z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Ashura: A World of Sword and Magic Chapter 8

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Darkness fell onto Strongfair. The army of the undead’s onslaught was slow, yet dreadful. The smaller ones began climbing up the wall while the ground forces attempted to break down the large gate that stood in their path.

Standing on top of a hill was the knight as he observed his forces progress.

Excellent. Now, let’s see how the living can fend themselves off against the dead. Hands behind his back, the knight was pleased at the development that was before him.

“Lord Nergal!”

The knight turned and glared. Running up was a lone skeleton that trembled in front of its’ master. He was terrified of his masters’ tremendous size and knew not to disturb him while he was deep in thought.

“What do you want?!” Nergal seethed.

He could never tolerate sniveling, especially from his own men.

Calming his nerves, the skeleton straightened itself and responded in a placid manner, “Our troops are having difficulty breaching pass the front gate! It’s been barricaded from the inside, so we won’t be able to break through!”

The skeleton was still nervous from its’ tone of voice. Nergal scowled and let out a deep sigh.

He ordered, “Send in the draugs!”

The skeleton saluted and ran back down the hill. 35 minutes later, the undead stopped their assault on the gate. Moved out of the way, allowing the large brutes to march forward up to the gate. The draugs were hulking in size, standing about 12 feet in height, and had grey eyes, yellow teeth, and dried rotting skin that looked like it was soaked in the sea. They were covered in heavy armor that had been rusting and weathering over time, and large battle axes and swords in their hands.

They charged with a bellowing roar, striking their bodies against the hard wood and hearing the crackling sounds that emanated from the blows.

Behind the gate, there were four wooden pillars restraining the door as three of the guards tried their best to keep from falling apart.

“Keep hold of it, men! If these pillars fall, then all is lost!” said the first guard. He was wearing gray cape, signifying a high rank. “We need to keep hold before reinforcements arrive!”

“Captain! The gate is about to give in!” The third guard alerted the first guard, the captain.

The draugs struck once more. The door exploded with wood and debris flying all over the inside. The guards managed to run away as fast as they could and then watched in intimidation, seeing the undead horde swaggering their way into the city. Unsheathing their weapons the guards prepared to put their lives to protect their home. However, much of their hope diminished when they came face-to-face with the draugs.

“For Strongfair!” the captain screamed, waving his claymore in the air with such bravado.

The guard charged, raising their swords to strike. Unfortunately, their bravery was all for naught for as they got close to their enemies, the draugs swung their axes and clubs with quick speed, crushing the soldiers and watch their blood and entrails splash against their decaying skin.

Afterwards, the dead proceeded to break into every house in Strongfair, storming in and dragging every denizen out as they screamed in terror.

---------------------------

In another part of the city, Keya, Grimhilda, and Akio stared in horror. Keya covered her mouth with her hands, choking her gasps while tears fell from her eyes. Akio stuttered; his hands shook as they clenched, trying to maintain some tranquility.

“W-what the hell are those things? Why is the dead attacking?” Akio inquired as he stuttered.

Keya trembled before answering, “The dream has come true! They…have arrived! The Dark Lords forces…” Akio couldn’t make up what she was saying and was now feeling worried.

Grimhilda, on the other hand, was angry. No…she was furious. She gritted her teeth and stomped her foot in the ground, getting the boy and the elf’s attention.

“What the fuck?! Everything was peaceful and quiet until these assholes showed up! I’ll make them pay for this!” said Grimhilda angrily.

She ran into the house and came back 2 minutes later. Keya and Akio were surprised at what was in her hands.

“Is that a war hammer?!” Akio exclaimed.

It was huge. The hammer’s handle was about a foot and a half long with the head about 15 inches big, which contrasted the dwarf girl’s height.

She grinned and replied, “You bet it is, brown-eyes! I’m going to teach those rotting meat bags a lesson for messing with my town! If you wish to help me, then that’ll be grand!”

She started to walk. However, she was halted by a firm grip on her shoulder. Grimhilda snapped her neck and saw it was Akio who stopped her.

