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Young Writers Society


Language Violence

Ashura: A World of Swords and Magic Chapter 13

by kman134


It was the middle of the night. The halls were quiet and the catacombs were nearly dark with only the dim lamplights giving off illumination. Leni strolled down the hallway and tried to find her way to her room where Grimhilda was staying in. Being a Halfling, she was not used to underground travel as her people usually stayed above ground and around rural areas. Grimhilda, however, was a puzzle for her because she was amazed how easy the dwarf girl found her way.

“Living in mines and caves, I guess catacombs are easy for the dwarfs,” she remarked to herself.

Suddenly, something caught her eye. At the end of the hallway, there was a glow coming from behind a well-decorated door. She crept over as quiet as possible and looked through the opening.

This is the councilors’ meeting room. Why are the lights on this late in the evening? She started hearing noises and saw all twelve of the councilors gathering around a circular table.

“Well, my friends. Everything is coming together as according to plan. The Messiah has completed two of the tests and now the…third one will commence,” said Councilor Kar wicked smile.

“Indeed, Kar. Little does that introverted brat knows that the test is just a ruse,” confessed the councilor next to Kar. “The messiah has always been a hero of all, but once he dons the armor we prepared for him, he will obey our every command and only ours.”

The councilors chuckled in unison. It was like listening to a pack of hyenas while they gathered around their prey.

Grabbing a goblet and drinking the wine from it, Councilor Almas sneered while bearing her teeth. “What about the elf or the dwarf? What shall we do with those sub-humans?”

“We’ll find some use for those two. I can think of a number of uses for the elf girl, though.” Kar licked his lips of the thought and he wasn’t the only one. Some of them had the same idea, as well.

Leni cupped her mouth and trembled. She slowly backed away and quietly sprinted, making sure she didn’t make any noise to alert them of her presence. She tiptoed and found her way to her room.

“Hey. What the hell took you so long, Leni? It’s almost late and we need to get up pretty early tomorrow.” Grimhilda lay on her bed and looked to her roommate after she entered the room while she turned her attention away from the book in her hand.

Sweat dripped from the Halfling girl’s head. She didn’t want to tell Grimhilda what she found out to avoid starting trouble. Not yet, that is.

She lied and said, “Oh, it was nothing! I just got lost and it took me awhile to find the way!” It was half-true though.

Then Leni proceeded to her bed and got under the covers. She turned to the side and stated, “Well, I be going to bed, now! Goodnight, Hilda!”

She turned off her kerosene lamp and closed her eyes, oblivious to the baffled dwarf girl who stared with an arched brow. However, Grimhilda shrugged and returned to her book: It’s not my Fault I’m a Dwarf Girl in Love. Then a thought came to her head. Putting the book down on the nightstand, she turned around and sat at the edge of her bed.

Grimhilda looked at the supposedly sleeping Leni and fidgeted her fingers. She was never good at opening up to people, but after watching Leni kill those wolves she had developed some respect for her, and for Keya to an extent.

“Why are you working for the Human Coalition? Aren’t Halflings supposed to be working in the fields and lay around, and stuff?” Grimhilda pointed out with a blank expression.

Leni broke from her façade and flashed an irked glare. She lurched up and crossed her arms by her bedside. “For your information, not all Halflings are like that. The assumption that all Halflings are farmers is just a narrow-minded stereotype formed by accounts made by idiots.”

Grimhilda shifted uncomfortable under her blankets with raised eyebrows and a large droplet of sweat forming on her temple. She really hit the nail on that one. She waved her hand and then corrected herself. “What I mean is. I always thought you were all pacifists. I have never seen a Halfling fight like you did or being so skilled in tracking us.”

Leni scratched her head and looked away. She sighed, “I don’t want to talk about. It’s a long story and I just don’t feel comfortable about it.”

Grimhilda shrugged her shoulders and smirked. Waving her hand, she remarked, “I don’t mean to upset. I was just curious, that’s all.” The dwarf girl put her book back into her rucksack, turned off the lamp on her nightstand, and crawled into her bed covers.

The Halfling girl did the same and closed her eyes. Unfortunately, throughout the entire night, her dreams were plagued with the thoughts of the Council’s skullduggery, hearing their words echoing in her mind. She even saw scenes of Akio under their control and not only slaying the Dark Lord and his forces, but also watching him lead the army of the Human Coalition across the continent of Gaia in a war of dominance. The screaming sounds of pain and despair filled the air while Leni smelled the scent of blood and burning flesh that filled the air. By the time morning came, Leni didn’t receive a wink of sleep as bags formed under her eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting with her friends, Leni told them everything and their response was a mixture of both betrayal and horror with their mouths nearly dropping to their food and their eyebrows rose.

“You can’t be serious?” Grimhilda said in disbelief.

“So, their true goal was to use me for some hegemonistic ulterior motive? That’s what these tests were really about?” there was rage in Akio’s eyes. He had never felt so betrayed and used, it was almost sickening.

“I can’t believe they would do this,” Keya murmured while she clutched her staff tightly.

