z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Mature Content

Ashura: A World of Sword and Magic Chapter 12

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

3 hours later, after meeting with the council members, my friends and I were taken to another part of the catacombs. The place was built like a maze, taking us from one corner to another if we not careful. Even the councilmen had gotten themselves lost once, or twice, and they’ve been dwelling there for years. Finally, we found our way to where we wanted to be. We entered another large room with a giant crystal on the ceiling. However, this room was different as it had a bizarre pentagram that was drawn on the floor. Our feet scratched against the chalk.

I examined the floor as I arched a brow.

What is this; a transmutation circle?

If I remembered correctly, this was the part where the big bad would sacrifice the hero to create the Philosopher’s Stone, but I digress and am just letting my fantasies get the best of me.

The circle was large with a pentagram drawn inside in an inverted angle. Inside the edges were a series of arcane symbols written in a language that was completely alien to me. Then again, almost everything in Ashura is still alien to me. According to the representatives, this was the same circle they used to bring me to their world, which surprised me as my eyes widened bewilderment.

I was taken aback when I saw Keya’s eyes grew wide as stars twinkled in her pupils and a huge smile formed on her face.

“Keya, are you okay,” I inquired. My tone had softened from becoming surprised.

She turned her attention to me while retaining her expression. She answered in astonishment, “Okay?! I’m more than okay! This summoning circle is made from magic that hasn’t been practiced since the Age of the Ancients! I’ve once read a book about ancient magic and knew that only the most prestigious of magicians can use it, but I’ve never thought I would see an example of it with my own eyes!”

First, the fact that I was the messiah made her ecstatic and, now, ancient magic. Sometimes, I wonder if Keya is just a little girl in the body of a full-grown woman.

“Keya, how old are you?” I asked in a puzzled tone. My eyebrows arched as I stared at her.

“I’m 127-years-old,” she said straightforwardly. Her head tilted to the side as she stared back.

My jaw immediately dropped as I gasped. I shouted, “Don’t lie to me!”

“I’m not. We elves have a very long lifespan and can live to be about 10,000 years of age.” Her expression fell blank, almost like it wasn’t a surprise that I wasn’t aware. However, I could still tell she was a little unnerved by my reaction as evident by the droplet of sweat on her temple.

Despite looking to be about my age, she was twice as older than my grandmother. I knew that elves and their immortality, but that didn’t stopped me from being taken aback because, honestly, would anyone else react differently, besides other elves?

“Ehemm!”

Snapping out of my befuddlement, I turned around with my face met with Representative Kur’s whose position remained outside of the circle. His expression was just as rigid as Representative Almas, having the line of his mouth set in such a manner.

“If you are done with your…conversation, then we can get on with the second test,” he demanded. His tone of voice sounded calm with an impatient undertone.

Walking up to us, the representative held a wooden box up to us. He explained in a straightforward tone, “This box contains a familiar that will examine the contents of your [Spirit]. That way, it will determine if you are spiritually the messiah.”

“Is this anything like reincarnation?” I inquired. My brow arched in curiosity.

“Not quite. This is mainly to see if your [Spirit] has the same quality as your predecessors. It has nothing to do with you being someone reborn,” the representative corrected. Then he proceeded onward with the test.

However, when he opened the box, what came out was not a spirit, but a series of tentacles. Keya and I were taken aback as we screamed with our eyes turned white as droplets of sweat appeared all over and our mouths dropping in angst. Even Grimhilda and Leni looked unnerved as they became blue with shock as well.

“What the hell is that?!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

I wanted to decline if that was really the test because I have seen enough hentai to know what will happen next.

I was then relieved when the representative closed the box and pulled it away. He apologized, “Oh, sorry. My mistake. That’s the box where we keep one of the most ancient, and dangerous, beasts in the world imprisoned, which we really need to label.” Handing it to one of his colleagues, he reached for another box and although it looked the same, the only difference was that on the top was covered in gold laces. He continued, “Here is the real box that will determine if you really are the one.”

I held my breath in hopes that it wasn’t something else weird and unusual. Opening the box, a flash of blue light emanated out from inside as an apparition appeared before us.

It was a beautiful woman with long light-blue hair and gray translucent skin and black lips. She was dressed in a long white veiled gown with a single long glove on her right arm and a blindfold around her eyes.

She introduced herself in a monotonous tone, “I am the Oracle. After these thousand years, it is a pleasure to meet you, at last. Now, let me peer into your soul and see if you are what I expect.”

She trailed up with her bare feet touching the floor. My body trembled in agitation as her hand reached out and phased through my chest. The feeling of her hand was cold as ice. Suddenly, I felt an aura of blue energy shrouded around me while my sight became white. Seconds later, after I came to, everyone looked around me, giving me expressions of awe and terror.

My eyes raised in confusion. I questioned with a frown, “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

“You don’t know?! When that phantom lady touched you, you were floating with blue lights and everything! There was even a large ring of energy around you!” Grimhilda stated, having loud tone of voice with a shocked expression.

Keya quickly interjected, “After the spirit finished, she said, ‘it is good to see another one, again,’ before retreating back into the box.” She had the same expression as Hilda’s on her face. She added in a somber tone, “I’m just happy you weren’t hurt in the end.”

“What do you mean? I was only out for a few seconds!” I questioned, becoming perplexed as my eyes rose.

“More like an hour! You were stuck comatose while that ghost pried through your chest,” Keya concluded. My face immediately dropped as my shoulders slouched.

Apparently, during my “examination”, the representatives told Grimhilda and Keya that if it didn’t go thoroughly, then I would have died from immolation. I shivered at the thought of my body self-combusting and turning into ash. At that moment, everything went silent.

Representative Kar then sauntered up to us with a smile on his face. Waving a nonchalant hand, he said with a calm demeanor, “Well, now that that ordeal is out of the way, how about you and your friends get yourselves some sleep, Akio. It has been a long day and the next test will be much more tiresome tomorrow.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

30 minutes later, I was lying on a soft bed in a small room built for two people, staring at the gray stone ceiling while waiting for someone to arrive. The council had assigned us rooms for the three of us to spend the night. Fortunately, Keya and I have been paired as roommates while Grimhilda has become Leni’s. So, that means there won’t be blood spilled tonight. However, that’s going to be a problem for me, though.

“I’m coming in now.”

The door opened. Keya walked in the room with her nightgown on and plopped onto the bed on the right. I tried averting my eyes away below the skirt before she crossed her legs. Her face blushed as my eyes returned to her gaze. The amount of awkwardness in the air was quite heavy as I felt my shirt collar choking around my neck.

“So, this is it, huh?” Keya mused, twiddling her fingers while flashing a meek smile.

Arching a brow, I became confused by her remark. I asked, “What do you mean?” then my face turned even redder. “D-do you mean…”

“No! No! Not that! I’m talking about tomorrow being the final test!” she corrected herself. She waved her hands as beads of sweat fell from her brow.

I smiled, inhaling and exhaling my breath. I was relieved that she wasn’t talking about doing “that”. Then again, the way she was talking and how sexy she was dressed did send some mixed signals for me. However, Then I remembered that she was twice as old as my grandmother, which made it feel weird as I cringed.

“Yeah, it is. I’m not sure what it will be, but it must be something extremely rigorous and scary for it to be the final test,” I stated. That was just my guess, but it would make sense.

I head Keya sigh before she started staring at the stone floor. She looked sad with her eyelids remaining half-open while her shoulders hung low.

“You know, what’s really scary is what comes after this? I mean, do we keep going on our quests at the guild, or do we part ways?” she questioned. I could see the twinkle in her eye as she lay down on her bed, turning her attention to the ceiling like a patient at a therapist’s office.

She continued with both arms around her chest, “Akio, even though we haven’t known each other for a short period, I really did enjoy all the time we spent. I’m just afraid that it’s going to come to an end and I don’t know what to do afterwards.”

Scratching the back of my head, my face made the same expression as the elf girl’s. Then in idea popped into my head as I said, “Maybe, it doesn’t have to end right away. How about we spend this time getting to know each other a bit more.”

She jumped up at the suggestion and turned back towards me, leaning forward with her eyes sparkling in excitement. She wasn’t even aware that I noticed her cleavage puffing up at my face.

“You’re right! We really don’t know much about each other!” She repeated earnestly. She caught on where my eyes were staring at and quickly readjusted her top.

She asked, “So, where do we start?”

“How about you tell me about where you came from? What’s your home like?” I said inquisitively.

“Well, like I said on the day we met, I come from the kingdom of Ero Yalth, the home of all of the high elves. It is a land of lush greens, surrounded by ancient trees with buildings of stone that could touch the sky. Surrounding the boarders are large blue crystals that are connected to the world’s lay lines, syphoning the mana from the soil and generating enough power to shield our kingdom,” she explained descriptively. Her tone was mild and calm, having a placid expression on her face.

My brows furrowed, thinking about what such a country would look like as a mental picture appeared in my head. It was good distraction from staring down at “You know what” and I found it relaxing listening to the elf girl.

“What about your family? What are they like?” I asked.

She shrugged and bit her lower lip. She replied, “They’re just like any family, frustrating and hard to handle while not passing a minute to embarrassed on another.”

“Well, you’re also of nobility, but how far up are you?”

“Let’s just say we are very high up in the hierarchy.”

“So, tell me about your home. What is Earth like?” she inquired with a wide grin.

My eyes widened. I pondered on how I would explain what my world is like, but since she was an elf and since her people are into nature, I’m afraid of what her reaction would be like. So, I started slow and worked my way up to the horrific parts.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I said with a trail in my voice, “Well…in my world, we don’t have any magic and only humans exist. There are no elf, dwarves, or the undead, and we rely on science and technology to guide our lives.” From the puzzled look on her face, I could tell she was perplexed as her eyebrows rose in response. Then I continued, “Many humans live in cities filled with skyscrapers made out of stone and concrete, and are powered by electricity, which is sort of like my world’s version of mana but more complicated and more environmentally hazardous.”

“What do you mean by ‘environmentally hazardous’?” Keya’s expression became more perturbed as her brow arched.

“What I meant was that all the energy we get is from the earth, as in we harvest it from the resources we gather and, as a result, we expel it into waste, which is harmful to the environment,” I explained with my face glowered. Keya’s face immediately fell with her mouth agape, which seems to be a reasonable reaction.

Placing her hand on her face, Keya frowned as she sighed. She stated, “In other words, the humans of your world act more like the humans of this world. You take everything as your own without thinking about the consequences and not even concerning about how much you’re harming the world.” Her expression changed to that of anger and contempt as her brow furrowed while I watched her hands gripping together, so hard that I saw blood trickling from her nails.

“Keya? Are you okay?” I reached over and tried to place a hand on her shoulder.

The elf snapped out and released her hands, taking notice of the scars that she made on her hands. Her face returned to its sunny disposition as she nervously waved a hand dismissively.

Keya said earnestly, “Oh, nothing. It’s just something personal I was murmuring to myself. It’s nothing you should be concerned about.” Her face began to sweat as she waved a nonchalant hand.

She asked, “So, what did you do before coming to our world? What was your life on earth like?”

I answered her straightforwardly, telling her about my life while trying to explain it as best as I could and trying to keep it as simple as possible. I told about how I was a junior in high school and also clarifying what high school was. I also told her about my life at home and how my parents are never home as they constantly worked, which…made it very lonely for me. Although I was smiling, my eyes were completely different as they became sorrowful.

That’s when Keya beamed a sympathetic gaze at me as she reached out to hold my hand. The softness of her fingers made me feel a little bit more uplifted. That was all we needed to learn about ourselves for the time being. Once we had finished, we blew out the kerosene lanterns standing at our bedsides and went to sleep.

However, while I was lying in bed, I felt something sneaking into my sheets and laying right beside me in probably the middle of the night. The room was too dark and I was too tired to see who it was. The feeling was all too familiar like the touch of a woman, but my face dejected in disbelief as my eyes-widened.

No. It couldn’t be her. I felt a hand sliding over my chest and something soft and squishy against my back while a pant of breath exhaled against the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine but in a nice and amorous way.

Then something slithered down into my pants and onto my manhood. The feeling of five appendages wrapping around my cock caused me to quiver. Keya’s hand on my rod was a surprising feeling, especially since her hands were so soft and warm. She started stroking up and down in a gentle motion. I pursed my lips shut, making sure I didn’t utter a peep to alarm her. Suddenly, her speed increased, pumping it faster as it pulsated. Then I erupted and splurged in my boxers and possibly all over the elf girl’s hand before she pulled it away.