Regaining his composure, Akio retorted, “Are you seriously going to go down and single-handedly take on those zombies and skeletons, even though they outnumber you 1 to 10? We need a plan before we’ all start gallivanting into battle!”

At first, Grimhilda looked away and seethed, but then sighed yet still retained her stern glare. She questioned, “Alright! So, what do you suggest we do, huh?!” She had her hand on her hip and turned her attention back to the boy.

Akio pondered that thought. Then he raised his hand and smiled, saying, “We can try performing ground control! We’ll go down and evacuate the entire city and while try to get everyone to safety, we can help fight against the undead and restore order back to Strongfair!”

“You do realize that everything you’ve just suggested sounded like a crappy suicide mission, right?” Grimhilda deadpanned.

At that moment, Akio just hung his head in disappointment. He knew it wasn’t going to work, but didn’t hurt to actually propose such an idea. Luckily, at least one person supported his plan.

“I think it was an effortful thought, Akio,” said Keya encouragingly, patting the boys’ shoulder with an assuring smile.

Akio couldn’t help but smile back. It was good to have someone who believes in you.

“Ahem!” Akio and Keya turned back to Grimhilda who had her arms crossed. “Okay, so let’s say we went with your plan, how are we suppose to evacuate everyone without getting ourselves killed?”

Akio paused for a minute. Then he proposed, “Well, I guess there’s no way of doing it without killing ourselves. So, we’ll just have to fight and hope we won’t get disemboweled in the long run.”

With a shrug, Grimhilda smiled and replied, “I’m okay with that.”

“It may be a little perilous, but it’s better than letting the entire town burn to ash,” Keya agreed.

Akio flashed a smug grin, feeling a sense of pride at how his friends sided with him. Unfortunately, he thought differently: I should’ve thought of a better plan than recklessly and stupidly go out and letting us all fight! I mean this is the undead we’re talking about! With all the manga I’ve read and games I’ve played, they’ll just put themselves back together and we’ll be back in the same boat if we’re not careful! He started sweating bullets as he nervously quivered, but was still able to hold up his façade without the girls noticing.

With that, they dashed, heading into the warzone. “Wait!” before they could take another step, the three of them turned spun around and saw Tornstein exit his house. He was holding something long wrapped in a tarp as he walked out. He then tossed it at the boy who quickly caught it without dropping it on the ground.

“A warrior can’t go into battle without his sword.”

Unwrapping the tarp, Akio’s eyes widened when he saw it was his sword he was holding.

The old man then threw something else, but comically struck Keya right in the head before saying, “Also, miss, you forgot your staff.” She stood back up and rubbed the large bump that protruded on the side of her head until it vanished. Akio and Grimhilda were blue with shock. The old man quickly apologized with Keya waving her hand, “It’s okay!”

Getting up with her staff in hand, Keya brushed herself off and smiled. “Now, shall we get going then?” she said.

Akio and Grimhilda were stunned. However, as the elf girl walked forward, the boy noticed Keya’s expression changed from cheerful to annoyance once she was farther away. As someone of nobility, it made sense for Keya to hold up a façade after experiencing such a humiliating incident.

In the center of town, it started to become even more hectic. The undead soldiers had begun setting the building on fire, hoping to draw the people out, so to kill them. The city guards had fought valiantly, but it was all in vain. Every last one of them was struck down and slain by the superior might of the dead. No reinforcements arrived and so al hope was lost.

“Someone get this door open!” ordered one of the zombies.

Four of them rammed the door, trying to break into one of the smithies. They even used one of their own as a makeshift battering ram, but right when they broke the door down and chuckled in pride…bang! One of their heads exploded. Walking out of the building was a brown-bearded dwarf with a big rifle—a flintlock, to be precise—in his hand.

“That’ll teach ya bassa’s a lesson in reckoning me shop!” said the dwarf. He threw the gun away and pulled out a double-bladed ax from behind before the dead retaliated.

The dwarf started swinging his ax, slicing the zombie soldiers before him as they failed to tear his skin off with their hands and teeth. Right at that moment, the rest of the townsfolk began to fight back, using the weapons they had forged to take back their town while helping the city guards.

Akio, Keya, and Grimhilda arrived on the scene. However, they were surprised at how the townspeople were capable of handling themselves. The boy and the elf’s jaw dropped and nearly hit the ground.

“What the hell?! They have guns…and they know how to fight?!” Akio shouted in quizzical, yet fretted, tone of voice.

Grimhilda smacked her forehead and replied, “Oh…now, I remember! Almost everyone in Strongfair is a trained veteran!” she chuckled and shook her head at the end.

“You couldn’t have said that a while ago?!” Akio retorted.

Instead of apologizing, Grimhilda stated, “You never asked.”

Looking back, Akio took notice of the rifles. He thought: Huh, I guess this world isn’t just swords and sorcery after all. Even here, guns would exist also. It is like an RPG game!

Then they heard a loud whistle. It caught the three’s attention as they turned around, seeing Albert waving at them while cutting off a zombie’s head with a claymore.

“Hey! If you three want to help, right now would be the best time instead of clucking like a couple of hens!” said the repair man in a calm, leveled tone.

At first, the three looked at each other before nodding in confirmation. With a loud, “Let’s do this!” from the human boy, Grimhilda and Keya followed behind him as he dashed. Akio unsheathed his sword and began swinging his blade against the dead, which caused them to catch their attention. The dead turned around and drew closer to the boy. Luckily, before they could lay a hand on him, Keya stood in front and held her staff out, attempting to summon [Lightning] again.

“Okay, what was it, again? Oh skies’ breath…no, no! Maybe it’s…by the heavens’ will…”

Closer and closer, the dead were approaching to the young elf girl. When she looked up, her expression fell in fear, quivering and screaming with her staff held up in defense. However, as she looked up, she was surprised to see the dead dropped to the ground with their heads smashed to pieces.

“G-Grimhilda?! You saved me after all the mean things I said to you! Why?!” spinning around to face her, Grimhilda scowled annoyingly. She reached up and flicked her nose, causing Keya to stammer back.

“Ow! What was that for?!” she questioned, rubbing her nose in a frustrating manner.

The dwarf girl smirked with her hammer on her shoulder. Then she replied in a sassy tone of voice, “Geez, you can’t really let anything go, can you! Yes, you set a lot of things that piss me off, but…I can tell you’re a nice girl and that shouldn’t mean I should leave you to die.” Her tone sounded soft and sincere at the end.

Meanwhile, Akio was about 5 feet away from the girls, fending off against twelve skeleton warriors that had just appeared out of nowhere. The skeletons swung their swords and maces at the boy, but luckily their coordination was a little off, giving Akio the upper hand. He raised his sword and slashed his blade across, shattering three skeletons at once.

Huh. Well, that was easy! Or so he thought, but right when his guard was down, something pounced on top of him and pinned him against the dirt. He struggled to escape the grasp of the zombie soldier that had him restrained as it attempted to sink his teeth into the flesh of his face. Luckily, Akio was able to kick the zombie off of him by the abdomen, knocking it on its’ back and striking his blade into its’ face.

After they had finished clearing up the central district of the city. Akio, Grimhilda, and Keya proceeded to the front gate.

“Come on! We need to put an end to this incursion before it gets even worse,” Akio ordered in a straightforward tone.

“Yeah! Yeah! Don’t tell me what to do, okay! Besides, I doubt the three of us can stop those brutes!” retorted Grimhilda skeptically.

“Don’t be so pessimistic, Hilda. With our combined might, we might have a chance to put an end to this whole ordeal,” said Keya in an optimistic tone.

Grimhilda growled and barked, “With our combined might, we’ll probably die a slow painful death.”

The three arrived at the front gate and watched the surviving city guards fending themselves off against the undead horde. However, they were soon shocked at the sight of the draugs charging and tearing the soldiers limb from limb. One draug grabbed a soldier and lifted him up, gaping his mouth and preparing to take a bite of his head.

Please! Somebody, save me! The soldier pleaded, hoping that someone, or some god, would rescue him, yet when the draugs’ head came closer, the chances of salvation was dim.

Suddenly, the blade of a sword pierced through the center of the monster's chest, a couple of inches from its' heart. Akio quickly pulled the Blade of Accord out and backed away. He caught the beast's attention and was ready to fight, albeit trembling at the sight of something that big. The draug charged, dropping its ax and reaching its' hands around the boys' neck.

The boy dodged. He raised the sword and swung it against the monsters' abdomen. However, the draug was indifferent of the blow and thrust its' fist against the boy's stomach, tossing him into the air and landing three feet away onto the ground. He could taste the bile surfacing up from his stomach and into his mouth. When Akio came to, he looked up and was shocked to see the beast leaping towards him. Luckily, he quickly got back on his feet and jumped into the air. Letting out a bellowing cry, he swung his blade a little higher. Slash! The draug’s head fell to the dirt road, causing the body to tumble, as well.

The soldier grimaced and screamed, running far away from the battlefield as fast as he could. Holding his side, Akio motioned over to the monsters' head and chuckled.

“I guess, you won’t be having your meal today, huh?” the draug’s head was still functioning. It looked up and glared as Akio hovered over its’ cranium.

“Who the hell are you?!” shouted the draug.

Grimhilda and Keya stood beside the boy and shared the same scowl while looking down at the disembodied head. Akio lifted and drove his sword through the draugs’ skull, hearing it gripe as it became lifeless.

“Yeah, right! Like we’re going to give a rotting corpse our names,” Grimhilda mused with a cocky grin.

“Keep moving! These bastards are growing in numbers throughout the city! We can weaken their numbers, then they’ll have no choice but to retreat!”

Grimhilda and Keya complied with Akio’s order. They proceeded further to the gates while fighting their way through the undead swarm. When they made it to the entrance, they held their stance and charged, letting out a roar as they stormed out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Akio swung his sword and took out 3 ghouls as they fed on the flesh of a villager, cutting them’ all in half before piercing his blade through their temples, one-by-one. The sight of it disgusted him, but he was able to hide it well through his stoic façade. However, in his mind, he thought: Gross! Gross! Gross!

Grimhilda dropped her hammer hard on top of a zombie’s head, smashing its’ brains while letting out a gleeful laugh. She took great amusement in crushing her enemies before her.

She turned her attention to Akio and arched a brow. She remarked, “I don’t know how you can stand this, but it’s impressive that you can look like that while zombie guts are splashing on you.”

“Y-yeah! I-I just don’t let it bother me!” the boy replied with a fake smile. Unbeknownst to the dwarf girl, Akio was trembling in disgust, holding back his breakfast as his face turned a little green.

Keya was standing by the frontline and extended her staff outward before the twenty skeletons and zombies that darted towards her. Without even batting an eyelash, she set them’ all on fire, listening to them wreathe in despair while watching them slowly turn to ash.

“Whoa, you just incinerated them in an instant,” Akio stated, sounding both impressed and terrified.

“These creatures were created from the dead bodies of the innocent, twisted and warped by dark, insidious forces. I merely gave them’ all a proper cremation ceremony, so that their souls may finally rest.” Keya’s expression was stern. Akio noticed her gripping her staff tightly, almost enough to break it, causing crackling sounds to emit from the wood.

“Whoever is responsible for this monstrosity, we must put an end to it.”

With that, the three walked out of the city as they continued fighting their way against the horde. Unbeknownst to the three, a draug arrived behind them, raising his ax and preparing to strike Grimhilda down.

Turning around, the dwarf girl screamed. Akio took action and dashed as fast as he could. However, it wasn’t fast enough.

Damn it! I won’t make it on time! Grimhilda’s going to get killed and there’s nothing I can do! He was angry at his own uselessness as he berated himself. Just then, a bright yellow light encased his whole body and everything around him started to slow down. What the hell? What’s going on? I-it’s almost like time is decelerating. While he was surprised by this bizarre situation, he didn’t care. Instead, he decided to use it for his own advantage.

Before the blade of the ax struck, the dwarf girl was gone, which baffled the monster.

Hilda’s eyes were closed, so she was just as unsure, also. When she opened them, she was shocked that she was about five feet away from where she was before. She looked around and her face blushed.

“A-Akio!” she gasped.

