Tue Aug 01, 2017 5:15 pm
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello, lolosboing! PastelSlushie here for a review. Let's get right into it!

First comment: I'm not going to lie, this made me cry. I had to take a ten-minute break after reading to calm down. Not only was it written beautifully, I can relate to what the story is implying. My brother and I attempted suicide after figuring out our mother died. She had to give us up when we were eight when she couldn't afford to care for us, and we moved from Italy to America and were adopted. When we got the news, we both attempted suicide. I survived, he died.

Second comment: The ending was my favorite. It had a nice plot twist, and it really reminds me of the ending of a movie or a tv show or a short. Most people would end it by Kye and Laise being together in heaven, but you added something more, something that tugs at the readers' heart even more. That is amazing writing, despite the plot being often used.

Well, that's the end of this review. Sorry if I was was harsh in anyway you didn't like. You took an often used plot and added your own plot twist to it, which makes it even more special. Please, keep writing!

Pastel




lolosboing says...


Hi pastel! You were not harsh at all! I'm very sorry I made you cry! Your review was also very sad, and I can relate to the feeling of losing someone, I think that a lot of people can. It's extremely frightening! Thank you so much for the review and I hope that you didn't smear makeup or something (if you wear makeup)
-Lolo





Glad you lied my review!

But don't apologize for making me cry! I'm a very emotional person, I cry a lot, whether it be from hurting myself, losing someone, or reading something beautiful like this!

But no, I don't wear makeup. I spend all my money on books so .-. My





Oops ignore that my at the end.




how can i live laugh love in these conditions
— Orion42