Leni’s face remained low while she grimaced. She replied, “Yes, it’s true. That was their plan all along and the only way to avoid it is to escape from the Citadel. I know of a secret passage that will lead…”

“Wait! Why should we believe everything you’re saying?!” Grimhilda pointed her finger at the Halfling girl as she accused. Fury filled the dwarf girl’s eyes as her nostrils flared, causing Leni to seep back into her chair in fright. “You told us the Council’s plan, yet you have been working for that group for gods knows how long, and we should just listen to you?!”

“Grimhilda would you keep your voice down!” Akio scolded in a whispering tone. He reached and covered the dwarf girl’s mouth while he looked around to make sure no one heard them.

“It’s not Leni’s fault that we got duped! We were all puppets in their little game!”

Keya turned to the human boy sullenly and narrowed her brows. She grimaced, “What are we supposed to do, Akio? If we keep playing their game, then we’ll just be giving them what they want.”

“I don’t know, Keya. I really don’t know.” Akio responded sullenly while he let out a deep sigh.

Suddenly, Keya raised her hand and spoke up. She leaned in and proclaimed, “I know a way we can all avoid going through with their agenda.”

They all leaned in and listen. Keya made sure to be as quiet as possible while she whispered into their ears. She even paused and looked around, being very careful to not let any outside party eavesdrop on their plan.

“Okay, here’s what we will do…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Akio and his friends walked into the summoning room without the need of an escort. Their expressions were blank as they stood within the circle. However, the one thing they noticed that was different was a full-body suit of armor made of an unknown metal that resembled iron or silver.

“Welcome, messiah! We are so glad you could be with us at this precious moment,” greeted Councilor Kar. The grin on his face stretched almost to the point of touch his earlobes while he stretched his arms like a preacher.

Shrugging his shoulders, Akio grinned as he looked up. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” He seemed to be excited. However, deep inside, all Akio could only feel contempt brewing in his system. Yeah, that’s right. Keep smiling, you lying piece of shit.

Clasping his hands, the councilor gestured a hand down to the armor. “Today will be your final test. The armor you see before you is the Gordian Armor that once belonged to the previous messiah. Like the oracle and the sword, it will determine whether you are worthy, and once it has synchronized with your mana, the armor will grant you immeasurable power that you would become a god among men.”

Grimhilda couldn’t help but scoff, but then quickly hid her response with a cough. She cringed while rubbing her throat. “Sorry. I’m coming down with a cold.”

The councilor arched a brow while his smile faded a little as he looked at the dwarf girl.

“Now, let us proceed with the test, shall we?”

Akio’s smile grew while his eyebrows narrowed.

“Yes. Lets. Keya, now!” he ordered.

In a flash, Keya cast a lightning spell, aimed her staff, and shot a bolt strait at the suit as it exploded into pieces. This action shocked all twelve of the councilmen as each of their jaws nearly dropped to the ground.

Councilor Kar growled. He stared daggers directly at Akio and his party while receiving the same glare from them as well.

“What the hell have you done?!”

“We know the truth, councilor! We know that the armor was a fake and was created to control me once I put it on, using my messiah title to amplify your influence over the entire continent!”

“Yeah, we even know about what you sick perverts plan on doing to us afterwards!” Grimhilda cringed and shivered in disgust while she rubbed her arms.

Although it wasn’t like her, Keya couldn’t help but comfort the dwarf girl by gingerly patting her on the back. Grimhilda cheeks turned a little red and tried swatting her hand away.

Stepping forward, Akio horizontally swung his arm in emphasis. He drew his sword and pointed it at the council. “No more! Did you really think you could get away with something so unscrupulous and underhanded?! If you really want to force us into submission and do your bidding, then come down here and make us!” a hint of venom seethed in the boy’s tone, his eyes narrowed with flames of fury festering in his pupil

This struck a chord with the council. All twelve of them leaped off their balcony and landed right in front of the party. They each formed a battle stance as Kar sauntered over to Akio. In his cloak, he drew out an ivory wand while it glowed blue.

He raised it and roared. “If that is what you wish, then so be it!”


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Tue Jan 23, 2018 4:54 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

It's been a while and I'm not sure I quite remember what was going on in the story prior to this chapter when last I read, but here I am nonetheless.

First of all, I wanted to say that from what I remember of the story, you seem to have made a lot of improvement in this chapter. For one thing, you posted a shorter installment, which makes it easier for reviewers. But you also did a better job with pacing, especially with the dialogue - it didn't feel like a volley of dialogue back and forth. You added more description, like the opening paragraph, where you really let readers understand how Leni was feeling walking through the catacombs. The writing felt cleaner to me overall, so well done there.

I think you could still work more on pacing - it was definitely better in this chapter than in previous chapters, but consider everything that happens here.

- Leni overhears the Councillors plotting
- Leni and Grimhilda sharing a bonding moment

Speaking of Grimhilda, I love the title of the book she was reading, It’s not my Fault I’m a Dwarf Girl in Love. It was really funny.

- Leni telling the others about the Councillors' evil intentions
- Grimhilda deciding they can't trust Leni
- our heroes coming up with an unknown plan
- our heroes putting said plan into effect

And yet all of this takes place in such a short space of time! I particularly felt like Grimhilda's feelings toward Leni were off - one moment she's admiring Leni and wanting to open up to her, but the next moment she's screaming that Leni has been working for the Councillors all along. I think you could have that, but if so I'd probably want to see more of Grimhilda's feelings in that second moment, where maybe she gets angry because she had just decided to open up to Leni a bit but now she's thinking Leni could be playing them after all.

On that note, I'm not sure I follow her logic. Like if Leni was working for the Council, why would she tell them the Councillors' evil plan?

Finally, it felt really convenient that Leni happened to overhear the Councillors' conversation. I don't think it's so much that she heard it as that it was really specifically evil. You've got the Councillors talking about using one of our heroes and committing unspeakable acts against the others and laughing like hyenas.

Write on!
BlueAfrica




kman134 says...


the reason for lent working for the council is coming up in the epilogue. however, just because she's working for them, doesn't mean she likes them as in chapter 3, when Leni was about to follow Akio, the councillors racially insult her behind her back, calling her a gluttonous pack mule whose only skills are hunting, ranging, and farming but she puts up with it for personal reasons.



BluesClues says...


The councillors sound like a bunch of bigoted jerks!



kman134 says...


It's not just them. some human kingdoms are the same when it comes to non-human races due to past relations.



kman134 says...


Halflings, on the other hand, have it worse but that will be explained later.



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Sat Jan 13, 2018 5:38 am
Fabellaura wrote a review...



This is my first time reviewing so hang in there with me! Marvelous writing :) I got a feeling for who Leni is as well as the other characters despite not having read the first few chapters. What’s more is that I could feel the stakes rise and my curiosity pull me a bit further after every sentence. There are some nit-picky grammar issues I found, but every story has them.

"she was not use to underground travel"
The “use” in the sentence should be past tense. she was not used to underground travel”

"where Grimhilda was staying in. being a Halfling,"
“being” is capitalized.

"That was a little bit of the truth though."
“little bit” is slightly redundant. One alone would be fine or even changing it to a simple It was half true might make it a less wordy.

"but after watching Leni kill those wolves she’s developed some"
Throughout most of your story you use past tense so “she’s” would change to “she had”

"Grimhilda lurched back with raised eyebrows"
I rather like the word lurch, though it had been recently used in the paragraph before it to describe Leni. I get the feeling she felt guilty for making her remark yet also doesn’t reveal her emotions easily. Instead of lurching backwards maybe she’d have more control over her movements. Grimhilda shifted uncomfortably under the blankets This is just one idea, there are a lot of possibilities :)

"I always thought you were’ all pacifists"
There doesn’t need to be an apostrophe on “were’ “

"Akio seethed while his eyes narrowed."
Starting around here, there are few instances where one person does an action while doing something else. You’ve probably heard this phrase before- show, don’t tell. Instead of telling us Akio seethed show us that defiance and rage shone in his eyes.

"He reached and covered the dwarf girls’ mouth"
The apostrophe in “dwarf girls’ “ should actually be placed before the s and after the l. “Dwarf girl’s”

"They’ all leaned in and listen."
The apostrophe here shouldn’t be used

"Suddenly, Leni raised her hand and spoke up."
From what I understood it was Keya’s, not Leni’s idea. In the next scene it’s Keya who initiates the plan

"made out of an unknown metal"
Unless you’re going for a word count the word, “out” isn’t needed.

“I wouldn’t miss this for the whole world.”
As well as the word “whole”.

"Grimhilda found it a little embarrassing as evident by how her cheeks turned a little red."
Another instance of show not tell! Instead of telling us she was embarrassed show us how her face heated up and her cheeks turned a fiery red.

“Yes. Lets. Kaya, now!” he ordered.
Ahh, in the last few scenes it was spelled “Keya”

"In a flash, Kaya quickly cast a lightning spell,"
Another redundancy. Probably don’t need the “quickly” here

"Did you really think you could get away with something so unscrupulous and underhanded?!"
The word “unscrupulous” is an absolute fantastic word, though I’m not sure it’s the first word people go for to describe an immoral person. Of course, I haven’t quite read the rest of your chapters so if Akio is the well-educated, intelligent type, that word can bring out his personality in which case you’d keep it. You could even poke fun at it later on by having someone comment on his word choice.

"a hint of venom seethed in the boys’ tone while his eyes narrowed with flames of fury festering in his pupils."
The apostrophe here should also be placed behind the s “boy’s”. Here is another instance of the action while another action. You could probably replace the “while” with a period.

If there is one piece of advice I could give would be to show, not tell. Your story would be that much more amazing, mind-blowing, astounding with a little more description. Overall, the story’s plot and character development can go in many different directions and I hope you have fun exploring them all! Good luck :)




kman134 says...


Thanks for the review. I have trouble with the show not tell when writing stories.




People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
— Love