Ignoring it as best as I could, I tried to go back to sleep, closing my eyes tighter in hopes that it was all just a dream and this feeling was all a part of my perverted subconscious.

My eyes flickered open as they darted to the clock on the wall. Since there were no windows in the room, I couldn’t tell if it was morning or still midnight. Luckily, there was some light coming through the crevasses of the door, giving me enough to see that it was now 7:56AM. I leaned up and attempted to turn on the lamps, but felt some heavy clinging onto my body. Then a moan was expressed. When the lights came on, my whole face turned white as I saw Keya’s arms around my abdomen.

Oh god, so it really was Keya and it wasn’t a dream! I panicked. My teeth starting to chatter while beads of sweat fell from my brow. Both of her hands were dry, which meant she must have wiped my spunk off before going back to sleep. I attempted to move her away but every time I tried to gingerly pry her off, she would slowly wiggle and tighten her hold as she smiled affectionately.

Suddenly, my worst nightmare had come true. Keya’s eyes fluttered open in the most alluring way possible. Her face turned crimson as she jumped up and covered herself with my sheets.

“Akio?! What in the name of the spirits are you doing in my bed?!” she screamed, scooting inches away and leaning close t the edge. She made sure to have one hand on the nightstand, so to not fall off.

I waved my hands non-threateningly as beads of sweat fell from my brow. I said with a panicky undertone, “Keya, this isn’t your bed! You climbed into my bed and slept the entire night!” I guess she might have crawled in subconsciously. “You even did some…stuff to me as well! Don’t you remember?!”

Throwing the sheets over, she quickly got up and prepared to storm out while having a miffed expression on her face (which was red with embarrassment). “L-lies! A maiden like myself would never do something so lecherous!”

I leaped up and attempted to stop her, so that I could explain the situation better. Suddenly, my foot got tangled in the sheets, causing me to trip and reached for anything to break my fall. Sadly, I wished it wasn’t Keya’s nightgown for when I heard the shoulder straps break, my eyes widened as her gown fell down to her legs. Right before my eyes was the body of a goddess with smooth, porcelain skin and big bell-shaped bosoms that looked like ripened fruit from the Garden of Eden. However, when I turned my attention below, a yellow bush that glistened like her hair obstructed my vision.

I could feel my face turning extremely red while feeling the blood coming out of my nose. Keya cringed in horror when she looked down, covering her chest with her arms before screaming at the top of her lungs, “Pervert!”

You can guess what happened next. I watched her body glow and after that, everything went dark.

20-minutes-later, I found myself dressed and sitting at a table with Keya and Grimhilda as we ate our breakfast, and the only thing that was on my mind was how much my face hurt more than my body.

“Okay, seriously! What the hell is wrong with your face?!” Grimhilda pointed out in a perturbed tone. “With all those bumps, it’s like you got attack by ravenous monster raspberries, or something!”

Grabbing a silver spoon, I looked at my reflection and was taken aback by the state of my face. She was right; I did look like a monstrous raspberry had assaulted me from how my face currently resembled a bloody one.

“Indeed, I might have over did it, but you still deserve it after looking at me naked!” Keya stated, having a bashful face while avoiding eye contact. She was right. I did deserve it, but that’s what happens when you’re a victim of circumstance.

I felt someone kick me on the side of my right leg. When I turned, I received a deadly glare from Grimhilda that read, “Drop dead.”

“Lecherous creep!” I heard her muttered under her breath.

Just then, we saw Leni staggering over to our table and taking a seat at the end with her head down.

I said with a friendly grin, “Hey, Leni. How’d you sleep?”

“Good.”

“Do you want some breakfast?”

“No, thank you.”

“Is there anything wrong?”

“Yes, there is.”

The entire conversation just turned one-sided. Taking a deep breath, Leni looked up, becoming unnerved by the bags under her eyes as she looked at me. She said somberly with heavy eyes, “There’s something I need to tell you’ all.”


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 9:45 pm
Gladius wrote a review...



Hello! It's been a little bit, so I'm kind of rusty at this, but I'll give it a go. Disclaimer: I have not read any of the previous chapters, but that honestly has no bearing whatsoever on what I'm going to cover in this review today.

Also, another forewarning: most of my advice may come across as harsh (as I'm writing this, I'm finding it difficult to sugarcoat things, because I've been in a job where we don't sugarcoat stuff for a while, now), but it's also because if you truly want to improve as a writer, and are willing to set aside any preconceived notions or emotional attachments to how this story thinks, feels, and breathes, then there are numerous very problematic things you need to address to do that.

Another disclaimer: Caps are not me yelling. I tend to use them for added emphasis. It's not personal.

First, may I suggest running this through a spellchecker? Granted, it won't catch everything, but it's a good place to start, and there are a noticeable number of spots with glaring spelling and grammatical issues. I'm not doing a line-by-line review, so I won't get into them exactly, but find a way to clean up your grammatical and syntactic errors. Other ways to fix this include reading backward from the end of the section you're working on, handing it off to another person (only a fool proofreads their own work is a favorite saying of mine), and read. Read read read read read. And by that I don't mean just random snippets of writing here and there—read what you are trying to write. If you're going to write "high fantasy", which is what this chapter screams to me, read high fantasy. Don't go read the New York Times and expect that will truly help you with your writing, because I have caught just as many typographical and grammatical errors in online articles as I've seen here.

For example:

My tone had become introverted from being surprised.

"I do not think [that word] means what you think it means," as Inigo Montoya would say. I literally asked myself "what in the world is that supposed to mean?"

Alright, now I've beaten that horse to death... That's not even the biggest problem I have with this. Far from it. Beyond the blatant Fullmetal Alchemist reference, you move from a fairly decent method of setting a scene into full-out stereotypical tropes. Allow me to enumerate them (including but not limited to):

    - Person from another world/Earth (aka the foreigner/alien) is another, fantasy world's prophesied savior ("Your people cannot possibly save themselves, here let me do it for you" is what this says to me—unless perhaps Akio is descended from these people, and I just missed it?)
    - Elves are incredibly old and magical beings linked with nature~ (like we haven't seen that one before)
    - Ancient magic that hasn't been seen since, well, ancient times just so happens to be lying around in a maze that someone could hypothetically just stumble into. Or, not even so much that it's lying around, but the fact it's still in use when you're implying it hasn't been seen since presumably thousands of years ago
    - Said elf—who has only read about it in ONE BOOK—just so happens to be able to interact with said magic without any negative consequences
    - Appearance of tentacles compared to hentai. Because all tentacles are related to sex? Really?
    - Oh, and don't get me started on the box. I can see you're probably going for comedic effect of "acting casual about something dangerous" but come on. You expect me to believe a high-level representative who I'm assuming is supposed to be familiar with all these magical artifacts wouldn't be familiar with THE MOST DANGEROUS BEAST IN THE LAND Sealed Evil In A Can and thus risk letting it out of its confinement???
    - Oh, yeah, and that anime/manga description of their faces. Does not belong in high fantasy or any kind of fantasy for that matter in the way you've written it here. With the character you have being familiar with anime, a more acceptable description would be to say that his expression appeared like a particular face. Eyes don't just go white in a written media without some very good reason—like magic power, or blindness, or some other environmental effect.
    - Magic being in female form weighing the worth/character/ability of his soul.

TBH at this point I skimmed over it because the only reason I was laughing was because most of what I'd read before this was laughably overdone. I wasn't taking this story seriously anymore because you failed to establish any level of credibility with your readers for why these characters would do these things or why anything about it should be considered important and worthy of the gravity these situations should theoretically have. In short, it almost read like a crackfic (if you're not familiar with the term, google it).

Speaking of weighing a person's character—let's get into your MCs and their characterizations, shall we? Now, I will be the first to admit I had MCs like your male MC (Akio?) before. When I was about 12 to 18. Then I grew up and realized (as I just reread those writings recently, and deargod!) how egotistical, unrealistic, and poorly conceived they were. In fact, I even had courtiers with similar empty roles in support of an overpowered teenage MC who should have been way out of her league, but magically was able to do things because she was the MC, and I was writing it, so I could make her do whatever I wanted.

Which is how I know your MC is a Gary Stu. Because I've been there.

First off, see: previous mention of 'savior complex' above. Secondly, that explanation of how Earth is. I have seen this done before, and I have seen it done well, and I have seen it done poorly. This was done very poorly. Can you honestly tell me that the FIRST THING you would think of to tell someone about Earth would be "we kill it with pollutants"? Is that seriously the best way to handle what could be a sensitive subject, knowing—as he explicitly states—how keen these elves are about the topic? And Keya's reaction is similarly stereotypical anger, instead of perhaps trying to understand why a world without magic would exist in that way. Also, if she's as intelligent as she appears to be from being able to recognize magic she's only ever read about once, could she not have a civil and intelligent conversation about such an issue? Granted, it sounds like there's an issue in her history that makes her predisposed toward stonewalling anything good about the topic, but the point still stands that you could do more with this character on this issue, instead of slapping the stereotypical "elf butthurt about environmental problems".

Furthermore, is the environmental issue honestly even the first thing you'd think about? More likely, if I were Akio, I wouldn't even bring up the environmental thing, much less painting it in such an awful light. I would start with the similarities—how there's grass, and cities, and mountains, and day and night, and then slowly work into explaining how the less magical things work, and then from there move into a well-rounded, realistic discussion of the environmental impacts those things have. And that's not just because it's me, and a conscious effort to manipulate the conversation—that's what legitimately I imagine a flowing conversation based on the question "what is your homeworld like?" would go. Watch any sci-fi that involves interplanetary travel and cultural differences and study how those characters discuss their worlds. Probably, it's going to be for the more nostalgic and fond things they recall of their home, unless something about it put such a sour taste in their mouth that they have absolutely nothing good to say about it. Well-rounded is going to mean that both sides of the environmental coin will be discussed—not just dashing the reader over the head with a ginormous "ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVISM" stick. Whether that was your intention or not, that's how it read.

*sidesteps off activism soap box back onto character development*

Okay...so, getting back to actual character issues. The third thing I've noticed with Akio is the "pervert" narrative, self-inflicted. From hentai, to the conversation with Keya, to the bed incident, to breakfast the next morning, Akio is a bit all over the place. First off, why in the world does any of this—any of their interactions—have to be about sex? He even mentally tries to tell himself it's not, but then anything remotely sexual comes up, and he makes it into that. As BlueAfrica already said, how is Keya being in a nightgown in a shared bedroom around bedtime anything remotely closed to sending mixed signals? Also, the fact she's sitting crosslegged should not be nearly the amount of distraction he makes it out to be. It is entirely possible to cover up everything simply with Keya's hands in her lap pushing down the fabric, or perhaps the skirt is long enough to do that with the force of gravity. Expert source: Myself, a female who has done exactly that with various types of skirts in various company. All that says to me is she's a tomboyish woman who finds crosslegged comfortable, and that she's probably not as accustomed to sitting in a skirt so she reverts to what her muscle memory stored as her preference.

I'd also like to echo BlueAfrica again on "why does he have to think of Keya like a little girl when she geeks out over something"? I am also a grown woman and have absolutely no problems geeking out over anything I like, to include both adorable furry woodland critters, freakin' awesome and intricate magical or real life processes, and firearms. Through Akio's eyes, you are severely boxing Keya's character into a two-dimensional stick figure instead of another human being.

Minor sidebar:
She continued with both hands on her bosom

I think I know what you were trying to say here, and no. Her hands were not on her bosom. Unless you did in fact mean to say she was basically cupping her hands atop her breasts, and I can tell you with certainty (see: Myself, a female) that women don't do that in mixed company. You're looking for "hands on chest" aka the flat part above both the male and female breasts (yes, shocker, men have breasts too. It's why two people standing side by side are abreast of each other).

The cherry on the cake, though, is that whole sleep-walking-in-the-night thing you have going on with Keya. Now maybe I don't know because it was addressed earlier, but why in the world is her character climbing into bed with this guy, and why in the heck is he not way more alert and wondering what's going on than he is? If someone climbed into my bed in the middle of the night when they shouldn't be, I'd be wondering what's going on and if I should be worried about someone trying to kill me. I have actually spooked awake from a dead sleep by a friend of mine on a sleepover simply stepping into my room even though my conscious mind, before going to sleep, had been expecting it. If he's awake enough to even think how sexual he perceives those movements as being, he's more than awake enough to turn and look to see who in the world it is.

Then. THEN. You go pretty much out of your way to make the MC trip and rip her nightgown purely for the "OMG he saw me naked!!!" gag. You really could have done without this. Full stop period. It adds no value whatsoever to this story at all, nor does it do anything more than paint your MC as the victim and Keya as the unreasonable woman overreacting to waking up in bed with a man. Certainly there will be a rather high level of disorientation, but Keya is 127 and I'm sure she's experienced her sleep-walking issue before now to understand that she sometimes maybe is going to end up in awkward situations like that.

Akio's response, again, is really not necessary. The "trying to reach for someone and he trips" gag is fine—what I find entirely unbelievable is the nightgown snapping to the point where it's going to slide completely off her and show everything. First, why is she wearing something so poorly made that it couldn't withstand a couple tugs? Second, if I were her, and I felt something break, I'd be immediately trying to catch the gown and cover things that might be showing. Thirdly, if he knows it's breaking, why is he looking at her??? He just proves his own point about having a perverted mind if he looks. Which gets back into the cycle of "okay, is he perverted, or what?"

If you want to deal with sexual tension properly, don't smack the reader over the head with it. Go for a "long burn" so to speak. Relationships and clues and building of relationships like that—if indeed these characters really are supposed to end up together—relies on subtlety, something I'm even working on myself still. You started getting on the right track by saying those characters don't even know each other that well and opening that conversation, but then it immediately devolved from what could be a decent, world-building, character-building, and enlightening conversation into overt, unnecessary sexual tension and secondhand activism. If you want to get dialogue right, listen to real life people getting to know each other. Sit at a cafe one day and just take in what your ears hear (don't...get creepy about it.). Just use whatever everyday situations you normally run into and study how they talk, how the flow of conversations move from one topic to another. Think about the details of what your characters might like to know and don't be afraid to get into the nitty gritty on them, rather than speaking in generalities. I have written out whole conversations just to realize I missed something, then gone back and added a thousand words in dialogue based on that alone.

Conclusion

There is an awful lot of work to be done here to turn your writing from something dry, stereotypical, and laughable into a legitimate work that can be taken seriously. I'm sure if I read the rest of the chapters, I could find something that forms a great foundation and baseline to start rebuilding from. I know I'm doing that with the aforementioned old writing of mine. But in order to get to that point, you need to seriously reexamine your motives in writing this story, and go back to basics on character development and relationship building. I can see how an anime/manga background seems to be informing a lot of this, and I understand (as an anime/manga fan myself) how it's expressing itself in this fashion. If you want to do a dramatic/comedic mix properly, I suggest looking to Fullmetal Alchemist. If you want to do it in a novel format, I suggest doing a lot more novel reading in order to better cage your style for that medium.

Like I said, it's been a while since I've done a review, so if there's anything that come across as blunt, rude, or harsh, I apologize. However, I will not apologize for the content of my critique. I probably won't see any response to this because I'm, as I said, not around a lot, or not very often if at all, but I do wish you the best of luck with your writing endeavors.

Sincerely,

- Gladius




kman134 says...


dude. i have read a lot of fantasy novels. i have read Shannara, Lord of the Rings, and Conan the Barbarian. i have watched Fullmetal Alchemist (both the original and the newer one), One Piece, and Sword Art Online.

If you've read the other chapters, you can see that they're all the same like this one and it is suppose to be like a anime/manga seinen harem light novel as many light novels tend to be like that.



kman134 says...


if you've seen harem anime like Familiar of Zero, Rosario Vampire, High School DXD, Infinite Stratos, etc. then you would know my stories would be like that and i don't care if it's "stereotypical" and "full of tropes" because i like it as it gives the characters actual personality and if you read the other chapters you could tell the taiko and Keya's relationship was already building up.



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:01 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



I was relieved that she wasn’t talking about doing “that”. Then again, the way she was dressed would send some mixed signals.


I mean, it's bedtime, so I'm not sure how dressing in a nightgown at bedtime would be seen as "sending mixed signals"...

ANYWAY.

I giggled so much during the whole first part of this.

I wanted to decline if that was really the test because I have seen enough hentai to know what will happen next.


Fortunately, Keya and I have been paired as roommates while Grimhilda has become Leni’s. So, that means there won’t be blood spilled tonight.


ALTHOUGH I do have to question the thing with tentacles. Like, was the council member actually making a joke, and that's why he grabbed the wrong box? Or his he none too bright? I mean, I laughed, yes, but then I had to wonder how the council member managed to grab absolutely the wrong box at such a critical moment.

Okay, moving on.

I really like some of the character reactions you have in this story. In this chapter, it was these two things in particular.

She turned her attention to me while retaining her expression. She answered in astonishment, “Okay?! I’m more than okay! This summoning circle is made from magic that hasn’t been practiced since the Age of the Ancients! I’ve once read a book about ancient magic and knew that only the most prestigious of magicians can use it, but I’ve never thought I would see an example of it with my own eyes!”


“Keya, how old are you?” I asked in a puzzled tone. My eyebrows arched as I stared at her.

“I’m 127-years-old,” she said straightforwardly. Her head tilted to the side as she stared back.

My jaw immediately dropped as I gasped. I shouted, “Don’t lie to me!”

“I’m not. We elves have a very long lifespan and can live to be about 10,000 years of age.” Her expression fell blank, almost like it wasn’t a surprise that I wasn’t aware. However, I could still tell she was a little unnerved by my reaction as evident by the droplet of sweat on her temple.

Despite looking to be about my age, she was twice as older than my grandmother. I knew that elves and their immortality, but that didn’t stopped me from being taken aback because, honestly, would anyone else react differently, besides other elves?


I like seeing Keya kind of geek out over something like really old magic, especially in a world where maybe our main character figures it's probably normal. (Although on that note, it rubbed me the wrong way that the MC thinks of her as a little girl when she gets excited about things. Like, can grown women not be excited about things?) Similarly, I liked it when he freaked out about how old she really is - yes, all fantasy paints elves this way, but everyone just accepts it as a normal part of elfdom. It was interesting to actually see a human character react this way for once to someone looking waaaaaaay older than they really are. I was sort of expecting it to keep messing him up a little - like later, when Keya comes in in her nightgown, sure, he's attracted to her, but I thought maybe he'd go "but then I thought of the fact that she's twice as old as my grandma and it was weird" or something.

I think timing is something you still need some work on. Here, for example.

She trailed up with her bare feet touching the floor. My body trembled in agitation as her hand reached out and phased through my chest. The feeling of her hand was cold as ice. Suddenly, I felt an aura of blue energy shrouded around me while my sight became white. Seconds later, after I came to, everyone looked around me, giving me expressions of awe and terror.

My eyes raised in confusion. I questioned with a frown, “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

“You don’t know?! When that phantom lady touched you, you were floating with blue lights and everything! There was even a large ring of energy around you!” Grimhilda stated, having loud tone of voice with a shocked expression.

Keya quickly interjected, “After the spirit finished, she said, ‘it is good to see another one, again,’ before retreating back into the box.” She had the same expression as Hilda’s on her face. She added in a somber tone, “I’m just happy you weren’t hurt in the end.”

Apparently, during my “examination”, the representatives told Grimhilda and Keya that if it didn’t go thoroughly, then I would have died from immolation. I shivered at the thought of my body self-combusting and turning into ash. At that moment, everything went silent.


So from the MC's perspective, the moment with the Oracle is just that - a moment. But everyone else says alllllll this other stuff happened, making it sound like actually quite a lot of time has passed. Which is fine - it makes sense to me that the MC would have experienced it as if it passed in a second while actually it took some time. However, I'd at least like to see some confusion/disorientation, like "What do you mean, all this other junk happened? She literally only touched me for a second!" and then everyone else like, "Um, no, dude, you were out for like half an hour."

Also, instead of doing things like "half an hour later," you can just use a line/scene break. That way we'll know it's later, but we don't really need to know how much so. It's just kind of awkward to do things like "half an hour later," especially when it's not consistent.

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kman134 says...


sometimes, the boxes tend to look the same and have the same symbol on them. so, they would have them mixed up.



BluesClues says...


Oh, okay. You might want to clarify that in the story!



kman134 says...


already did. the only difference of the boxes it that one has silver laces while the right one has gold.



kman134 says...


Also, thanks for pointing out the nightgown and roommate part, i almost overlooked that. I meant to say that the way Keya was nervously talking and how sexy her nightgown looked kind of sent some mixed signals.

Nightgowns for elf girls would resemble silk lingerie.




'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights