Hello! It's been a little bit, so I'm kind of rusty at this, but I'll give it a go. Disclaimer: I have not read any of the previous chapters, but that honestly has no bearing whatsoever on what I'm going to cover in this review today.
Also, another forewarning: most of my advice may come across as harsh (as I'm writing this, I'm finding it difficult to sugarcoat things, because I've been in a job where we don't sugarcoat stuff for a while, now), but it's also because if you truly want to improve as a writer, and are willing to set aside any preconceived notions or emotional attachments to how this story thinks, feels, and breathes, then there are numerous very problematic things you need to address to do that.
Another disclaimer: Caps are not me yelling. I tend to use them for added emphasis. It's not personal.
First, may I suggest running this through a spellchecker? Granted, it won't catch everything, but it's a good place to start, and there are a noticeable number of spots with glaring spelling and grammatical issues. I'm not doing a line-by-line review, so I won't get into them exactly, but find a way to clean up your grammatical and syntactic errors. Other ways to fix this include reading backward from the end of the section you're working on, handing it off to another person (only a fool proofreads their own work is a favorite saying of mine), and read. Read read read read read. And by that I don't mean just random snippets of writing here and there—read what you are trying to write. If you're going to write "high fantasy", which is what this chapter screams to me, read high fantasy. Don't go read the New York Times and expect that will truly help you with your writing, because I have caught just as many typographical and grammatical errors in online articles as I've seen here.
For example:
My tone had become introverted from being surprised.
"I do not think [that word] means what you think it means," as Inigo Montoya would say. I literally asked myself "what in the world is that supposed to mean?"
Alright, now I've beaten that horse to death... That's not even the biggest problem I have with this. Far from it. Beyond the blatant Fullmetal Alchemist reference, you move from a fairly decent method of setting a scene into full-out stereotypical tropes. Allow me to enumerate them (including but not limited to):
- - Person from another world/Earth (aka the foreigner/alien) is another, fantasy world's prophesied savior ("Your people cannot possibly save themselves, here let me do it for you" is what this says to me—unless perhaps Akio is descended from these people, and I just missed it?)
- Elves are incredibly old and magical beings linked with nature~ (like we haven't seen that one before)
- Ancient magic that hasn't been seen since, well, ancient times just so happens to be lying around in a maze that someone could hypothetically just stumble into. Or, not even so much that it's lying around, but the fact it's still in use when you're implying it hasn't been seen since presumably thousands of years ago
- Said elf—who has only read about it in ONE BOOK—just so happens to be able to interact with said magic without any negative consequences
- Appearance of tentacles compared to hentai. Because all tentacles are related to sex? Really?
- Oh, and don't get me started on the box. I can see you're probably going for comedic effect of "acting casual about something dangerous" but come on. You expect me to believe a high-level representative who I'm assuming is supposed to be familiar with all these magical artifacts wouldn't be familiar with THE MOST DANGEROUS BEAST IN THE LAND Sealed Evil In A Can and thus risk letting it out of its confinement???
- Oh, yeah, and that anime/manga description of their faces. Does not belong in high fantasy or any kind of fantasy for that matter in the way you've written it here. With the character you have being familiar with anime, a more acceptable description would be to say that his expression appeared like a particular face. Eyes don't just go white in a written media without some very good reason—like magic power, or blindness, or some other environmental effect.
- Magic being in female form weighing the worth/character/ability of his soul.
TBH at this point I skimmed over it because the only reason I was laughing was because most of what I'd read before this was laughably overdone. I wasn't taking this story seriously anymore because you failed to establish any level of credibility with your readers for why these characters would do these things or why anything about it should be considered important and worthy of the gravity these situations should theoretically have. In short, it almost read like a crackfic (if you're not familiar with the term, google it).
Speaking of weighing a person's character—let's get into your MCs and their characterizations, shall we? Now, I will be the first to admit I had MCs like your male MC (Akio?) before. When I was about 12 to 18. Then I grew up and realized (as I just reread those writings recently, and deargod!) how egotistical, unrealistic, and poorly conceived they were. In fact, I even had courtiers with similar empty roles in support of an overpowered teenage MC who should have been way out of her league, but magically was able to do things because she was the MC, and I was writing it, so I could make her do whatever I wanted.
Which is how I know your MC is a Gary Stu. Because I've been there.
First off, see: previous mention of 'savior complex' above. Secondly, that explanation of how Earth is. I have seen this done before, and I have seen it done well, and I have seen it done poorly. This was done very poorly. Can you honestly tell me that the FIRST THING you would think of to tell someone about Earth would be "we kill it with pollutants"? Is that seriously the best way to handle what could be a sensitive subject, knowing—as he explicitly states—how keen these elves are about the topic? And Keya's reaction is similarly stereotypical anger, instead of perhaps trying to understand why a world without magic would exist in that way. Also, if she's as intelligent as she appears to be from being able to recognize magic she's only ever read about once, could she not have a civil and intelligent conversation about such an issue? Granted, it sounds like there's an issue in her history that makes her predisposed toward stonewalling anything good about the topic, but the point still stands that you could do more with this character on this issue, instead of slapping the stereotypical "elf butthurt about environmental problems".
Furthermore, is the environmental issue honestly even the first thing you'd think about? More likely, if I were Akio, I wouldn't even bring up the environmental thing, much less painting it in such an awful light. I would start with the similarities—how there's grass, and cities, and mountains, and day and night, and then slowly work into explaining how the less magical things work, and then from there move into a well-rounded, realistic discussion of the environmental impacts those things have. And that's not just because it's me, and a conscious effort to manipulate the conversation—that's what legitimately I imagine a flowing conversation based on the question "what is your homeworld like?" would go. Watch any sci-fi that involves interplanetary travel and cultural differences and study how those characters discuss their worlds. Probably, it's going to be for the more nostalgic and fond things they recall of their home, unless something about it put such a sour taste in their mouth that they have absolutely nothing good to say about it. Well-rounded is going to mean that both sides of the environmental coin will be discussed—not just dashing the reader over the head with a ginormous "ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVISM" stick. Whether that was your intention or not, that's how it read.
*sidesteps off activism soap box back onto character development*
Okay...so, getting back to actual character issues. The third thing I've noticed with Akio is the "pervert" narrative, self-inflicted. From hentai, to the conversation with Keya, to the bed incident, to breakfast the next morning, Akio is a bit all over the place. First off, why in the world does any of this—any of their interactions—have to be about sex? He even mentally tries to tell himself it's not, but then anything remotely sexual comes up, and he makes it into that. As BlueAfrica already said, how is Keya being in a nightgown in a shared bedroom around bedtime anything remotely closed to sending mixed signals? Also, the fact she's sitting crosslegged should not be nearly the amount of distraction he makes it out to be. It is entirely possible to cover up everything simply with Keya's hands in her lap pushing down the fabric, or perhaps the skirt is long enough to do that with the force of gravity. Expert source: Myself, a female who has done exactly that with various types of skirts in various company. All that says to me is she's a tomboyish woman who finds crosslegged comfortable, and that she's probably not as accustomed to sitting in a skirt so she reverts to what her muscle memory stored as her preference.
I'd also like to echo BlueAfrica again on "why does he have to think of Keya like a little girl when she geeks out over something"? I am also a grown woman and have absolutely no problems geeking out over anything I like, to include both adorable furry woodland critters, freakin' awesome and intricate magical or real life processes, and firearms. Through Akio's eyes, you are severely boxing Keya's character into a two-dimensional stick figure instead of another human being.
Minor sidebar:
She continued with both hands on her bosom
I think I know what you were trying to say here, and no. Her hands were not on her bosom. Unless you did in fact mean to say she was basically cupping her hands atop her breasts, and I can tell you with certainty (see: Myself, a female) that women don't do that in mixed company. You're looking for "hands on chest" aka the flat part above both the male and female breasts (yes, shocker, men have breasts too. It's why two people standing side by side are abreast of each other).
The cherry on the cake, though, is that whole sleep-walking-in-the-night thing you have going on with Keya. Now maybe I don't know because it was addressed earlier, but why in the world is her character climbing into bed with this guy, and why in the heck is he not way more alert and wondering what's going on than he is? If someone climbed into my bed in the middle of the night when they shouldn't be, I'd be wondering what's going on and if I should be worried about someone trying to kill me. I have actually spooked awake from a dead sleep by a friend of mine on a sleepover simply stepping into my room even though my conscious mind, before going to sleep, had been expecting it. If he's awake enough to even think how sexual he perceives those movements as being, he's more than awake enough to turn and look to see who in the world it is.
Then. THEN. You go pretty much out of your way to make the MC trip and rip her nightgown purely for the "OMG he saw me naked!!!" gag. You really could have done without this. Full stop period. It adds no value whatsoever to this story at all, nor does it do anything more than paint your MC as the victim and Keya as the unreasonable woman overreacting to waking up in bed with a man. Certainly there will be a rather high level of disorientation, but Keya is 127 and I'm sure she's experienced her sleep-walking issue before now to understand that she sometimes maybe is going to end up in awkward situations like that.
Akio's response, again, is really not necessary. The "trying to reach for someone and he trips" gag is fine—what I find entirely unbelievable is the nightgown snapping to the point where it's going to slide completely off her and show everything. First, why is she wearing something so poorly made that it couldn't withstand a couple tugs? Second, if I were her, and I felt something break, I'd be immediately trying to catch the gown and cover things that might be showing. Thirdly, if he knows it's breaking, why is he looking at her??? He just proves his own point about having a perverted mind if he looks. Which gets back into the cycle of "okay, is he perverted, or what?"
If you want to deal with sexual tension properly, don't smack the reader over the head with it. Go for a "long burn" so to speak. Relationships and clues and building of relationships like that—if indeed these characters really are supposed to end up together—relies on subtlety, something I'm even working on myself still. You started getting on the right track by saying those characters don't even know each other that well and opening that conversation, but then it immediately devolved from what could be a decent, world-building, character-building, and enlightening conversation into overt, unnecessary sexual tension and secondhand activism. If you want to get dialogue right, listen to real life people getting to know each other. Sit at a cafe one day and just take in what your ears hear (don't...get creepy about it.). Just use whatever everyday situations you normally run into and study how they talk, how the flow of conversations move from one topic to another. Think about the details of what your characters might like to know and don't be afraid to get into the nitty gritty on them, rather than speaking in generalities. I have written out whole conversations just to realize I missed something, then gone back and added a thousand words in dialogue based on that alone.
Conclusion
There is an awful lot of work to be done here to turn your writing from something dry, stereotypical, and laughable into a legitimate work that can be taken seriously. I'm sure if I read the rest of the chapters, I could find something that forms a great foundation and baseline to start rebuilding from. I know I'm doing that with the aforementioned old writing of mine. But in order to get to that point, you need to seriously reexamine your motives in writing this story, and go back to basics on character development and relationship building. I can see how an anime/manga background seems to be informing a lot of this, and I understand (as an anime/manga fan myself) how it's expressing itself in this fashion. If you want to do a dramatic/comedic mix properly, I suggest looking to Fullmetal Alchemist. If you want to do it in a novel format, I suggest doing a lot more novel reading in order to better cage your style for that medium.
Like I said, it's been a while since I've done a review, so if there's anything that come across as blunt, rude, or harsh, I apologize. However, I will not apologize for the content of my critique. I probably won't see any response to this because I'm, as I said, not around a lot, or not very often if at all, but I do wish you the best of luck with your writing endeavors.
Sincerely,
- Gladius
Points: 4194
Reviews: 111
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