Holding her like a princess was Akio, panting heavily while kneeling down in slight fatigue.

“Are you okay?” he asked in concern.

Her face turned redder. She shyly looked away and mumbled, “I-idiot! I-I didn’t ask for your help!”

The boy smiled. After he put her down, Akio dashed back with his sword clenched tightly and blocked the draug’s attack before it could strike at Keya.

“A-Akio?! How are you running so fast?!” asked the elf girl in astonishment.

“I don’t know how, but I’m just glad I've arrived on time!” He commented, flashing a cocky smile as he held his stance.

Then he heard a chuckle. The boy looked and saw it came from the draug before him. It flashed an ominous grin as it stared at Akio with wide, malicious gray eyes.

It remarked in a hallowing voice, “Do you actually believe you can survive? It is hopeless. All your attempts to end this will all be in vein as everyone you care for, everyone around you, will cry in agony as my people bathe in their beautiful crimson blood.”

The monster’s words brought chills down the boys’ spine. Akio regained his posture and drove his sword straight through the monsters’ heart. The draug screamed in pain. Suddenly, a green light festered from its’ mouth and when it faded, the draug fell to the ground, motionless and lifeless.

“Come on. Let’s keep moving.” The three continued moving as they made their way outside of the city. Time had gone by and the army of the undead slowly decreased in number.

---------------------

Meanwhile, on top of the hill, Nergal watched Akio, Keya, and Grimhilda battle against his forces, observing each and every move they made. He had caught the young boy’s spectacle earlier and took note of the familiarity of his power. Then he saw the sword Akio was wielding, causing his eyes to widen in fear.

He turned and walked away.

“Umm, sir?” the skeleton called.

Appearing in front of the knight was a tall shadowy door.

Nergal turned and said to the skeleton, “We’re done here. We must report to the Dark Lord. We must tell him…the messiah has returned.” Once he and the skeleton walked in, the door engulfed them and disappeared into thin air.


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65 Reviews


Points: 11426
Reviews: 65

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Sat Apr 15, 2017 6:23 pm
occymay wrote a review...



Hello again!

If you'd like you can tag me when you post these so they don't spend so long in the green room and you can have a consistent reviewer. I like this story so I would be happy to review any new chapters :)

Positives-
I liked the end section with the mystery of what the statement of "The messiah has returned" could mean to the story. Also, the tone of the last section was good and you should try to replicate this in the rest of the chapter (See improvements). I like how you also gave us a small insight into what powers Akio might have. This helps to add excitement to what we might see later on. I liked the character development in this chapter though I don't know if they were placed in the right sections to best appreciate them. I would probably take those ideas and put them into a new chapter as the aftermath of the fight. For example, the part where Keya questions Hilda for saving here this could be after the fight instead. This is just a suggestion so you don't have to do it, I just think it would make it more realistic.

Improvements-
The first thing I picked up was this line, "“What do you want?!” Nergal seethed in annoyance." I don't think you need "in annoyance" after "seethed" because the speech verb used shows the reader what they need to know. I think this chapter is very casual when it comes to the tone of voice of the narrator. Because it's mostly the point of view of the antagonist side or the fighting, it needs to have a lot more tension. That can be done by changing words and word order, as well as the dreaded concept of show, don't tell. I don't think there should be so much talking in this chapter because it takes away from the fighting. Also, how big are the draugs because when you first describe them, I thought they were very big but Akio somehow managed to behead him. I think that section is a bit unrealistic because in one of the previous chapters he was struggling with a boar and now, after no time, he easily lops off a monster's head. I personally feel there should be more development and more struggle between Akio and the draugs. It will help create tension in this chapter.

I think that this chapter needs some heavy editing but I know, and seen reading your other chapters, that this could be an amazing chapter. I struggle with fighting scenes as all, they are one of the most difficult styles to write in so don't feel downhearted by the criticism. I would suggest reading up on how to do fighting scene online because that should be really helpful ^_^




kman134 says...


before posting chapter eight, i accidentally erased it and had to rewrite the whole thing. so, it was hard to recall what i wrote before.



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Sun Mar 26, 2017 12:57 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

Okay, I've got several comments for you tonight, and the first one has to do with viewpoint.

Some people might tell you that it's no good to switch from the knight to the guards to the three kids in the town. At first, however, I thought you were making it work. It was more like a third person omniscient viewpoint than the viewpoint of any single character, and your transitions between them were seamless.

They charged with a bellowing roar, striking their bodies against the hard wood and hearing the crackling sounds that emanated from the blows.

Behind the gate, there were four wooden pillars restraining the door as three of the guards tried their best to keep from falling apart.


Afterwards, the dead proceeded to breaking into every house in Strongfair, storming in and dragging every denizen out as they screamed in terror.

In another part of the city, Keya, Grimhilda, and Akio stared in horror. Keya covered her mouth with her hands, choking her gasps while tears fell from her eyes. Akio stuttered; his hands shook as they clenched, trying to maintain some tranquility.


This particularly worked when the characters in question were nameless, like the three guards.

But then we got to this bit.

Akio flashed a smug grin, feeling a sense of pride at how his friends sided with him. Unfortunately, he thought differently: I should’ve thought of a better plan than recklessly and stupidly go out and letting us all fight! I mean this is the undead we’re talking about! With all the manga I’ve read and games I’ve played, they’ll just put themselves back together and we’ll be back in the same boat if we’re not careful! He started sweating bullets as he nervously quivered, but was still able to hold up his façade without the girls noticing.


This is when it fell apart for me, because now we're clearly in Akio's viewpoint. If you'd like to switch around like this - to show the knight and his skeleton army and their actions but also to be in Akio's POV - you might want to consider breaking the chapter up into separate scenes. So like the scene in omniscient third-person (with the knight and the guards) would end here.

Afterwards, the dead proceeded to breaking into every house in Strongfair, storming in and dragging every denizen out as they screamed in terror.


And then you could start the next scene here.

In another part of the city, Keya, Grimhilda, and Akio stared in horror. Keya covered her mouth with her hands, choking her gasps while tears fell from her eyes. Akio stuttered; his hands shook as they clenched, trying to maintain some tranquility.


Okay, next thing. Some of the dialogue got a little awkward because the characters were stating things that they would clearly already know or giving unnecessary information, etc. Some examples:

He ordered, “Send in the draugs! There massive size and brutish nature will make it easier to eradicate such an annoying obstacle!”


“Keep hold of it, men! If these pillars fall, then all is lost! We cannot let the Dark Lord’s force break through!” said the first guard. He was wearing gray cape, signifying a high rank.

“I can’t believe the Dark Lord actually exists! I thought he was just a myth!” the second soldier remarked.

“Stay focus! We can’t let any more of the undead come in! Already sent word to the Coalition! We need to keep hold before reinforcements arrive!”

“Captain! The gate is about to give in! It can’t handle this much pressure anymore!” the third guard alerted the first guard, the captain.


The best thing to do for this is have readers tell you where dialogue feels stilted or unnatural, or try reading the dialogue out loud. Think about what real people might say in this situation - would the knight feel a need to explain his reasons for calling in the draugs? Would the guards just now be discussing the fact they'd always thought the Dark Lord was a myth? Probably not. Clean these lines up by cutting the extraneous information and see how the rest of it sounds when you're done.

He ordered, “Send in the draugs!”


“Keep hold of it, men! If these pillars fall, then all is lost!” said the first guard. He was wearing gray cape, signifying a high rank. “We need to keep hold before reinforcements arrive!”

“Captain! The gate is about to give in!” the third guard alerted the first guard, the captain.


Two last tiny bits.

1) The skeleton toward the beginning being afraid of his Dark Lord master was kind of odd to me. Like, an undead skeleton is already undead, so, like, what is anyone really going to be able to do to him at this point? Also, isn't the whole point of having an undead army the fact that they won't be afraid of anyone they come up against?

2) Grimhilda's swearwords. I liked her dialogue in general, her personality came across very strongly, but the swearwords sounded kind of too modern and didn't fit the feeling of the rest of the chapter.





Poems were like people. Some people you got right off the bat. Some people you just don't get - and never would get.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe