z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Ashura: A World of Sword and Magic Chapter 11

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

“I can’t believe you actually are the messiah? I just thought that was a myth,” Grimhilda remarked. She was strolling beside me on my right while looking up at me.

It was hard to take her seriously due to her picking her nose and flicking whatever she found, which made me cringe in disgust.

Shaking the feeling off, I shrugged my shoulders and flashed a half-hearted grin. I corrected her, “It’s not really official. So, I’m not sure if I’m the messiah, or not.”

“Well, from seeing you in action, I am certain that you are indeed the chosen one,” Keya assured. The smile on her face was small, yet very heartwarming as her cheeks turned red from her flattery.

I smiled back as I rubbed the back of my head. However, I stopped after hearing Grimhilda groan in irritation.

Turning back, I asked, “So, Grimhilda, you don’t believe in a messiah. Does that make you an atheist?”

Grimhilda waved a hand before interjecting an “eh”. She stated earnestly, “Not really. I believe in the gods of my ancestors, I just find the whole ‘savior of the world’ thing ridiculous.” Her face cringed while shivering. Then she continued, “then again, after the whole debacle with the undead yesterday, I might need to keep an open eye.”

I chuckled as I shook my head, seeing how cute Grimhilda’s timid expression was. I wanted to mention that to her, but I was afraid she’ll hit me below the belt if I do so.

Walking through the city, our feet treated across the cobblestone road, looking around and taking note at how much the city had fallen apart. As I said before, Arcadia was in ruin with gaping holes in the skyscrapers and nature retaking the land from the manmade constructs. However, that wasn’t the only thing that infested the city. Looking up, I noticed a menagerie of various animals such as birds and wolves. Luckily, we made sure to keep our distance without alerting their attention.

Strolling next to Leni, I turned to her before looking back. Then I asked, “how long is it until we get there?”

We’ve been wandering the city for an hour since we hiked down the cliff and that was the one rational question that popped into my head.

“We’ll be there shortly. Right now, we have to make sure we don’t alert the…” a loud howl came from the distance, sending shivers down our spine as it grew louder. Leni’s voice trailed as she continued, “…wolves. Ah, oh.”

From left to right, a large pack of wolves appeared around us, staring at us with hungry eyes and getting ready to attack.

“This isn’t going to end well,” I remarked.

We’ all got ready to fight. I drew my sword and held it in defense while my face glared in determination. Then the wolves charged. Three came at me with their fangs reeling to bite. I quickly swung the Blade of Accord below their stomach, watching them bleed until one of them sunk its’ teeth against my leg. I wreathed in pain before kicking the wolf off. I could feel the blood seeping out from the teeth marks on the back of my leg. I slashed underneath as five more wolves came right at me, enabling me to maim their legs before they could strike. I tried my best to hold back, only grazing and maiming the creatures until they ran away. However, I wasn’t sure how long I could manage doing so.

Looking over, I saw that Keya, Grimhilda, and Leni were having the same level of difficulty as I was. Raising her staff, the elf girl chanted something arcane and Mystical before lightning surged through her fingers and electrocuting seven wolves coming towards her. She seemed to have gotten a hang of using that [Lightning] spell, apparently. Suddenly, one leaped up to her, but she quickly repelled it by holding her staff up as it sunk its’ teeth onto the wood.

She was terrified with her eyes bulging. She screamed, “The way they are attacking us is so violent and powerful?! Normal wolves shouldn’t be able to have such feasts” she managed to fling the wolf off her staff. However, three more came in its place as her guard was left open.

“Quit yer griping, princess! This is the best fun I’ve ever had!” cheered Grimhilda. Swinging her war hammer, she was able to take out five wolves at once without receiving a scratch on her face.

Suddenly, one of the wolf’s claws slashed against her right cheek, leaving a small mark as it bled. She cringed in agony while holding her hand up against it before one of them pounced on top of her.

“Hilda!” Keya and I screamed in unison.

Our faces widened in shock as we tried to reach to Grimhilda’s side. I managed to stay as calm as possible. I didn’t want a repeat of what happened earlier at the goblin village. The dwarf girl blocked the creature with the handle of her war hammer. She was terrified. I could see it in her face. Keya arrived on time, knocking the beast off of her while having a fierce look on her face.

“Now, we’re even,” she asserted.

