16+ Language Violence

Ashura: A World of Sword and Magic Chapter 4

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Keya and I walked for nearly an hour. By that time, we were already 4 miles away from Kor. So, we stopped to take a break."How much longer until we reach the goblin campsite?" I questioned, trying to catch my breath as I stood next to the elf mage.

"How much longer until we reach the goblin campsite?" I questioned, trying to catch my breath as I stood next to the elf mage.

Keya checked at her status mark, looking up the map section and read our location. She turned and assured positively, "Don't worry, Akio! It'll only take us another 2 miles, east, and we'll be at our destination in no time!"

That was good to hear. I wasn't much of a runner in high school and avoided track as possible, and another moment of walking my legs would've given up. Turning east, Keya and I strolled through the woods. We passed trees of different shapes and color. Suddenly, we stopped and hid behind some shrubberies.

“What’s that sound?” Keya asked.

We heard commotions coming from about 15 feet away from where we were. There were two goblin guards out on patrol.

They were about 4'10 in height, having green skin, long floppy ears, and short bulbous noses, wearing only a leather cervelliere helmet, a loincloth, and a stomach plate.

I opened up my status bar and scanned the two. They were surprisingly low level, being around 2 to 3 in level. I closed the bar and sighed.

Gripping the handle of my sword, I tried to rid myself of the internal guilt inflicting me. Forgive me! Those were the only words I thought for what I was a bout to do.

Looking at Keya, I raised my hand to extend three fingers to her face. I counted down. Three! Two! One! When we were at zero, we charged and attack. However, the goblins weren't as easy as I thought.

Pulling out their short swords, the goblins retaliated. The first one struck a low blow to the legs. I jumped and slashed down. However, the goblin deflected my attack with his sword.

"God! These things are tougher than they look!" I said to myself in frustration.

Keya wasn't doing so hot either. In fact, she started sprinting backwards whenever her opponent fought back. Then when she got to a good distance, about 5 feet, she points her staff and chants: Now, o' spirit of fire. Ignite thine heart and strike ye who transpire! Out of the tip of her staff, a blaze of fire appeared and struck the goblin, incinerating him but only to a minimum. I guess she needed a wider range to use her magic.

I snapped back to my opponent who was still slashing his blade at my direction. I blocked and deflected as fast as I could, trying to find the opportunity to return the blow. I found the moment and parried through the goblin's shoulder, watching the creature wreath in pain as blood spattered from the wound. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the creature. Nevertheless, I had a job to do and shouldn't let empathy get in the way. With one final blow, I pierced the Blade of Hope straight through his skull, killing the goblin while he was distracted. After a moment of grievances, I went over to Keya to help.

"Hang on! I'm coming!"

I dashed over hitherto but slowed down. My jaw immediately dropped to the ground, seeing that Keya had already defeated the goblin soldier.

Turning and smiling, she stated, "That's okay, Akio. I've already taken care of it. I used my fire spell, one more time, and I managed to kill the poor thing." Her response after killing someone was a little scary, especially with that grin.

I looked down, seeing the charred remains of her opponent. What came after that surprised me even more. Kneeling down, Keya began searching through the dead goblin's body, taking out a knife and cut off its' fingers, one-by-one.

I was horrified by what she was doing. I questioned in disgust, "W-what the hell are y-you doing?!"

Her smile faded into a blank. She gasped and stated, "That's right! I forgot to tell you that goblin fingernails are worth a lot in the market! Blacksmiths use them to strengthen the density of the weapons and armor they craft. However, while it's strong, it can't compete to the strength and magical potency of dragon scales and demon horns." I didn't want to ask how she knew all of that.

After stuffing the fingers into her pocket, Keya and I proceeded to the campsite. Since we had killed two of their scouts, the possibility of them sending in a search party for their missing comrades was highly likely.

Dashing even further, we found the campsite near a riverbed. There was about twenty goblins, lurking around and sharping their weapons. It looked like they were preparing for battle, probably to assault Kor. Where ever the Wild Bunch Guild got their information, they intend for us adventurers to wipe them out before they could execute their plan.

Without a second to lose, Keya and I charged. Swinging my blade, I had killed four goblins before they had a chance to retaliate. Keya summoned [Lightning] at the riverbed, electrocuting the three goblins near the lake. I tried to summon [Rage] in an attempt to end it once and for all. Unfortunately, nothing happened. There wasn't anything to make me mad.

Then I heard a scream. "Kyaa!" I snapped my head and saw one of the goblins tackling Keya to the ground, pinning her down and was about to drive a dagger right into her heart. That's when it happened. Eyes turning red, I roared furiously as I burst of energy flow out of my body. I dashed with such tremendous speed and struck a hard blow to the goblin, sending the pieces of his body flying all over. The remaining goblins trembled and started backing away. At that moment, I barely control of my body.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?!" That wasn't me talking. That was the rage.

I didn't show any mercy. Wherever I went, I killed any goblin in front of me. Some tried to fight back, but it was futile. By the time I had finished, the campsite was completely desolated. The rage had worn off and I just stood in the middle of the campsite. My clothes were drenched in purple blood. There were bodies of goblins everywhere, all mangled or mutilated in the most horrendous way possible. I was stunned. I couldn't believe I was responsible for so much death.

"Akio!"

Keya ran towards me while waving her hand frantically. When she stopped she just stared at me with a terrified gaze.

I reached out with a grimaced expression, saying in a low voice, "Keya…I couldn't control it! I didn't mean for this to happen!"

Keya didn't back away, no matter how shocked she was. Instead, she sprinted and wrapped her arms around me. She didn't even seem to care that the blood on my coat was soaking into her dress.

"I understand, Akio. It's not your fault. You're still a low-level warrior, so it's hard to maintain control of your [Rage]," she remarked affectionately. She felt so warm and loving that all my grief melted away. She gave me the most sympathetic grin and added, "We'll just have to keep working hard until you're able to master it."

I smiled and simply nodded my head in response. After that ordeal was over, Keya and I started scavenging all that remained of the campsite. I walked all over until I stepped on something…peculiar. My eyes widened in horror from what I found.

Keya wandered over, asking cheerfully, "So, Akio, did you find anything interesting?"

I was crouching down with something in my head. I looked over my shoulder at the elf girl, taking a deep breath before standing up.

I said to her puzzlingly, "Tell me, Keya. That poster said the goblins were preparing for an 'invasion,' right?"

"Y-yes, that's what it said," she confirmed, nervously nodding while a droplet of sweat formed on her temple.

I threw something at Keya and watched her catch it. "Then tell me. If this really was a military camp, then who in there right mind would bring their children to an invasion?!" my expression fell grim while my tone of voice became somber. Looking into her hands, Keya saw that what I handed her was a doll made of straw. I learned, on that day, that it wasn't a military camp, but a settlement…and that I had committed murder.

Comments & reviews · 3
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occymay
Review
occymay wrote a review · Sun Jan 29, 2017 7:57 pm

Hello!

So I haven't read anything else but the prologue so I understand a little bit but not that much. This review will be mostly about the writing style and the plot and characterisation in this chapter.

Positive-
I liked your ending it created a lot of mystery but in an unusual. This is because the reader will want to continue reading to find out what might happen as a result but you don't leave them hanging. I also enjoyed the tension you created beforehand, it just lifts the piece and makes the truth more shocking. I enjoyed the concept of this story, it was very different from what I read in the prologue but it's giving me a sword art online vibe with the combat system. It said about anime in the description and I'm definitely getting that, I love anime so for me that is a plus and it is something that anyone can enjoy.

Improvements-
I noticed that you do a lot of telling and not showing. This is something I do as well but I will try to explain it the best I can.

For example:

"Suddenly, we stopped and hid behind some shrubberies. We heard commotions coming from about 15 feet away from where we were. There were two goblin guards out on patrol."

To make this slightly better you should start by the character hearing the noise (it helps to create tension) rather than telling us they hear something. Then try to show the goblins moving about, how do they walk, look, sound. If you still don't get what I mean try typing show and not tell writing into youtube or google. This can really help your writing. I also notice moments where the dialogue didn't seem very realistic. I would suggest reading your dialogue aloud and considering whether or not it needs improving. If you find yourself struggling, try researching how to create successful dialogue.

Overall, really great piece and I will try to read the other chapter when I get the chance. Keep writing :)

User avatar
Dest
Comment

Keya and I walked for nearly an hour. By that time, we were already 4 miles away from Kor. We stopped to take a break.

“How much longer are we to the goblin campsite?” I questioned, trying to catch my breath as I stood next to the princess.

Suggestions: "By that time, we were already 4 miles away from Kor, so we took a break.

"How much longer until (we reach) goblin campsite?"

In fact, she started sprinting back whenever her opponent fought back.


She sprints backward?

Whoa! This is a bunch of carnage! The ending was great because I'm just as aghast as Akio.

User avatar
Dracula
Review

Hey there, kman134, and Happy Review Day!

Keya and I walked for nearly an hour. By that time, we were already 4 miles away from Kor. We stopped to take a break.
This was a goo way to begin the chapter. It tells me what's been happening- that they're on some sort of journey. It also tells me what this chapter is going to be focussed on- the rest of their travels.

Walking were two goblin guards out on patrol.
Walking isn't necessary, since you say that they were on patrol. You could reword it to 'there were'.

They were about 4’10 in height, having green skin, long floppy ears, and short bulbous noses, wearing only, a leather cervelliere helmet, a loincloth, and a stomach plate.
You don't need that comma after only.

I dashed with such tremendous speed and struck a hard blow to the goblin, sending the pieces of his body flying all over.
Your action writing is pretty good, I could imagine it all clearly. I especially like your use of brackets to add to the gaming feel of the world.

At that moment, I barely control of my body.
I barely *had control, I think you mean.

I learned, on that day, that it wasn’t a military camp, but a settlement…and that I had committed murder.
Wow! Talk about plot twists. I can imagine how deep into the earth your character's heart must have dropped upon discovering that. Great cliffhanger to end the chapter on. Make sure these actions play a big part in developing his character, and make sure his emotions come across nice and clear. Good job so far!

when you write, you forget to look over. thanks!



If you steal property, you must report its fair market value...
— John Oliver