z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Ashura: A World of Sword and Magic Chapter 2

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

I was taken aback by the dark apparition before me, terrified by its' very presence. I face-palmed while flashing an irritated glare.

Oh, that's right, this is a fantasy world! My world's logic doesn't apply!

The doppelganger raised its' sword up and charged, swinging at me with such precision that it was hard to dodge. I gripped the hilt of the sword. All I could hope for is if my kendo skills are good enough against myself.

"Be careful! Shadow Doppelgangers can mimic the moves of the person they are a part of!" Keya shouted informatively.

She was standing far away from the fight. It was relieving to know she found some cover because she didn't look much like a fighter. Then again, appearances are deceiving.

The doppelganger charged again, lifting its' sword up before striking down. I managed to block the attack, pushing me back while sparks flew from my blade. It cocked its' arm and parried its' sword. I evaded the doppelganger's move and swung my blade at its' head. However, the shadow creature blocked and brought me into a stalemate. Suddenly, I felt the creature's swift kick against my abdomen, pushing me to the ground. I coughed before standing back.

"This is harder than I thought!" I muttered to myself.

If it were an MMORPG game, it would have been over in just a minute. But this was not a game. My eyes widened in shock. The doppelganger was about to strike. I picked myself up and gripped my sword as I regained my battle stance. We both changed at each other at once. Clash! Our blades struck once more. This time, the blow was so powerful; it sent a slight shockwave throughout the area.

"Had enough yet?!" I said fiercely to the doppelganger.

It didn't respond. It just remained silent. Before it could make its' next move, I pushed the shadow back and thrust my blade forward, hoping to pierce through its' heart. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my forearm. I looked and saw the creature's blade penetrating the skin. I screamed in pain, feeling the blood flow out of my arm as it pulled back. I was angry, but not like before. I was becoming enraged. Seething in agony, I gritted my teeth as started getting angrier and angrier. Then, everything turned red. With a bellowing roar, I sprinted and swung my sword. It tried to block but, this time, its' attempts were all in vain. The blade glowed of a red light and with one strike, the shadow's blade came flying out of its' hands. With one thrust, I pierced through its' heart. I watched it dissipate before my eyes.

I breathed heavily and saw my vision becoming clear. Afterwards, in a matter of seconds, the sky returned to being blue and the forest, and the fields, returned to normal. I didn't know what had happened. I was fighting my shadow, and the next thing I know I had become stronger and faster than I was before. Suddenly, a deep surge appeared, causing me to drop the sword in my hand and grasp my upper right arm.

"Ah!" I screamed excruciatingly.

Throughout my entire life, I have never been stabbed. Sure, there were the occasional cuts and bruises from accidents, kendo trainings, and from getting into scuffles with the high school yanki's. However, this was a different feeling.

"Akio, hang on!"

I snapped my head and saw Keya running as fast as she could. She crouched down beside me and told me to give her my arm. She started rubbing the wound, disregarding the blood staining her hand. I seethed when I felt her apply pressure.

However, I was stunned to see a green light flashing from her hand.

She stated attentively, "This will only take a second. The healing spell takes a lot of focus."

She removed her hand. I looked and was astonished to see the wound on my arm was completely healed.

"Thanks. You save my life," I said in gratitude.

She shrugged and smiled.

"It was no big deal! I would've used my healing ability on anyone who's injured, or ill!" she replied, waving a hand nonchalant while her cheeks turned red.

Smiling, I couldn't help but pat her on the back in thanks. I turned to see the sword face flat on the floor. I reached in, grabbed it by the hilt, and held it up to admire its' design.

"Well, at least I won't be using the branch, and you didn't have to spend anything on weapons, Keya," I mused, flashing a half-hearted grin as I placed the Blade of Accord into my belt.

Since I didn't have a scabbard, putting it there would suffice. I just hoped the blade didn't cut through the leather.

Walking up to my side, Keya added in awe, "I was amazed that you were able to unlock [Rage] on your first challenge! Usually, it takes level 1 warriors days before being able to use it!"

"What's [Rage]?"

"It's a class trait, common among the warrior class. It allows the user to challenge his rage and fury throughout their body, giving them enhanced strength and speed but only for about 60 seconds," she lectured analytically.

That sounds oddly like the super-saiyan transformation from Dragon Ball Z!

"What about your healing powers? Is that all part of being a magician, or did you have to learn to use it?" I questioned, pointing at Keya's ability.

She corrected me in a straightforward manner, "Actually, the healing spell was taught to me by the palace's private healers. However, I haven't fully mastered it and it takes a lot out of me." the tone of her voice contained hints of fatigue.

Later, Keya and I continued on foot, getting back on the cobble stone road. Frankly, we should have stayed in town and checked into an inn. The sun was beginning to set.

Turning to Keya, I asked, "How far is the next town?"

She answered, "About 3 miles."

That was a good thing to hear, meaning we didn't have to camp in the middle of nowhere. Also, I wouldn't know the first thing about setting up a camp to begin with. 1-hour-later, we made it to the town of "Kor". My legs were getting tired and were about to give out. Keya wasn't looking so good either. She leaned against my shoulder, using me to support her exhausted body. Luckily, the inn wasn't too far from us. In fact, it was close to the entrance. It was probably built close by, so to attract more customers better.

We waltzed right in, signed us into a room, and paid the innkeeper at the check-in counter. Unfortunately, there was only one room vacant, at the moment. Not really much of a problem as long as there was an extra bed. However, that was not the case.

The two of us sauntered into the first door on the left. As we entered, we discovered the room was a little small, and that there was only one bed!

Wait! I have to share a bed with Keya?! The thought about it was both exciting and horrendous. For starters, she was a girl and I was a boy, meaning it would be too uncomfortable for both of us the entire night. Even though I've only known Keya for a few hours, I could tell she was innocent. She wouldn't forgive me if I took advantage of her. Taking a glimpse, I could tell she was just as embarrassed as I was, noticing her flushed red face and flabbergasted gaze.

Maybe I should sleep on the floor. Then again, there doesn't seem to be any extra sheets and since this isn't a hotel, I doubt they would have any at the front desk.

"W-well, let's get ready for bed, s-shall we?!"

I was snapped out of my train of thought by Keya's voice. Turning to her, I watched her walked over and started moving the sheets back.

"Come now, these sheets aren't going to move themselves!" she demanded, gesturing me for help.

She was pretending to not be embarrassed, but I could still tell it on her face. I strolled over and began helping. Keya's hand fidgeted as she pulled back the covers. I could feel the vibration emitting throughout the fabric. Sweat started dripping from her face in agitation. I placed a hand on hers. Keya tensed up and turned her attention toward me.

I smiled and assured, "Don't worry, Keya! I'll be sure not to do anything dirty to you!" I couldn't help but chuckle at the end. I just wished she bought into my facade because, at the same time, I was freaking out.

Keya chuckled, also. She smiled reassuringly and moved her hand out.

"I-I know you won't. I'm just nervous because…this is my first time sharing a bed with a boy," she claimed, fidgeting with her fingers like a shy schoolgirl. She snapped out and continued while stuttering, "N-not that there's anything wrong with you! I-I mean, you're very attractive and n-nice, b-but it's just…I mean…"

I interrupted her breakdown, raising my hand up in a nonthreatening manner and said to her, albeit taken back, "Okay! I get it! Please, don't force yourself to say it!" honestly, I'm just as nervous as you are!

After the bed was finally set up, Key asked me to leave the room to give her privacy to change. I wondered: did she pack her pajamas in her rucksack?

So, I waited outside of the room until she finished changing.

"Okay! You can come back in!"

I strolled back into the room and was bewildered by the site before me. Standing in the middle of the room, Keya was dressed in a silver nightgown that stretched passed her thighs, and nothing else. My face immediately turned red and I felt my nostril dripping blood.

Keya cringed after seeing the blood from my nose. Snapping out of my daze, I wiped my nose with my sleeves, clapped my hands, and put on a fake smile.

"W-we should probably hit the hay! Early to bed; early to rise, as the saying goes!" I remarked fastidiously.

"Y-yes! We should get right to sleep! We have a busy day tomorrow!" She concurred, having the same embarrassed expression as me.

I took off my jacket, boots, and pants, which was usually how I slept. After turning off the lights, Keya and I crawled into bed together. We faced away from each other, trying to make the situation less awkward as possible.

We couldn't sleep. The feeling of each other's warmth under the sheets kept the two of us awake. I turned slowly; enough to see the back of Keya's head, but not enough to alert the elf girl.

"Hey, Keya…are you awake?"

"Yes."

"Just making sure."

Then, something came to mind.

"By the way, Keya. What…are we doing tomorrow?" I questioned puzzlingly.

She answered, turning to face me, "Oh! Well, tomorrow, we're going to the nearest guild office in town to sign us up to become official warriors and magicians. That way, when we're out adventuring and honing our skills, we could make money from the bounty we've collected along the way."

That made sense because it's common in games to register in guilds. That way, players can gather wealth and fame from their exploits. Until I learn a way to return home, I should sign up and be a warrior. After we talked, we finally went to sleep, falling deep into slumber as my vision went dark.

The next morning, the sun shined through the window. The sounds of bird's chirping ringed in my ear. My eyes fluttered, only to gasp when I found myself snuggled up against the elven mage.

What the fuck?! Why the hell are my arms around Keya!? Oh god, I need to fix this before she wakes up!

My eyes bulged as beads of sweat fell from my face. Slowly, I moved my right hand away from her. Hell, even the way we were positioned was raunchy. I could even see a nipple hanging out from her nightgown, no that the dress wasn't too revealing to begin with. I tried to escape without alarming the sleeping elf girl. Unfortunately, my left hand was pinned by Keya's side. So, with caution, I gingerly slid the other arm out but right when it was all the way out, Keya's eyes flew open and met with my own. The atmosphere grew tense. She looked around, probably noticing how close I was standing over her and how close my face was to hers. She gasped, letting out a loud scream wither face turned red and before I had the chance to explain, a flash of blue light emanated from Keya, blowing up the entire room around us.

45-minutes-later…

We were sitting in the corner of the inn's tavern, facing each other while we ate. I was eating of eggs, bacon, and bread while Keya was eating just eggs and bread.

Like yesterday's lunch, she refused to eat anything with meat. I asked her why she didn't want bacon. She explained that elves are vegetarians and possess a deep bond with the earth, meaning that eating meat was a major taboo amongst elven society. After that, Keya and I didn't speak. She was still mad at the ordeal that happened earlier.

"Look, Keya, I told you. Nothing happened. I accidentally slept on your side and I was just trying to move away before you woke up…"

"So, it WAS your intention to touch my body, wasn't it?!" She accused judgmentally.

I was trying to explain, but it just made the situation worst.

"N-no! I didn't mean it to happen! It just happened! I would never have my way with you! Honest!" I pleaded as best as I could.

Instead of saying anything, Keya glared at me. It felt like she was piercing me with daggers from her gaze. Then she took a deep breath and responded calmly, "I believe you. I can tell from your eyes that you wouldn't do anything indecent, on purpose."

That brought me relief to hear.

"However, that doesn't mean I've forgiven you," she continued seriously, waving her index finger like an instructor. "After we register at the local adventurer's guild, you're going to have to treat me to something…special."

I didn't really like the sound of that. Frankly, I would do anything to put an end to the misunderstanding. However, didn't have any cash to afford to treat her.

Keya beamed, giving me a devious smirk.

"You're thinking that since you don't have any money, how would you treat me? Don't worry, after you sign up, the guild masters will provide you with a 50 copper coin starter loan to set you off. Once you receive it, I'll be sure to tell you what we'll be doing with it."

After we finished breakfast, we checked out and headed to the guild. Unfortunately, due to the damage we caused to the room, half of the money we had was spent for the repairs. That nearly left us broke.

We walked out of the inn and strolled up the street.

The adventurer's guild was about a block away from where the inn was. It only took us 12 minutes to arrive but when we got there, the place was packed. The inside of the guild was filled with wooden support beams, having white walls and lanterns hanging on the ceiling. There were even blue flags with a horizontal white line and three golden lions, hanging between the beams.

This is going to take a while. And it did, about an hour, to be précised. Once we made it to the front where Keya and I signed a bunch of paper work.

"Name: Akio Yamazaki. Age: 17. Race: Human..."

God! it was tedious! After we were done, they then branded the back of our hands with a symbol of an X inside a circle. We were now officially guild members and certified adventurers. Despite the agonizing wait and the uncomfortable number of documents needed to sign, it was all worth it.

"So, what now?" I asked as Keya and I exited the guild house.

"Now, we just have to find a job on the quest bulletin board, but before that, you still owe me a treat."

I was hoping she would've forgotten about that promise. Maybe elves have better memories than humans, I guess. Instead of protesting, I complied and let Keya guided me on where we needed to go.


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Thu May 04, 2017 3:54 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
I read your first chapter and absolutely loved it! You have a talent for this genre of writing. However, I did see some things is didn't like in this chapter and some of it was in my other review of the first chapter,
Slow down you are rushing when you write and over explaining some things and under explaining other things. Watch out for stereotypes when you are writing as well they can make your characters shallow and your story cheesy. I really wanted the fight scene a the end to be longer and more fighty if you know what i mean.
Over all good job, love the action love the characters if you just take care of the stereotypes, love the storyline.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




kman134 says...


what are the stereotypes in the chapter?



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Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:51 am
Omni wrote a review...



Hey there kman! I haven't read the first chapter yet, but let's get right into this.

I was taken aback by the dark apparition before me, terrified by its’ very presence. I face-palmed while flashing an irritated glare.


its here doesn't need an apostrophe. The rules is (it's = it is, its = ownership).

“This is harder than I thought!” I muttered to myself.


Your descriptions on your dialogue (with this one and one earlier) are a little unneeded, as they explain too much on what's going on. The reader can interpret that if someone spouts out information, they're doing so informatively. The reader can interpret that if the narrator is muttering, they only want themselves to hear it.

If it were an MMORPG game, it would have been over in just a minute. But this was not a game.


I'm a little confused as to why this was put in. This implies that it's not a game, but instead real life, although earlier in this chapter it was said that this isn't the narrator's world, so "real life" logic doesn't apply. So while this isn't an MMORPG, it also isn't normal.

This time, the blow was so powerful; it sent a slight shockwave throughout the area.


Yeah see this supports what I'm saying above. Shockwaves from fighting are really "MMORPG-like." If you wanted to say that this fight wasn't like what he expected, like this:

I had expected this fight to end quickly, but, this isn't my world. I had tp keep remind myself that.


^This goes along with what you wanted ie: not what was expected and that the fight drew on, while also, instead of contradicting yourself, you actually support what the narrator said at the beginning of this chapter, that it wasn't their world.

“Ah!” I screamed excruciatingly.


This goes along with what I said earlier, but beware the trap of adverbs. At first glance, they seem like they add something to a sentence, but they actually weaken the verb they're modifying. This is a quick and clear article about the dangers of adverbs.

“It was no big deal! I would've used my healing ability on anyone who's injured, or ill!” she replied, waving a hand nonchalant while her cheeks turned red.


I noticed from the snippet before clicking on this that this is an anime/manga world. Love it hate it, anime is filled with tropes and cliches (personally it's one of the things I can't stand about the medium) and one of them includes this damsel-in-distress subtrope, where the female is the healer. You also see it in the Five-Man Band trope, where the female is the Heart, and that can often be represented through their magic. While these cliches work in anime, they don't in stories because they're often very stereotypical and often offensive. While this is only the second chapter, I warn you against making this the only trait Keya has.

Hell, even the way were positioned was raunchy.


"even the way they were*"

no that the dress wasn’t too revealing to begin with.


I'm guessing you meant "even though the dress..."?


General Thoughts

There was a review before this that complimented your action, and I have to agree with that. I myself have trouble with it because I just want to explain too much and the action ends up being slow and muddled. This wasn't the case here, though.

Be careful with adverbs and how you describe the characters' actions and dialogue. I talked about it more above but often just using strong and vivid verbs instead of weaker ones with adverbs attached to them.

Also, be careful with the use of stereotypes and cliches when writing. You'll fall into the hole of making this story cheesy and even offensive to some people. While you'll never appease everyone, I don't think knowingly tacking on stereotypes to make shallow characters is a good idea. I see that you have multiple chapters so I'll try to review those when I get a chance. Until then, keep writing and I hope this helped! <3




kman134 says...


Keya's healing abilities are one of the small aspects of her powers. in the first chapter and others, she has more than one powers such as summoning lighting and fire.

Honestly, i just love the J.R.R. Tolkein elves and Shannara elves, which the elves in this story were inspired by. i know, the whole healing power thing is a cliche, but it's a perfect cliche for Keya since she is an elf.



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Thu Dec 29, 2016 6:53 am
EvangelineFire wrote a review...



Here I am again and this is going to be a pretty short review. :) Let's jump right in.


Last chapter there was a fight scene, but because it was so short I wanted to hold off giving any sort of critique on it. This chapter, however, there's a rather big fight scene and I'd just like to take a moment to say that you are really good at describing fight scenes. This is probably is a little shocking to hear, considering my previous reviews have been pretty negative (sorry), but I just wanted to let you know that you're doing it right.

Back to normal though, I don't really like Keya's character. She's just the stereotypical chick in a harem story, innocent, easily embarrassed, and basically perfect. Does she have a hobby? What about her family? Is she particularly good at anything? What is she bad at? You have to give me something, because right now she's just like every other girl in these stories--flat and one-dimensional.

Well, not much at all happened in this chapter and I don't really have anything else to say. I'd prefer something more exciting and the more I read the more I realize that this wasn't what I thought it was when I first starting reading. (I didn't read the description.) So yeah. I'm more interested in a dangerous plot and exciting characters.

On a joking note, where are all the girls? It's a harem, right, so why's there only one? ;)

Have a good day/night!

- EvangelineFire <3




kman134 says...


Every harem manga starts off with one girl for the first three to four chapters. then you get more girls. chapter six will have a dwarf girl joining in.

Also, Keya starts off flat because i needed time to work on her character later. chapter 3 shows her slightly vindictive side and chapter 4 and 5 will show her depressed traumatic side. she does have a hobby in wood carving as she can make animal figurines, but i'm not sure if that is a suitable hobby for an elf. she good, and bad, at using magic. her family is on the royal side with her sibling being stuck up and her father being old and strict.





Yeah, I don't read harem manga stories so I wouldn't really know.

And I wasn't meaning for you to answer all those questions I had for Keya, lol. xD I was just showing you how you could better give her more character and development.



kman134 says...


i know. i just wanted to give you a preview of it.



kman134 says...


her character, i mean.




if ya mention chickens, i have to show up, that is the law.
— alliyah