Grimhilda was left baffled, but snapped out of it as Keya helped her get back on her feet. I watched them resume their fight as we made our stand against the wolves. Suddenly, I heard an unfamiliar battle cry coming from behind me. I turned around and saw Leni holding twin daggers in her hand while charging into the fight, acrobatically leaping away from the beasts’ strikes before landing several piercing blows against their backs and abdomens. I could see so much ruthlessness in such a small girl as she unleashed it onto the wolves.

“Damn, girl! I did you learn to do that?!” I asked with my mouth gape. I quickly struck one of the wolves in the abdomen, leaving it bleeding as it ran away in fear.

“Let’s just say that there is a lot of training to do when you are an envoy to the Human Coalition!” she concluded, gritting her teeth while having a fierce glare. She was taken aback by one of the wolves’ attacks, but was able to block it on time.

There were too many of them. We were unable to keep up against the cur as they advanced further in numbers. By that time, I was afraid of losing hope and only one thing to turn to. Please, God, If you are up there, then get off your lazy ass and do your damn job! If faith doesn’t work, then I was out of options

Suddenly, we saw a bright yellow light flashing into the air, which somehow caused the wolves to stop. Then they’ all began to dash away from us and retreated into the city, all at once. We were all left befuddled by such a spectacle. Just one flash of light caused hundreds of wolves to skirmish back into the ruins without any sign of returning. The only wolves that remained were the ones that were either injured, or dead, which the pack didn’t bother to take care of and just left them all behind.

“Finally! You have arrived! It’s a good thing I signaled the ‘parere wolves’ to cease their attack, or else they would have torn you’ all limb from limb. We set up that little test to see if the true messiah would be able to deal with such a small obstacle, but I can see you have managed just fine as we expected.”

All four of us turned and looked up to the balcony of the skyscraper behind us, which had much of its’ top removed with only six of its’ floors still intact. Staring down at us was a figure dressed in a red robe with its’ face concealed under a red hood. Her hands glowed the same color as the ball of light that flashed before, meaning that she was responsible for creating it.

“We have been waiting for days for you to arrive. Leni. Do you have anything to say for this inconvenience?” the hooded figure questioned. The figure’s voice sounded very posh and feminine.

Leni eyes widened when she looked up with her mouth falling completely agape. Her body started trembling as the grip on the handles of her daggers loosened and both blades fell onto the ground.

The rest of us remained calm, yet stern, while looking at the robed figure. From the state Leni was in, I could tell this person was a member of the Human Coalition and possibly someone in a very higher up position.

“R-Representative Almas! Forgive me for the prolongation of my arrival, but I needed to make sure that I brought the right messiah, ma’am!” Leni apologized with a stutter. She knelt down with her face staring at the ground. I noticed beads of sweat falling from the Halfling girl’s face as her lips quivered in trepidations. I was right. This woman must have a high position to make someone like Leni grovel on her feet.

Waving a hand, Representative Almas dismissed her before pulling down her hood, revealing a very stern demeanor with short brown hair and green eyes. Then she remarked, “There is no time for that. We will discuss your incompetence later. For now, the rest of the council is waiting to meet the messiah.”

“Of course, your ladyship. I will bring them in, at once.”

With a nod of he head, Leni stood up and began moving into the tower. Grimhilda, Keya, and I followed behind her, trudging through the double doors as we became astounded by the extravagant décor surrounding us. The wallpaper was colored salmon with a golden floral pattern that amplified the aestheticism of it. On the floor, there was a crimson carpet and hanging on the ceiling were silver chandelier with diamonds hanging on them as the candles lit to bring light throughout the hallway. I assume that the tower must have been built for socialites for some form of gathering.

“This way.”

The representative guided us down a spiraling staircase behind a 15-foot-tall door made of what appeared to be oak with a silver frame and two knobs with rubies embedded. We climbed down for 30 minutes. It felt like it was reaching deeper into the earth’s crust, descending about 2 miles without stopping.

Finally, we arrived to the bottom and compared to up top, we were surrounded by gray stonewalls that have been moist and weathered from the hands of time while moss and mushrooms grew from the lower and/or upper areas. Even the floor was wet with some of the water still lingering.

“What is this place?” I asked.

“This is where you’ll meet the rest of the council,” answered Representative Almas. She didn’t turn her attention towards me as she continued walking with the sound of her heels echoing throughout the corridor.

At the end of the hallway, we’ all sauntered into a capacious room that was the size of a sports arena. Lights shined all around us from the ceiling.

I held my hand up to my eyes, shielding them from the room’s luminosity.

“It’s so bright! It’s like staring at the sun!” I heard Keya squealed as she cringed in pain.

“Yeah! Can you cut off the lights! I think my eyes are starting to bleed!” Grimhilda demanded. She hid behind the elf girl to give herself some shade.

Finally, the lights began to die down and we’ all could see clearly now. It was being emitted by a large crystal that was hanging on the ceiling, glowing intensively based on Representative Almas’ hand gestures. Suddenly, I saw eleven figures appearing before us on top of a balcony, staring down on us with their faces covered under their hoods.

“Finally, you have arrived! To think, we were giving up hope that you would show up!”

Removing his hood, one of the other representatives removed his hood, exposing his large fat face before fixing the comb over on his head.

He continued, “I am Representative Kar from the Kingdom of Gallia, and the head of the Human Coalition’s Council! Welcome, heroes, to our main chambers!”

“You have already met the wolf queen Representative Almas of the Kingdom of Gehasst. Let’s let the others introduce themselves to you,” he stated with a gesture of his hand to his colleagues. One by one, the fat man began introducing each representative to us, addressing both their names and countries they represented.

Once they had finished, we started introducing ourselves as well. I walked up and said in a calm, yet loud, tone of voice, “My name is Akio Yamazaki from the planet Earth. I’m the warrior and leader of this party and apparently I’m your messiah.”

Keya moved foreword and curtseyed with a smile on her face. When she spoke at them, her voice was very polite and august with an earnest expression, “Salutations. I am Keya Aieandora of the Elven Kingdom of Ero Yalth and mage of this party. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

Grimhilda’s introduction, on the other hand, didn’t really make a good impression for all of us. Placing her war hammer on the ground, she slid her hands into her pocket and swaggered up with a bored expression on her face. She held her hand up and shouted with a large monkey grin, “Oi! The name’s Grimhilda, daughter of Svorg the War King and granddaughter of Tornstein the great forger! This is the first time I’ve met the old farts that run this shitty organization!”

Me and Keya’s jaws immediately dropped to the ground, gasping a long exacerbated breath until our eyes turned white and the areas of our eyes became blue with shock. We quickly grabbed her and covered her mouth, dragging her away and covered her mouth before she said anything else while we apologized to the council as we bowed our heads.

From the look on their faces, they were not amused in the slightest, glaring daggers at the dwarf girl and, presumably, at us for not keeping an eye on Grimhilda’s big mouth.

Seething with rage, I looked at the dwarf girl while gritting my teeth. I admonished in an inaudible tone, “What the hell was that all about?!”

My hands were still on her shoulder, feeling her body tensed up with her cheeks turning a little red. Since she’s a young woman, or a crazy girl-child, I guess being touched by a boy would make her feel uncomfortable.

“I’m j-just speaking my mind out, that’s all! Is that a problem?!” she argued. Her lips pursed in annoyance as her eyes beamed directly at mine.

I exhaled my breath and placed the palm against my face. I looked away from Grimhilda and back to the council.

Their faces were left unchanged. The biggest rule when it comes to nobility is to not get them angry or there will be major repercussions. The atmosphere was starting to get tensed, as everyone remained silent. Luckily, I saw Leni able to break the ice.

Clasping her hands, she sauntered over and grinned earnestly. Then she suggested with a droplet of sweat forming on her temple, “So…shall we get started with the tests?”

Representative Kar brushed his fingers against his mustache as he let out a huff. Furrowing his brow, he agreed with a stern demeanor, “Indeed. Let us begin with the initiation to see if you are truly the messiah we have summoned to this world.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
65 Reviews


Points: 11426
Reviews: 65

Donate
Fri May 19, 2017 2:47 pm
occymay wrote a review...



Hello again!

Sorry, this took me so long to review, I have been very busy with work and keeping up with my own writing. I'll try to get to it quicker next time, anyway let's get onto the review :)


I think I agree with BlueAfrica, Grimhilda is my favourite character so far. Her introduction brilliant and so consistent with her character but it's not boring because it's so strong and funny. Though I don't think you need to tell us that it was a response she would make because we already know. I would just start her introduction with her putting her war hammer down.

I feel that this chapter is sort of let down by huge amounts of telling. For example, you tell us that people have a stern face but you could show us that by a furrowed brow, the set line of their mouth, the way they speak.

I think that the scene with the wolves needs work, I feel that it could be much more intense and dramatic. I think it would help with what BlueAfrica said about how it felt like action for the sake of action. It would give it a bit more of a place in the chapter. You could do this by describing the howls in the distance that get louder, showing the characters fear, prolonging the fight a bit more and leaving more of an aftermath of the battle. Also, maybe take out the line where they say wolves don't normally attack people.

Some small nitpicks, you don't need to say everyone's names, I actually skipped past that bit. You can just say they introduce themselves because no one is going to remember all those names. You start both representative's dialogue with "Finally, you have arrived!". I feel that it would be much cooler for the wolves to be one of the tests and then start the next chapter with the introduction though that's just a thought.

Other than that, it was a good chapter. Happy writing ^_^




kman134 says...


i can understand why people would like Grimhilda, being a strong female character. however, the other characters i'm unsure if they are likable. is there anyway to improve on them?



occymay says...


Hmm, this is something I struggle on as well so I don't know how much I can help. One thing I will point to you is the writing tutorials on the knowledge base which you will find in forum tab. I don't know if you have already look on there but they have some helpful character development articles. Outlining detailed character personalities can help as well because it gives you something to look at when writing. It can also help you with new ideas for their personalities and then you can think about which ones you want to explore when writing. I hoped this helped :)



kman134 says...


thanks. also, sorry if the chapter wasn't much like last time. i was busy when i started writing it. so, i did warn people that it was going to be a rush job.



occymay says...


That's okay :)



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Wed May 17, 2017 6:11 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



As ever, Grimhilda is my favorite.

“Quit yer griping, princess! This is the best fun I’ve ever had!” cheered Grimhilda.


“Yeah! Can you cut off the lights! I think my eyes are starting to bleed!” Grimhilda demanded. She hid behind the elf girl to give herself some shade.


She held her hand up and shouted with a large monkey grin, “Oi! The name’s Grimhilda, daughter of Svorg the War King and granddaughter of Tornstein the great forger! This is the first time I’ve met the old farts that run this organization!”


I question the whole bit with the wolves, though. It comes out of nowhere and disappears just as quickly. That plus the line about "what??? wolves don't even normally attack people!!!" makes it seem like excitement for the sake of excitement.

“We’ll be there shortly. Right now, we have to make sure we don’t alert the…” a loud growl surrounded us. Leni’s voice trailed as she continued, “…wolves. Ah, oh.”

From left to right, a large pack of wolves appeared around us, staring at us with hungry eyes and getting ready to attack.


Not that you can't have some bits in your story where there's danger not directly connected to the plot, just to mess your characters up a bit, but it shouldn't feel like that's why it's there. It should make sense that it's happening - they're crossing through territory that's known to be dangerous or running across some baddies because it simply can't be helped.

Plus this part's excitement ends just as randomly as it began.

Just then, we saw a bright yellow light flashing into the air, which somehow caused the wolves to stop. Then they’ all began to dash away from us and retreated into the city, all at once. We were all left befuddled by such a spectacle. Just one flash of light caused hundreds of wolves to skirmish back into the ruins without any sign of returning. The only wolves that remained were the ones that were either injured, or dead, which the pack didn’t bother to take care of and just left them all behind.

“Finally! You have arrived! It’s a good thing I signaled the ‘parere wolves’ to cease their attack, or else they would have torn you’ all limb from limb.”


If these people want the messiah to show up and save the world, you'd think they'd be quicker about calling off wolves, since those are their wolves.

Don't worry so much about adding random attacks here for the sake of excitement! Akio's already on his way to meet some people who think he might be able to save the world. That's pretty exciting. Or else make it clearer early on that the council has a bunch of wolves they just let run loose even when they're expecting guests. Or something.

I did want to say, however, that I think you did a better job in this chapter with showing and drawing things out, as well as description. I thought this was a particular improvement.

The representative guided us down a spiraling staircase behind a 15-foot-tall door made of what appeared to be oak with a silver frame and two knobs with rubies embedded. We climbed down for 30 minutes. It felt like it was reaching deeper into the earth’s crust, descending about 2 miles without stopping.

Finally, we arrived to the bottom and compared to up top, we were surrounded by gray stonewalls that have been moist and weathered from the hands of time while moss and mushrooms grew from the lower and/or upper areas. Even the floor was wet with some of the water still lingering.


But you could definitely cut down on the council introductions - we can't keep track of so many characters when they're introduced all at once!

Image




kman134 says...


yeah, the wolves are suppose to be like the council's guard dogs who patrol the city. they were trained to tear the flesh out of any stranger that isn't one of the councilmen who wanders into the city. they can tell the difference by smell.




That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee