Hey there kman! Let's dive right in.
Something had gone array and much murmurs of dismay began echoing throughout the room.
"Began echoing" turns past tense to present tense. While sometimes these are not avoidable, it's generally better just to stay on one tense. So, "echoed"
The hero has been summoned to our world! If he hadn’t, then the circle wouldn’t be glowing right now!” Remarked the second man beside the first man, Representative Kar.
Here is a good article on grammar rules. For example, in this case it should have been "..then the circle wouldn't be glowing right now!' remarked the second man beside the first man, Representative Kar."
A bit more explanation on that would be the exclamation mark doesn't finish the complete sentence. Acting like it's actually a period makes the "remarked the second man..." part a fragment. Here, it now completes the two, making the grammar correct.
An example where it can be considered a period is if you end the thought and start a new one. For example:
"There hero has been summoned to our world. If he hadn't then the circle wouldn't be glowing right now!" Representative Kar slammed a book down.
See, here, this is a different thought that isn't modifying the dialogue (modifying here as in explaining how the dialogue was delivered, such as "said, spoke, muttered, etc.") so the dialogue ends there. These are now two different sentences.
Also, what I wanted to point out was that this was a prime opportunity to give a bit of description to Representative Kar, since we now know their name. Instead of repeating it, you could have done something like:
"...If he hadn't, then the circle wouldn't be glowing right now!" remarked the man besides the now fuming Kar.
^See here we talk about Representative Kar still, without repeating information that was already said. This works wonders with shaving off words if you need to. A general rule of thumb that I've found over the years is to only repeat a word or phrase in a short amount of time to A)creative dramatic repetition and B)force the reader to keep aforementioned word or phrase in their mind. Even with this, I believe it should be done sparingly, since keeping the reader's attention is a difficult thing to achieve, and things like unnecessary repetition will worsen that.
“Oh no, this isn’t good, at all! Without knowing where the hero is, then we won’t have enough time to prepare for the Dark Lord’s arrival!”
Who's saying this? Is it Representative Kar? If so, please mention that. If it's the female member mentioned in the next paragraph, please connect the next three paragraphs so we know that it's her talking the entire time.
She turns and asks the second man, “What are we going to do, Representative Ameloni?!”
Whoops, you accidentally switched to present tense.
Track the hero’s whereabouts will not be impossible!
Tracking*
She bowed to the men and women before her, taking a knee with her head lowed. She questions respectfully, “What is it that you need, my lords and ladies?”
lowered*, also you switched to present tense again. No need to capitalize "What"
God! I can’t believe I touched that thing!
Why is this in italics and not quotations? If it's not dialogue, then the reader doesn't need to be aware of it, since this isn't Omniscient Third Person.
Back in the present day, in the town of Kor, Keya and Akio were busy with their day.
While this works transitioning back to present day, maybe a divider (like ~~~~~~~ or something else) would help let the reader know that time has passed and the scenes have transitioned.
After picking the quest, they proceeded to the exchange counter to hand in the pamphlet, so to accept the job.
"so" isn't needed here.
General Thoughts
Okay so I think this was a really good chapter! We got a neat flashback (although a bit stereotypical) about this "hero" and the "halfling" sent to track him down.
I'm beginning to get a sense of the world that you've created more, and have gotten more accustomed to how things work. However, I still don't like Keya and think she's pretty shallow right now. I hope Leni won't end up in the same place and will be a more fleshed out character.
Also, I'm now interested on whether or not Akio is actually the "hero" everyone is talking about. What if he is actually the dark lord and he, nor anyone else, actually realizes it? I think that would be a wonderful plot twist and a deserved one. Especially if his being a hero is talked about more in the later chapters.
I recommend proof-reading this more before you submit it here. Obviously you won't find everything, but I found quite a bit of small errors here and there. I didn't cover all of them in this review, just some of the more major ones. Anyway, keep writing, I look forward to reading more of these chapters, and I hope this review helped! <3
Points: 3775
Reviews: 378
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