Ashura: A World of Sword and Magic Chapter 1

This is Nikayla here dropping by for a review, as promised!

You ever had those days where you feel like you’re in a dream, but you’re wide-awake? A dream where your imagination takes you to a world of fantasy and make-believe, escaping the cruel problems of the real world? Well, the tale I’m about to tell you is something like that, except that it isn’t a dream. 


I'm unsure of what that symbol is at the end of this paragraph. Does it actually mean something, or is it just there? I'm not much of a fan of this introduction. Doesn't need to be in italics either. This breaks the fourth wall already in the first paragraph which is a little disappointing since openings where the narrator, in the first person perspective, is talking to the reader is overdone. This doesn't do anything different there, and it's not all that captivating since the reader's probably already seen this done before. Dream-sequence openings or even opening paragraphs that mention dreams are often difficult to be well-executed, often falling into the usual stereotype.

I woke up to find myself in a mysterious forest.

Speaking of stereotypes, let's delve right into the 'main character wakes up in a mysterious forest not knowing anything about where they are' trope. We'll have to see where this goes. Going to bet that this is a portal fantasy where the main character is previously in the real world and wakes up to a new world that is filled with fantasy.

Wait…this isn’t my bedroom! I was confused and shocked, scanning my newfound environment in a panicked manner.

I was lying on my back against a fallen tree. Without hesitation, I stood up and started walking east, or at least what I thought was east. I wandered in hopes of finding any sign of civilization. Unfortunately, all there was were more trees. I walked for almost an hour and I was starting to get scared. My breath became heavy as beads started falling from my brow. I was afraid I would be lost and that nobody might find me. Hell, I was even scared how much of a burden my disappearance would be to my parents. Suddenly, my distraught was nearly over. Up ahead was an opening, shining much more of the sun’s light in my direction.

I wanted to point out the over-usage of the word 'was'. This is used nine times just in these two paragraphs. I suggest attempting to cut down on the use of the word. Sometimes, you'll have to use the word and that's okay, because there are appropriate times for this. Not all of these times are appropriate here. Rework these two paragraphs so that it's only used once or twice. You'll find they'll be stronger afterwards and a lot less repetitive to the reader. In short, find better alternatives that use more of the active voice rather than the passive voice.

Instead of saying 'I was lying on my back against a fallen tree', say 'I found myself laid on my back against a fallen tree' or something similar. Another example is the last sentence of the second paragraph. Instead of 'Up ahead was an opening, shining much more of the sun's light in my direction', say 'The sun shined through an opening up ahead' or something like that. While these may not be the strongest examples, the point is to get rid of 'was' and spice these paragraphs up with more powerful verbs.

So, I dashed towards it and when I made it, I saw that it led outside of the forest and right in front of me was a pasture with a single road made of cobblestone over small hills like something out of Sound of Music.

First of all, the 'so' isn't needed there. Second of all, you use 'it' three times in that single sentence, which drags on for too long in itself. Third of all, Sound of Music should be The Sound of Music, though that's a minor mistake of the name of the musical.

“Kya!”

I heard a scream close by. I turned my attention to the origin and saw a young girl being surrounded by five men. I couldn’t believe something that that was happening before me. Usually, you would see something like that out of a shounen manga. Hell! They even had swords also!

They looked like they were about to hurt the girl. One of them even held a sword up to the girl's throat. I knew I shouldn’t mind my own business, especially when I didn’t know where the hell I was, but I just couldn’t stand by and let it happen.

I had to go and try to stop them. However, I didn’t have a weapon to begin with. I looked around and see if I could use anything. Luckily, I found what I needed. Reaching my hand up, I grabbed onto a dead branch that was still attached to the tree beside me. I yanked it with all my might as I heard cracking from the wood stems. With one last pull, I ripped it off of the tree’s trunk, but tumbled down the hill and landing right in front of them.

Quite the reference to Shounen manga, especially since that seems to be the origin of where you're pulling these tropes from. Your character also seems to be a fan of the H-word when it's unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the story. The last sentence of the first paragraph here is awkward. Change it. Take 'had' out and replace this with a verb. What I dislike most so far is that the character is actually telling us what's going on. What I mean by this is that there hasn't actually been a solid scene that's played out so far. Ever heard of the tip 'Show don't tell'? Telling is a flaw that can easily slip through in the first person point of view. Right now, I still haven't been hooked into the story. There's no tone or sense of tension with how the main character is displaying this. Seems a little irrational for a character to delve straight into saving someone they don't even know, especially without an actual weapon against five men with swords, probably more trained in fighting than him.

I replied justly with a stern glare, “You tell me?! I don’t know what I’m doing here or how I got here, but what I do know is that you ganging up a defenseless girl is wrong, and I’m here to put an end to it!”

I groaned at this because this is something to come out of the mouth of the main character from a Shounen anime or manga. I'm usually not so quick to judge about a story though this seems to just be following the regular stereotypes, and I'm one who can enjoy particular Shounen. I have yet to be proven wrong about this, though the characters are cardboard cut-outs thus far and haven't shown any real characterization.

That’s what came to mind when I noticed her ears. That’s when it all started coming back to me. How I got here, that is.

It was around Sunday, on November 26, 2016. I was in my room, surfing around the Internet, mostly looking up…ahem…”exciting” sites when suddenly a pop-up appeared. “What the hell is this?” I muttered to myself.

In the beginning, I thought it was just spyware…until I read the whole damn thing.“Ashura: A World of Swords and Magic! Venture into a world of fantasy as you, the hero, travel through distant lands, boost levels and obtain treasures, form parties, and save the world of Ashura from the forces of evil and chaos!”

I didn’t think about it much and just assumed it was an ad for a cheesy, cheap-design MMORPG game. it was a perfect way to pass the time. So, with a shrug, I clicked on the download icon but then…my computer crashed, or so I thought. Suddenly, a flash of light appeared out of my screen. I scream in agony. I felt like something was dragging me in. that’s how I wound up in the middle of nowhere, now fighting strangers to rescue an elf girl!

Huh, so this is a rip-off of Sword Art Online or some other manga/anime that includes the main character becoming trapped in an MMORPG. I should have known by now. Actually, I suspected this might be something similar. Hopefully there's some sort of redeeming qualities about this first chapter, though I'm beginning to doubt that. I also wanted to mention that the amount of exclamation marks used is excessive. Instead of using so many, try and show the emotion of your main character through words.

I'm also unsure of why you've added in so many '?!' combinations to the end of your dialogue, because it doesn't do anything and is very rarely made effective. This is not one of those cases where it's used to enhance the tension between these characters. Nice timing for a flashback, by the way. I'm glad the main character suddenly remembered how he got himself into this mess. Convenient timing for a Deus Ex Machina sort of flashback to appear.

Back at the present, I snapped out of my trip down memory lane. I was completely frozen, unable to move while I tried to process all of the information. Unfortunately, right at that moment, one of the men charged at me, swinging his sword horizontally in my direction. I ducked and swung upward, striking him right below the chin. The man went flying three feet before landing on the ground. Everyone gasped in surprise.

“You little shit! You’ll pay for hurting one of my men!” said one of the thieves in anger.

They all charged in at once, swinging their daggers and swords at me. I was able to retaliate. Clash! Bang! I swung the branch in my hand as hard as I could while doing my best to not get hacked into pieces. Three of the men were down. Only one was left. However, he was nowhere to be seen.

A couple of minutes ago, this main character stumbled into five men with swords in a sorry attempt to attack them and now he's already taken down three of the men with superior weapons and apparently unsuperior fighting skills even though this is probably what they've been doing their whole lives? That's what I earn from this fight scene. He doesn't even seem to struggle with this task.

He's what, sixteen or seventeen like you mentioned the girl happened to be earlier? If so, that isn't how this fight scene would actually go. Wouldn't they have heard him snapping the dead branch off the tree too? Seems like he's the type of person to stay in his room, playing MMOs and reading manga or watching anime all day too. I don't imagine he's the most fit in physical strength.

The girl, who's already lived in this world and actually knows what's going on with a staff that apparently summons lightning has a better chance at beating all five men in a fight. A more realistic way for the fight to win might be your main character taking the first one out and then the girl who seems to be an amateur in magic though knows the world better taking the rest out. That's more of how the actual fight scene might go.

Real fights are dirty. Quick and brief, not usually lasting all that long when it's only a few people fighting. Give us more of that rather than this cartoonish sort of 'Pow! Zam! BAM!" way of writing the brawl. I'm not saying this has to be a serious and brooding dark fantasy either, I'm just in awe that the main character leaves the battle without a scratch on him.

This is another example of Deus Ex Machina, something I mentioned earlier on in the review. Taking a look at the article I linked about that might help get rid of this. In short, if you're not going read it, a Deus Ex Machina in a story is when there's something that comes out of nowhere to save the main characters. This is usually a magical item in fantasy stories or a piece of information that the characters didn't previously know--maybe a weakness to the antagonist or something similar. In the case of this story, your main character is first shown as clumsy though he conveniently learns how to fight without showing any previous abilities to.

With that being said, this brings me to a larger issue with this first chapter--the pacing. I agree with everyone else when they're telling you to slow down. This goes too fast for any real character development or worldbuilding to be set up in this chapter. The flashback earlier on gave us an info-dump about how he ended up in the game, though that's it. Nothing more than that. The main character doesn't seem worried at all that he's in a video game. He doesn't seem worried about getting out or how he got in there. While knowing that he's in the MMORPG, the main character also saves another girl because he can't stand there and watch. In an MMO. This is the least addressed part of the chapter. How does he feel about being in an MMO? Is he scared? Is he happy? We haven't seen this being brought up very much despite this being what brought him into the game.

At least in Sword Art Online (not a fan, for reference) or some other media that includes the main character being dropped into a video game, the time is actually taken to show the fear of the people now locked in this world in the first episode. People are scared and want out knowing they're trapped in the game. Why doesn't the MC feel this or show any kind of emotion towards this?

You're able to claim that he hasn't been able to have time for this to sink in, though that's where I can claim that slowing down the pacing and taking some time before the reader hits the scene where he runs into these five men with swords or taking some time after the fight for him to actually become worried. There are so many questions I have that are left unanswered when they should be the first aspect being addressed in a novel where the main character enters a fantasy world through a video game.

I turned and saw that it was the elf girl’s doing, holding up her staff with the tip glowing. She looked nervous, breathing heavily while she stammered.

“I-I did it!” she exclaimed.

“I managed to summon [Lightning]!”

She lowered the staff as she congratulated herself. She ran towards me with a concern expression.

She stopped and asked worriedly, “H-hey, are you…okay?!”

The elf girl sounded shy. Sweat dripping from her brow. I didn’t know how I could understand what she was saying, or how I could speak English so fluently. It was probably the reality of this world rewiring my brain to translate it’ all. However, that was only my hypothesis.

I smiled. I pointed out musingly, “I should be asking you that. Those thieves ganged up on you and I was worried they’d hurt you.”

This brings me to the next part where I realize that this is the female main character of the novel, and I can already tell she won't be well-executed for the rest of the chapter. Why is she not pointing that staff at him or wary of what he wants? Couldn't he be, to her, just another thief attempting to mug her or harm her? Why isn't she worried about this boy around her age that's magically appeared into this world. More questions I have are about that last line of dialogue he speaks. This is an MMO, correct?

Is this other girl from the real world (she speaks of being royalty, so I'm going to assume not or there's the slight chance she might be lying) an NPC? How does that work? Are the people in this world real? Has anyone else been in this world before? Not all of these questions have to be answered in the first chapter, though that's what is bugging most here. Why would he attempt to save her if he's in a video game knowing that it might cost him his own life and that he doesn't even know if she's real or not?

I understand that these questions are able to be answered later on, though I wanted to point out how fast-paced this is without him wondering about any of these. I also wanted to note that in this scene 'she' is quite overused and I suggest you either introduce her earlier on in the conversation or find an alternative. Switch it up so that it doesn't get as stale.

“My name is Keya Aieandora! What’s yours?” she greeted inquisitively.

“I’m Akio Yamazaki,” I replied.

She laughed.

I asked, “What’s so funny?”

She explained jocularly, “It’s your name! I’ve never heard of anyone with a name like that!” she didn’t mean to sound rude, but the way it came out was sort of irksome.

I couldn’t help but glare annoyingly at her. my face turned red as she got close.

she continued, "In fact, i've never seen someone with black hair and hazel eyes! traits like those are usually rare!" i tried my best not to stare at her bosom.

I suggest a grammar checker or having someone else proofread your work, because throughout this I've noticed an amount of errors throughout. In the last line of dialogue some words aren't capitalized when they need to be such as 'she' and 'i' though I'm not going to be pointing out any more unless they're in bulk. The second to last stanza also does this with the word 'my'. Moving on from that, we finally get to know the main character's name. Akio. I wish that this were earlier on in the chapter so I didn't have to call him 'he' or 'the main character' the whole time, though this I don't think can be helped.

I also wanted to note that you'd think he'd be thinking about more important issues than staring at Keya in that way. Nope! Akio is potentially trapped forever in a video game and this is what his mind drifts to? His mind even drifts over the fact that she points out his looks (This feels a little info-dumpy by the way, I suggest making this scene a bit more subtle. A way to do this is for Keya to ask where he's from or to tell him that he looks unfamiliar. This is a lot less blunt and gets the same point across.) and how his traits are unusual for this world. I'm going to assume that this is because all elves are blue-eyed and blonde. Or at least, Keya seems to be.

I wanted to point out a flaw in the scene where she's asking him where he's from. What clothes is she wearing? Surely she knows about the people of the other continents, at least a little bit. I can already see the lie that Akio is telling coming up later in the story where he eventually has to tell the truth. This'll be addressed later on by her either finding out that he's not from this world or him admitting that he isn't from this world.

She just gave me a sympathetic stare. Placing a hand on my shoulder, she confirmed smiling, “it’s okay. Maybe if you come with me on my quest, we’ll find a way to get your memories back.”

This part irks me. Keya is naive and too-trusting, falling into cliche so far. This just makes me want to scream at her that she doesn't know Akio at all and that he's potentially a threat to her. Sure, he saved her life once, though she knows practically nothing about him. This is the same with Akio trusting Keya almost immediately because there's not a possibility
she might be leading him into a trap or anything else of that sort. He thinks she's beautiful and that automatically means that his life isn't in any danger.

I questioned curiously, “What do you mean ‘quest’? Where are you going?”

“It’s…a long story,” she remarked dismissively. Brushing a strand of hair from her view, she demanded while running, “Come on! The next town isn’t far! We can find you some new clothes while getting something to eat!”

What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?

I would’ve been offended. However, Keya had a point. I mean, the way I was dressed…Ultraman t-shirt, sweatpants, socks, and bedroom slippers. I didn’t really fit in, on this world, did I?

This literally points out what I talked about earlier with him not looking like he came from this world--because he isn't. So far, she hasn't raised a single suspicion about him. I wonder how long it took for her to realize that those five men were a threat to her too, since she doesn't have much of a danger-sense. Also I'd like to note that Akio fought five men in bedroom slippers and I don't know why I'm surprised.

“So, tell me more about yourself, Keya?” I inquired.

She blushed slightly and remarked, “I-I’ve never really talked about myself to anyone before. But…all right! I am from the elven kingdom of Ero Yanth, which is located up north of the continent. My father is the king and I, his daughter, am the princess of the nation.”

I knew she was a princess. Even after heard the word, highway bandits wouldn’t attack random strangers unless they had riches. Well, that’s what I’ve learned in RPG gaming.

This part doesn't make sense to me. Now it's easy for Keya to open up to a complete stranger to give the reader another info-dump about her character and where she's from after a little pushing? This hardly makes sense. Akio is still a possible threat to her and she just decides to tell him her life story? I can hardly believe that. If this is the reaction that I have to the majority of dialogue that you've written, there's a chance that it needs improvement. Keya tells him, a complete and total stranger that she's never talked to before, about herself. She automatically trusts him. You'd think she'd be more wary or cautious because of the clothes that he's wearing or his apparently-unique traits that haven't been touched on any further.

“Okay, well, you see…I had…a premonition that a great evil was about to befall onto the world.”

Hearing that, I couldn’t help but flash a look of disbelief. It did sounded a little ludicrous. Then again, it is a typical scenario in some games where the hero meets an oracle that receives a dream of a “great evil” arriving to the world. So, I didn’t want to rule out what the princess said as crazy.

The shining part of this chapter! The fact that this is a generic MMO makes Akio realize what she's saying might actually be true. I'd love to see a twist put on this that he goes on this journey for nothing because Keya is an NPC. A character programmed into the game to guide him. This is the only part that redeems this turning to so many common stereotypes and tropes, though I doubt that's the reason why this is actually added in here. I assume this is just more babble that shows Akio's extensive knowledge on MMOs and video games.

I'd love to see something more hyper-realistic that took on that concept. Kinda reminds me of the synposis of the book Ready Player One, which is the only piece of media that's impressed me with the concept of being in a game. The best part about this is that everyone is in there willingly and not trapped in there. I do suppose that this is a little different seeing as so far, Akio is the only person that's been trapped in this video game.

Ready Player One and Jumanji--the two that actually execute this idea well. The latter is the more about getting trapped in a board game, though. It's kinda hilarious that it's a generic MMO that he got stuck in, which means if anyone else got stuck in this video game, they're probably similar to Akio in interests. That's something that I'd find interesting. The only other people in this game are those who actually enjoy playing cheap and free MMOs. Just bouncing around some ideas to twist this in a different way for this to be more fresh and unique since this hasn't done anything particularly new that stands out. Do something to make this more distinct from other stories in the genre.

“I was wondering. Where did you learn to fight like that, back there?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer her question. If I told her, then she’ll know I don’t have amnesia.

“I learned it…um…”

“Oh, right, you don’t remember anything, do you? T-that’s alright! I didn’t mean to sound rude!” she replied, taking back what she asked before.

I was relieved. I didn’t have to tell her anything. It’s surprising how a princess would be impressed by my fighting skills, although I was a member of the kendo club in high school and was top of my peers. So, it would make sense.

I'm putting these words in bold because they're important. Explain this somehow to the reader a lot earlier in the chapter, then still have this thought later on. We get an explanation, but if this were something I attempted to read voluntarily the issue would frustrate me too much and I'd probably go find some other book to read. While this isn't a published book, that's what would've happened if it were. A simple 'Being at the top of the Kendo club in high school finally paid off' would have done the job and I'd never mention any of this. Unfortunately, that's not what happens here, though that's what first drafts are for. Just be sure to sprinkle information in subtly and a lot earlier on. Like, during the fight scene.

I looked at the clothes Keya handed me. Strangely, they appeared to be of my size, which was unnerving how she was able to guess my measures.

Before I started putting them on, I heard the curtains slid open and someone asking, “how are the clothes? Are they to your…” Keya stood right in the opening, frozen in exacerbation as we glanced eye-to-eye. She stared at my chest while her face turned red. Closing the blinds, I could hear her running out of the way, shouting “sorry!” in embarrassment.

You just keep pointing out your own issues unknowingly! How did Keya know his size so well? An explanation for that would be nice, even if it's only brief. I also wanted to point out that this feels like every fanservice ever, which isn't how an actual relationship is born. It's obvious that you want to pair these characters together, though if this is anything more like Sword Art Online, I'm expecting a couple of more girls to be introduced maybe for a chapter or so and then tossed away again because of the original relationship. Maybe this won't do that and this'll be the only relationship or maybe this'll have multiple love interests for the main character (I wouldn't even blink an eye by now about that).

“Oh, you look amazing, Akio! With your skills and your new fashion, you look like a proper warrior!” ironically, that’s the class I always choose when playing games.

Her comment embarrassed me a little. Scratching my left cheek, I said timidly, “Umm…thanks, Keya, but can you afford this? I don’t want to make you spend all your money on me.”

She waved her hand nonchalant and remarked, “Don’t worry about it! I have enough money to last for a long time!”

I want to know what type of clothes Akio is wearing. Are these clothes the same as someone's from another continent? What do people wear around here? Give us more of an origin about the clothes. Are they the same in this general area? Would they have been different if from a different yet nearby town? Those tiny details are what build the world up and immerse the reader. In general I'd like to see some more description since this seems to be a little stronger than the dialogue.

The end of the chapter is especially a culprit when it comes to being rushed here. I can see all of this content stretching over three chapters, not just condensed into a single one. For example, they go out to eat. What do they eat? Where do they go out to eat? What do they talk about while eating? Does anybody notice that Keya is the princess? What about Akio? Does anybody question how Akio looks? Keya mentioned earlier that his traits were pretty uncommon, does this mean he got any strange looks? This is what I mean fleshing out. Them eating, Akio turning down a sword, and them getting back on the road is all done in five sentences. That is way too fast-paced.

I understand that the plot points are always quite fun to write such as the end of a chapter or a fight scene, though that doesn't give an excuse to skip over most of what's in-between. You can't skip everything that doesn't automatically interest you. Character development is important, and since the amount of content in this chapter could be spread over much more and spaced out more evenly, this feels like you're intentionally skipping what it's action-related or romance-related.

We haven't even really had a scene where they just sat down and talked together, which is something that would make sense since they're total strangers. Sure, we've heard a couple of conversations from them, though we haven't gotten anything that isn't related to the plot. Actual conversation is more free-flowing and less always somehow connected to the plot, like the scene with the clothes minus the fanservice-esque part because that doesn't actually happen. What's especially irking about this is that we've only really been introduced to these two main characters, so there's no reason or excuse for not developing them. Seems you're not a fan of having a large cast, and that's fine, though that means you have to pay more attention to each character you do have.

With the introduction of the sword, I don't know why Akio decides to ignore the warning. It's probably there for a reason. He makes the rash decision of picking up the sword and I'm going to assume that this somehow twists the plot and kicks this up another notch. Keya isn't the only one that's shocked when he goes for the hilt. I'm going to take a bet that this is here to create a motive for the main character.

I'm going to bet that he ends up defeating the shadow again without a real struggle. That's what the reader wants to see in a fight, the main character struggling and then coming out on top if they have the skill to do so. Those are just some predictions though and I'm not quite sure what'll end up happening through I have to say that Akio's character gets on my nerves. I can understand the appeal to him for some people though I have to say that he's got a lot of growing to do. I don't necessarily want as much character development in this chapter that changes his character, I first want to get to know his character before he changes, whether it be for the better or worse.

Overall, too much happens in this chapter for me to get a real taste of this world. The characters have still fallen into stereotype and there are a lot of issues here regarding logic and haven't proved themselves to be more than cardboard cut-outs or archetypes of the usual boy and girl manga/anime characters. The concept is something that I rarely find to be well-executed and there's a lot that Akio doesn't address. He doesn't seem to have emotions all that much so far.

We haven't seen how he feels about being potentially trapped in this MMORPG because we've been too busy being hit again and again by this world. I found the fact that this is a video game to not contribute a lot to the story so far or at least, the main character hasn't thought about this a lot. I'd try polishing this up for grammatical errors and going from there in your edits. Take more time on the content that's been concentrated into a single chapter. I also hope this diverges from being so similar and following common tropes in manga and anime since this distracts the reader and makes this feel stale or like it's already been done. Apologies in advance if this comes off as harsh or mean, because I meant to be neither of those and just spoke what I thought honestly.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day. I also hope you're honoured to have the longest review I've ever written. It's been a pleasure.

A good start for what I am sure will be an entertaining story.
First I must mention, that I am not a gamer, so forgive me if I might seem I little dull-witted.

What particularly stood out to me was your language. It is comprehensible, direct, humorous and flowing. I felt an immediate connection to the main character, well done. Especially your dialogs are well formulated and possess a natural feeling.
There were some tiny mistakes, for example:

She explained jocularly, “It’s you're name! I’ve never heard of anyone with a name like that!” she didn’t mean to sound rude, but the way it came out was sort of irksome.

you're should be your.

It did sounded a little ludicrous.

→It did sound a little ludicrous.
And so on, just read it through one more time to focus on spelling.

Good, now to the content.
The overall idea is captivating, yet the whole thing is a little... thin. It is hard to explain, but imagine a scarf made out of five threads. It needs more to become fluffy and warm.
To persuade your readers to read your whole book you need to create longer claws, preferably with sharp talons. (Metaphorical of course)
For that, you already have two great elements.
Falling into a video game, boom! and the sword curse, another boom!
(The two characters and their potential love story are also essential elements, yet I finde them already smashing)

So the whole falling into the video game thing needs more explanation. How does this world look like? How much time has passed? How can Aiko already be well adapted to the world, yet know nothing about it? Did he then just start fighting random thieves? I would assume, that if an ordinary human, which he (or she?) appears to be, finds themselves in a different reality they would panic. I would in any case. So the flashback needs to answer more questions.

Now the sword thing, I presume is a big step on your plot ladder, so make it more dramatic, but still keep the humor. Also, the event is presented out of nowhere, maybe you could foreshadow and stretch it out a little.

To conclude, a good idea, so keep knitting that scarf.
As a side note, have you read the book Erebos? It reminds me of this story and I greatly enjoyed it.