z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Ashura: A World of Sword and Magic Chapter 3

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

1 day ago…

"Where the hell is he? Where is the hero?!"

Somewhere on another part of the continent, twelve men and women stood in front of the edge of a large glowing pentagram dressed in black robes that concealed their faces. In the pentagram was, not only an inverted star, but also a ring of strange writings and orbs with symbols of the elements at the end of each tip.

"We've read the incantation correctly, so where is the hero!?"

One of the men and women vented angrily. Something had gone array and much murmurs of dismay began echoing throughout the room.

"Calm down, Representative Kar! You know the summoning spell is fickle! It's unknown where the hero had been teleported to, but what we do know is that it was a success! The hero has been summoned to our world! If he hadn't, then the circle wouldn't be glowing right now!" Remarked the second man beside the first man, Representative Kar.

"Oh no, this isn't good, at all! Without knowing where the hero is, then we won't have enough time to prepare for the Dark Lord's arrival!"

One of the female members in the circle became hectic, trembling in anxiety while shaking her head with her hands clasping the sides.

She turns and asks the second man, "What are we going to do, Representative Ameloni?!"

"First off, we are all going to remain calm! It's not the end of the world! Not yet, that is!" barked Representative Ameloni authoritatively. He continued, "There is still hope! Track the hero's whereabouts will not be impossible! However, finding someone who will volunteer will be somewhat hard as they have to be brave enough to travel the continent while searching for the hero!"

Then silence fell amongst the group. After a few seconds, the silence was broken. "What if we send in the…Halfling," One of them slurred in disdain.

They all laughed in amusement. Ameloni stated, "We would make good use for the girl! Ranging and hunter are the only two, useful things her people are good for!" with that, they' all laughed even harder.

They ordered the guards standing at the large, oak door to bring the "Halfling" and, in only under 3 minutes, they returned with a young woman. She had long amber hair in ponytails, accompanied by luscious hazel eyes and pale skin. She wore long tanned boots, tight brown pants, a blouse and a pair of fingerless leather gloves. A dagger hung at her waist.

She bowed to the men and women before her, taking a knee with her head lowed. She questions respectfully, "What is it that you need, my lords and ladies?"

"We require your services to find a very…special individual, Leni," stated Representative Kar in a straightforward manner.

"We had summoned the hero to our world. Unfortunately, the spell somewhat backfired, sending the hero somewhere else and not here, in this location," explained one of the female members, interpreting the situation in a monotonous tone.

She continued, "We need you to track down the hero, find his whereabouts, and retrieve him here." She precedes to hand the Halfling girl a necklace with a lavender crystal. "Take this amulet. It's capable of tracing the hero's aura. Once you find the hero, use this orb to contact us."

After handing the girl a crystal ball, the Halfling, Leni, bowed her head in thanks and went on her way. Once Leni left, the woman cringed in disgust and wiped her hands on her robe.

God! I can't believe I touched that thing!

"So…how long do you think it'll take the hobbit to find the hero?"

Smiling, the lady mused deviously, "Probably longer than we think…as long as there aren't any taverns, or fields, for her to work or stuff her face."

From that remark, everyone within the room, even the guards at the door, laughed hysterically. Unbeknownst to them, the girl heard everything outside of the room with the squared-helix of her ears while walking down the white-stoned hallway. She didn't storm in and make a fuss. She didn't object to what they were saying. Instead, she just shed a small tear. However, she tuned out their laughter, wiping the tear away and proceeded down the hall.

Back in the present day, in the town of Kor, Keya and Akio were busy with their day. The elf girl was forcing the human boy to bring her around town, dragging him to different parts of the area. From parks to food stands, Akio brought her everywhere. It cost him 49 copper coins, leaving him with only one left.

"Keya, can we stop now?! I think I've been punished enough already!" Akio pleaded, sluggishly walking behind the cheerful elf mage.

Flashing a sly grin, Keya turned around with her hands behind her back. She remarks, "Okay, you've been punished enough. I say we can end this date as it is, for now."

Akio let out a sigh of relief. Finally, it was over and the mage was no longer mad at him.

"So, want to go find a job?" Keya inquired jovially.

Akio nodded and the two started walking together.

So, with that over, the two began heading back to the guild building—the Wild Bunch Guild—to look up the request board. Sauntering into the building, the two walked up to the board on the right of the building. They examined the board for any appealing requests until one finally caught their eye.

"How about this one? 'Prevent the invasion! Eliminate Goblin Campsite outside of town! Reward: 3 silver coins'!" Akio informed, grabbing the pamphlet and reading it to the elf girl.

"Sounds like a good deal," Keya confirmed.

They grabbed the paper before anyone else could. After picking the quest, they proceeded to the exchange counter to hand in the pamphlet, so to accept the job. Once they handed it in, Keya and Akio were ready to head out.

The two walked on the cobble-stoned road out of town. Akio couldn't stop staring at the mark on the back of his hand.

Turning to Keya, he says inquisitively, "I've been meaning to ask. What is this thing?" he shows her the mark.

She examines the tattoo and explains, "That is a status mark. I heard it magically tells you of your status as an adventurer, even telling you what level is at and what skills you have."

That sounds like the status bar and page you see in games!

Grabbing his hand, Keya continued, "All you have to do is tap on the mark and it'll activate your stats."

With one tap, she activates Akio's status bar, revealing every aspect of his character in the form of a holographic screen. He was bewildered, reading everything that was written on screen. He thought: wow, this has everything about me down perfectly! Wow, guess fighting that doppelganger really boost my level up to 2! I better work harder to get a higher level.

When he finished, Akio removed the screen and the two then resumed their journey. However, unbeknownst to the two, someone was watching them from a distance. Crouching in a far away location, the Halfling Leni was observing the two while sitting on a tree branch, watching them through a spyglass as she ate a handful of lime crackers.

"Leni, come in! Have you found the hero?" said a voice coming from her rucksack.

Scrounging through, she pulls out a crystal ball and spoke to it in a respectful manner, "Yes, Representative Kar, I have the hero within my sights, and he seems to be with an elf. They have just left the town of Kor and seemed to be heading up north, probably to the goblin campsite on a quest."

"Good. Make sure you don't lose them. Keep following them and report back when you have more information on the hero, and don't lose them!" the representative ordered in an authoritative tone.

The communication ended. Leni placed the orb back in the bag and proceeded to follow them, hopping from treetop to treetop to catch up to the two. She was determined to carry out her mission, even if it meant going into enemy territory to do so.


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Thu Jan 26, 2017 8:29 am
Omni wrote a review...



Hey there kman! Let's dive right in.


Something had gone array and much murmurs of dismay began echoing throughout the room.


"Began echoing" turns past tense to present tense. While sometimes these are not avoidable, it's generally better just to stay on one tense. So, "echoed"

The hero has been summoned to our world! If he hadn’t, then the circle wouldn’t be glowing right now!” Remarked the second man beside the first man, Representative Kar.



Here is a good article on grammar rules. For example, in this case it should have been "..then the circle wouldn't be glowing right now!' remarked the second man beside the first man, Representative Kar."

A bit more explanation on that would be the exclamation mark doesn't finish the complete sentence. Acting like it's actually a period makes the "remarked the second man..." part a fragment. Here, it now completes the two, making the grammar correct.

An example where it can be considered a period is if you end the thought and start a new one. For example:

"There hero has been summoned to our world. If he hadn't then the circle wouldn't be glowing right now!" Representative Kar slammed a book down.


See, here, this is a different thought that isn't modifying the dialogue (modifying here as in explaining how the dialogue was delivered, such as "said, spoke, muttered, etc.") so the dialogue ends there. These are now two different sentences.

Also, what I wanted to point out was that this was a prime opportunity to give a bit of description to Representative Kar, since we now know their name. Instead of repeating it, you could have done something like:

"...If he hadn't, then the circle wouldn't be glowing right now!" remarked the man besides the now fuming Kar.


^See here we talk about Representative Kar still, without repeating information that was already said. This works wonders with shaving off words if you need to. A general rule of thumb that I've found over the years is to only repeat a word or phrase in a short amount of time to A)creative dramatic repetition and B)force the reader to keep aforementioned word or phrase in their mind. Even with this, I believe it should be done sparingly, since keeping the reader's attention is a difficult thing to achieve, and things like unnecessary repetition will worsen that.

“Oh no, this isn’t good, at all! Without knowing where the hero is, then we won’t have enough time to prepare for the Dark Lord’s arrival!”


Who's saying this? Is it Representative Kar? If so, please mention that. If it's the female member mentioned in the next paragraph, please connect the next three paragraphs so we know that it's her talking the entire time.

She turns and asks the second man, “What are we going to do, Representative Ameloni?!”


Whoops, you accidentally switched to present tense.

Track the hero’s whereabouts will not be impossible!


Tracking*

She bowed to the men and women before her, taking a knee with her head lowed. She questions respectfully, “What is it that you need, my lords and ladies?”


lowered*, also you switched to present tense again. No need to capitalize "What"

God! I can’t believe I touched that thing!


Why is this in italics and not quotations? If it's not dialogue, then the reader doesn't need to be aware of it, since this isn't Omniscient Third Person.

Back in the present day, in the town of Kor, Keya and Akio were busy with their day.


While this works transitioning back to present day, maybe a divider (like ~~~~~~~ or something else) would help let the reader know that time has passed and the scenes have transitioned.

After picking the quest, they proceeded to the exchange counter to hand in the pamphlet, so to accept the job.


"so" isn't needed here.


General Thoughts

Okay so I think this was a really good chapter! We got a neat flashback (although a bit stereotypical) about this "hero" and the "halfling" sent to track him down.

I'm beginning to get a sense of the world that you've created more, and have gotten more accustomed to how things work. However, I still don't like Keya and think she's pretty shallow right now. I hope Leni won't end up in the same place and will be a more fleshed out character.

Also, I'm now interested on whether or not Akio is actually the "hero" everyone is talking about. What if he is actually the dark lord and he, nor anyone else, actually realizes it? I think that would be a wonderful plot twist and a deserved one. Especially if his being a hero is talked about more in the later chapters.

I recommend proof-reading this more before you submit it here. Obviously you won't find everything, but I found quite a bit of small errors here and there. I didn't cover all of them in this review, just some of the more major ones. Anyway, keep writing, I look forward to reading more of these chapters, and I hope this review helped! <3




kman134 says...


Did you read chapter one?



Omni says...


OH NO I DIDNT xD I need to go do that, don't I?

What did you think of my comments, though?



kman134 says...


it's good. it's very insightful and analytical.

I know Keya is a bit shallow, but i wanted her to start off as naive and a little conceited because she's of nobility.

however, in the next couple of chapters, she starts to be a little more fleshed out.

the italic sentences are usually thoughts expressed by the characters to show what they're thinking.



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Thu Dec 29, 2016 3:08 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

The start with "1 day ago" is something that confused me since it's the third chapter, is this some kind of look-back or flashback that the story is having? It was a little confusing since there wasn't anything else in the chapter that gave context clues as to why it was this way and I don't particularly know why you put it in there. Some clarification inside the story (without having to outright say it) would probably help with that. More onto the actual chapter, the concept of this hero showing up out of nowhere is something that potentially be interesting, but I didn't find the part about the Dark Lord to be.

We get an interesting point of view with this chapter which is one of the things I did like that the main character didn't happen to actually be the main character, at least for this part. I liked the feel of a small town that you gave to this chapter and that's one of the things that I found to be a strength of the chapter. It seems that Leni is the person trying to find the hero but it does fall down to a sort of-prophetic plot that I hope changes later on or something turns around.

I've never been particularly fond of prophecies or speaking to a crystal ball because of it being overdone over and over, but if that's the main focus of the story then I would be more interested in it? I'd also be more interested if it ends up that the story doesn't take a turn with them finding the hero and the character in this chapter doesn't change their role to become the hero or anything of that sort but still is the one to find them. The chapter itself didn't interest me as much as where it's going which is what the chapter kind of builds up to.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




kman134 says...


in the world of Ashura, crystal balls act more like communicators.



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Thu Dec 29, 2016 12:01 am
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Aleta wrote a review...



Hey, Aleta here for a review. What I noticed from the beginning is that the reader can pick up on the story despite not reading the previous chapters, so good on that. This will be fairly short, considering I couldn't find much to review you on.

Corrections
~

1-day-ago…
No need for the hyphens in between.

Where the hell is he?! Where is the hero?!
You could just put a question mark for the first one and an exclamation point for the second one. The ?! on both overdoes it a bit.

then the circle wouldn’t be glowing, right now!
You don't need the comma after glowing.

They’
Just a small mistake.

they returned with a young woman with long amber hair in ponytails, hazel eyes, and pale skin, wearing long tanned boots, tight brown pants with a dagger at the belt, a white blouse under a dark green opened vest, and a pair of fingerless leather gloves.
This is an awfully long run on sentence. Here's a fix:
The young woman had long amber hair in ponytails, accompanied by lustrous hazel eyes and
pale skin. She wore long tanned boots, tight brown pants, a blouse and a pair of leather gloves. A dagger hung at her waist.

I think I’ve been punished enough, already
No need for a comma after enough.

That sounds like the status bar & page you see in games!
The & isn't really appropriate in a story.

Overall, the grammar was mainly good and the storyline as well. :)




kman134 says...


so, what did you think of Leni, so far?



Aleta says...


I genuinely wonder why she continues to follow their orders even though they don't treat her right, besides that they are important people. I am wondering what they would do if she refused not to follow through at all.



kman134 says...


Well, there are reasons. mostly involving racial relations. Since this world takes place in a medieval-esque style world, they probably either fire her severely, i.e. humiliate her then strip her of everything, or send her to a dungeon and execute her.



Aleta says...


Ah okay




If you run now, you will be running the rest of your life.
— Reborn