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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Ashura: A World of Sword and Magic Chapter 10

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

"Okay, spill it! Why were you following us?!"

There we were. Standing around a strange girl who fell out of the sky with Grimhilda constantly pestering her with questions until she broke. We were in the forest and surrounded by the tall trees, about five feet away from the main road, so to not draw attention from any of the passerby's for what we were about to do.

"Please! I'm sorry for stalking you all! Just let me go and we can forget this whole thing ever happened!" pleaded the girl with tears in her eyes.

12-minutes-ago. Right after the incident, the girl became fidgeted and started backing away from us.

She muttered something about "Being discovered", which made us think she'd been following us. She'd tried to escape, running with quick speed like a rabbit, but Grimhilda was able to tackle her to the ground. the girl was able to put up a fight, kicking and struggling to push the dwarf girl off of her. I even heard Grimhilda screamed as the strange girl bit her.

Luckily, the dwarf girl was able to easily overpower her while producing rope that seemed too big to fit in her backpack. Now the girl was tied up and ready for questioning.

The girl was terrified. She trembled as the ropes vibrated around her body. Grimhilda's terrifying gaze would bring shivers down her spine as she continued to harass her. Even the square-shaped helixes on her ears began to shake also.

"You better start talking or you're not going to see the light of day, Halfling! You know how we dwarves like to dig!" Grimhilda threatened with a devious grin.

I interjected in a calm tone, "Hey, Hilda. Don't you think you're taking this a little too far?"

"Not really. I haven't even gotten to the part that I was going to bury her up to her neck in dirt in the middle of nowhere for the wild animals to devour her head," Grimhilda retorted.

The Halfling girl was freaking out as she started trembling more than before while beads of sweat fell from her face.

"Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything! Just, please, get this crazy dwarf girl away from me!" the Halfling girl pleaded with sobbing breath.

The three of us turned back to the girl and looked flabbergasted. Grimhilda, on the other hand, just flashed a smug grin with her arms crossed directly at me. I just deadpanned in response.

After we untied the Halfling girl, we waited for her to make a run for it since she now had the opportunity to escape. Fortunately for us, she just stayed still with a blank expression on her face.

"What?" she asked.

She noticed the paused stares we were giving her as she tilted her head to the side.

Arching an eyebrow, I replied, "Nothing. We were just expecting you to…you know, escape?"

She puffed her cheeks and scowled in offense while crossing both arms over her chest. She argued, "How rude! We Halflings keep our promise! If I say I'm going to tell you everything, then that means I'm going to tell you' all!"

She coughed in her hand before she regained her composure. Then she introduced herself, "My name is Leni Faldoy and I am an agent of the Human Coalition."

My face cringed at the mentioning of that name.

Leni continued, "I was sent by the Council to discreetly follow you and monitor you to determine if you are the one."

"The one what?" I inquired.

"The one who was chosen to be the messiah, of course! The one destined to save the world from the Dark Lord!" Leni's tone changed from a formal voice to that of excitement. "Honestly, I'm just so delighted to finally meet you! It is an honor to be in your presence!" her eyes lit up with sparkles in her pupils. Getting up off her stump, she kneeled down before me like a subject kneeling before her king.

I was starting to get uncomfortable. I didn't know how to react. Snapping out of my perturbed stance, my eyes widened and my mouth fell agape. I inquired, "Still, what does saving the world have to do with me? How am I the messiah?"

"You're the messiah because the Council was the one who summoned you," she stated straightforwardly.

My face completely fell blank from hearing that and I became flabbergasted. My tone became aggressive as I blurted out, "You're the reason why I'm in this world?!"

I realized my words and turned back to Keya and Grimhilda who were staring at me with confusion.

"What do you mean 'in this world'?" Keya questioned.

I wanted to come up with an excuse. Maybe, something to make her forget what I had said, but it was too late and I held on to that charade for far too long.

Taking a deep breath, I looked Keya straight in the eye and confessed, "I don't have amnesia and I'm not from this world. I'm from another world called 'Earth' and I was brought here through magical means I don't even know how."

It felt like an entire weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Frankly, even if Leni hadn't showed up, Keya would have figured out sooner, or later. She is a smart girl, to be precise.

Keya's eyes scowled. She walked up to me with such encroachment before raising her hand. Smack! The left side of my face stung. I didn't flinch because I knew I deserved it. Looking back at Keya, I saw that in her eyes she was hurt and that's understandable. Then she proceeded to trot pass me and further into the forest.

Reaching out my hand, I tried to stop her until I felt something tugging at my side. Looking down, I saw Grimhilda shaking her head at me.

She said somberly, "Give her time to cool off, Akio. Betrayal is the one thing a girl has difficulty to handle." Then her expression changed to a snicker. She added, "Honestly, you told her you had amnesia and didn't tell her the truth that you were a visitor from another world?"

I replied, "If I had told her the truth, she wouldn't believe me and assumed that I was crazy." My tone was monotonous while I gave the dwarf girl a deadpanned stare.

Grimhilda held her smirk for a minute, but soon dropped it as she grimaced and rubbed the back of her neck. She remarked, "When you put it that way, it does make since to lie."

I nodded.

Suddenly, we both turned to Leni with raised eyebrows, watching her standing still with her arms hanging down as she gave us a perplexing look.

"By the way, what are we going to do with her," Grimhilda asked. She pointed at the Halfling girl with a scowl.

Letting out a sigh, I sauntered over and stopped in front of the Halfling girl. I said sternly, "Have you confirmed that I'm really the messiah?"

"Yes. I believe you are, but it's not my job to declare it," she said.

"How do you know I'm what you say I am to be?"

She told me to look at my sword, which I unsheathed and examined. According to Leni, it belonged to the previous messiah that came before me and was left behind for anyone worthy of wielding it, which meant someone who was capable of taking down the booby-trap that was set up.

"What do you want from me?" I inquired.

"I want to bring you to the Human Coalition, so they can judge whether you truly are the messiah, or not."

I remembered hearing that name since the goblin village incident and hearing it again only made me angrier. However, taking another deep breath, my tone became even more serious.

I said in an inquisitive manner, "If I go with you and see the Human Coalition, does that mean they'll have the answers I need for why I'm here in the first place?"

At first, it seemed like I didn't care, but everything I had endured, it made me wonder my purpose in this world. I knew how I got here, but I didn't know why I was here.

"The Representatives who run the Human Coalition will tell you everything you need to know," Leni nodded. A light grin grew on her face as a sober expression appeared. "However, to receive the answers you seek, you must prove to them that you are the messiah, yourself. My word alone is not good enough because I am just a mere scout."

"How would I prove to them?"

"You must take a series of tests to show them. Are you certain you want to meet with them?"

I nodded. The smile on Leni grew wider.

"Excellent! Now, I won't get punish for failing my mission!" she started clapping her hands ecstatically like a happy child.

At that moment, I was starting to have second thoughts, but I managed to put it aside, for now. Suddenly, I noticed the land was starting to get dark. I looked up in the sky and saw the sun setting over the horizon.

"We'll be setting up camp here. Grimhilda, watch after Leni," I ordered in a passive manner. I started walking into the forest without looking back to the Dwarf girl.

I heard Grimhilda respond quizzically, "What are you going to do?!" her tone became louder as I distanced further.

"I'm going to find Keya!"

She had been gone for about 30 minutes, which was far too long to be in the woods. Especially, if it was beginning to become dark and once it gets dark, then who knows what strange beasts would lurk around the vicinity.

I wandered through the area while scoping my surroundings, passing by every tree, and stump, and rock in search of the elf girl, calling out her name while making sure that I wasn't too far from the campground.

Dammit! Where the hell is she?! It's getting late and I'm starting to get worried! The frustration was starting to get to my head. I stopped in my tracks and let out a heavy groan while crushing the bridge between my eyes.

Grimhilda said that she needed time to cool off, but what if me lying actually affected Keya in such a tremendous way that she was so disgusted by me that she ran away? Suddenly, I saw a figure sitting on a stump about 10 feet away from where I was. I gingerly got closer and finally felt relief.

"Keya?"

She was sitting cross-legged on a stump with her hands on her knees and her staff on her lap. She was in some sort of meditative trance, hearing her breathe in and out every few seconds. She seemed calm. Unfortunately, the scowl plastered on her face said otherwise.

I waved my hand in front of her eyes. I asked in a soft tone, "Hey, Keya. Are you okay?"

"Go away, Akio!" she hissed through gritted teeth. Venom seethed from her words.

I took a step back and let out a sigh. I bit the lower part of my lip as I rubbed my other arm in an anxious manner. I apologized with sincerity in my voice, "Keya, I know you're still mad at me for lying and deceiving you. I want to apologize for that and want to become completely honest with you, for now on. The only problem is…if you are willing to forgive me?"

Her eyes finally flew open, yet her glare didn't fade. She got up off the stump and stood with her arms crossed and lightly shook her head. "Akio, you have lied to me since the day we've met and I'm not sure if I can forgive you, or trust you. I have always hated people lying to me, especially when it's from people I once considered a friend." Her scolding was very passive-aggressive, but it was enough to make me feel even guiltier than before. She continued, "Ever since I had left my country, I thought that people out here would be different from all the bald-face aristocrats within the kingdom, but I can see that even the outside world is just as worst."

I explained, "Keya, I wanted to tell you, but…"

"…But what?" she repeated. Her tone became demanding as she interrupted.

"I was just scared of losing you. You're the first friend I had made in this world and if I told you the truth, then you would think I was crazy," I stated. My voice was very honest and I could see Keya softening with her scowl fading away.

I with a frown on my face, I turned around and began walking away. I stated, "I get the jest of it. I'll get out of your hair, and make sure you'll never see me again."

"No wait!"

I halted. I felt something clasp against my right hand. I turned my head to see Keya staring at me with the most earnest expression as her cheeks turned red. Letting go of my hand, she wrapped her arms around my waists and held on tightly. My face flushed from feeling how warm she was.

She smiled while moving a strand of hair from her face. She assured, "You can stop feeling bad about yourself. I forgave you for lying to me a few minutes ago."

"Then why did you look like your were about to rip my head off?"

"I wanted to make you work for it. I mean, at first, I was mad at you lying to me, but then after everything we went through, I could tell that you truly were a good man and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, or anyone else. Also, now that I think about, hearing that you came from another word would make you sound crazy." The way she giggled at the end of the sentence made her sound so cute.

"That's what Grimhilda said," I commented.

Shrugging her shoulders, she smirked and replied, "Well, I hate to admit it. She is pretty insightful when she isn't so hotheaded."

We both laughed at that remark. If this was an anime, I could picture Grimhilda sneezing at the same time as saying that statement.

"Still, I can't believe you're the messiah!" Keya screamed ecstatically. She was like a fangirl after meeting her idol.

Scratching my left cheek, I chuckled as a droplet of sweat formed on my temple. I said in a nervous tone, "yeah, it's a surprise to me, as well." then I asked, "By the way, what is this whole 'messiah' thing?" In jewish tradition, a messiah was the Israelite concept of an epic hero while, in Christian tradition, it was the name for Jesus Christ after being declared king of kings, but in Asura, I doubt it had the same meaning.

Keya's eyes rose from my question, but she brushed it off with a smile. She answered while still maintaining her cheerful tone, "The messiah is a hero of all heroes, chosen to save this world from the oncoming storm! When the Dark Lord, or the Demon King, begins to terrorize the world, the Messiah comes to save all from desolation!" Well, I guess there were some similarities.

Wait! Did she just say "Demon King"! My face turned to stone in trepidations. Usually, there would be a demon king in certain fantasy stories and anime, but I'd never expected one to exist in this world.

"S-so, who decides who gets to be the messiah?" I asked.

"Well, it's mostly the Human Coalition who decides who would become the new Messiah since they are the most powerful to summon a candidate to take up the mantle. However, in the beginning, there were other kingdoms that would summon heroes. However, that came to an end thousands of years ago when the first messiah established the Coalition. Since then, every nation on Gaia agreed that all summonings will be performed by the HC, but only if a great threat arises."

That was a lot to take in. everything Keya explained was like that light novel I read. Hopefully, I won't be falsely accused by a horrific crime and I turn into some sort of dark hero who seeks vengeance on those who had done him wrong. Suddenly, Keya and I realized how late it was.

We proceeded back to camp. Keya and I were flabbergasted from what was before us. Surrounding the vicinity were tents made of animal skin and held up by sticks. In the center was a bonfire with three logs around it. Lastly, hovering above the fire was a spit roast and hanging from the metal rod looked like a large skinned bird, cooked and ready to be eaten.

Our mouths nearly dropped to the ground, but we quickly snapped out of our daze when Grimhilda approached us.

"There you two are! Do you have any idea how hard it was to set everything up while you two were off settling your lover's quarrel!" Grimhilda admonished.

My face turned red as I exclaimed, "We're not lovers, Hilda!" even Keya's face became redder than before.

Grimhilda chuckled. She waved a hand and remarked, "Lighten up! I'm just messing with you two!"

Keya and I didn't even respond. We just stared at the dwarf girl with a deadpanned expression.

"By the way, Grimhilda. Where's Leni?" I asked.

"Oh, she's in the middle tent." Hilda pointed her thumb behind her.

Stepping out of one of the tents, Leni proceeded to the bonfire as she stood before us.

"I see you two have returned. Have you two finally made amends?" she inquired in a friendly tone.

"We have. So, what now?" I asked.

"Now, we rest and, in the morning, we'll head to the Council's headquarters. Anyway, let's dig in!"

Sitting around the bonfire, we began taking chunks of the bird's meat. Leni was the first to take one of the legs, which angered Grimhilda dearly. Apparently, it is customary for the one who prepared the meal first to have the first bite, according to Dwarf culture. The only one not enjoying anything was Keya who scooted far from sitting circle to get away from the smell. Once we finished, we went straight to bed. Keya and Leni slept in the tent on the right, Grimhilda was in the middle, and I slept on the left.

The next day, we' all traveled up north through the forests, passing by every moss-covered rock and oddly shaped tree that was in our path. It took us 12 hours and 3 miles to reach our destination, and we only stopped twice to catch our breath. Finally, standing on top of a cliff, we arrived out of destination.

"Here we are! The city of Arcadia!"

Standing before us was a city that was made entirely of silver, having the sunlight shining against the walls, so intense that it was almost blinding. However, most of the buildings were in ruins with holes on the sides of the skyscrapers and much of nature taking back the land.

I was baffled. I assumed that the Council was located in some busybody city, but that city looked like no one had lived in it for a very long time. I looked over and saw that Grimhilda had the same expression as I did. Keya, however, looked like her head was about to explode.

She gasped and turned towards Leni. She shouted, "Arcadia?! The Arcadia?! Are you saying we're in the abandoned city of Arcadia?!"

"Okay, I'm confused. What the hell is Arcadia?" I asked.

Key turned to me and replied, "A long time ago, before the Dark Lord rose and before the Human Coalition was founded, wars waged amongst the other races. To finally bring peace to the lands, the nobles throughout the continent plotted to create a large city where all races could reside—A utopia, to be precise. After the city was built, it was soon populated by every known race throughout the continent of Gaia." Then her smile faded into a glower. She continued, "Unfortunately, that all came to an end a week later as series of violence, racial tensions, and cultural discriminations broke out, and soon the city was abandoned and left to decay."

Looking back at the ruined city, I can understand how it was such a pipedream. Such things like racial tolerance and multiculturalism would take time to be integrated, and to force it would cause certain backlash. It's the reason why every utopian plan in my world had failed as everyone's individuality and ideological differences had cause tensions to rise. My face frowned as I took in a deep breath.

"So, this city is the HC's headquarters?" tilting my head to the side, I was confused as to why they would use such as place as their center.

I turned my attention to Leni and waited for her to respond. She nodded and answered, "Of course. After the Arcadia project faltered years ago, the Human Coalition decided to use the city as a gathering for the representatives of all twelve human kingdoms."

An ancient city used to hold a powerful continental empire; it was like the city of Rome during its heyday as the capital of the Roman Empire, except it was still decrepit and unpopulated like it was after it's fall. We then proceeded forward, walking down a mountain trail until we reached the entrance of the city. At first, I was finally happy that all my questions would be answered. However, I started feeling like me and my friends were crossing the Rubicon at this point.


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65 Reviews


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Reviews: 65

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Thu May 04, 2017 10:38 am
occymay wrote a review...



Hello again!

Positives-
I really love your character's interactions in this chapter. Like when Grimhilda is interrogating Leni and the argument between Keya and Akio. They were really good because they gave you a sense of the characters and made me feel different emotions. I think most of that was achieved through realistic dialogue though be careful because some point in this chapter were a bit unrealistic. But I also think it's the way you describe the things they do when speaking like when you described Grimhilda grin as devious. It's so accurate to her character which makes it brilliant. I also liked that the next few chapters will have an important purpose to the book. I did worry in the previous chapter if they would continue the aimless travelling. Also, this sentence made me laugh, I watch way too much anime, "If this was an anime, I could picture Grimhilda sneezing at the same time as saying that statement."

Improvement-
As BlueAfrica said, the beginning really should be shown rather than told, it just loses a lot of the effect it could have had. I think this is very important because of how you left the previous chapter with that tension but that tension is lost as soon as you read the start. I want to continue to feel that tension, like is she going to get away, she is going to tell? I would also make her put up more of a fight, like I know Grimhilda's strong but I imagine Leni being quite quick because she's a scout. It will make it more interesting and keep the reader hooked.

Overall, another good chapter, can't wait to read the next one ^_^




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Wed May 03, 2017 1:32 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



First suggestion. If you'd like to dramatize this

12-minutes-ago. Right after the incident, the girl became fidgeted and started backing away from us. She said something about “Being discoverer”, which got us wondering if she had being following us for god knows how long. Before the girl was about to run away, Grimhilda pounced and tackled her to the ground, tying her up from head to toe with only her head free.

“How can you carry that much rope in a backpack that small,” I questioned. The sack on Grimhilda’s back didn’t look big enough to carry a full body amount of rope, as it was probably about 19 liters.

Clasping her hands to wipe the dust off her palms, she turned her attention to me and grinned cockily. She explained while pointing her thumb behind, “The reason is because dwarf rucksacks are bigger on the inside and can carry more stuff than how it seems.”

That brings us back to the present moment.


you might just want to do it when it happens. The last thing I remembered was the girl falling from the sky, so when I started reading this chapter, I was like, "Wait, what makes them think she was following them if she fell from the trees?"

Plus, dramatizing this after the fact and ending with "that brings us back to the present moment" - rather than paraphrasing the whole thing - made it read awkwardly. If you like the order things are in currently, you could just paraphrase what happened, like "the girl had muttered something about "discoverer," which made us think she'd been following us. She'd tried to run off, but Grimhilda had tackled her and produced a rope that seemed too big to fit in her backpack. Now the girl was tied up for questioning." That would bring us back to the present moment more naturally and explain things a little quicker.

ANYWAY. Moving on.

“Not really. I haven’t even gotten to the part that I was going to bury her up to her neck in dirt in the middle of nowhere for the wild animals to devour her head,” Grimhilda retorted.


Grimhilda's so great. Oh, question, how do they know this girl's a Halfling? Is this Halfling as in "Hobbit" as in LotR? Or is this "Halfling" as in a person who's half-human/half-something-else?

She said somberly, “Give her time to cool off, Akio. Betrayal is the one thing a girl has difficulty to handle.” Then her expression changed to a snicker. She added, “Honestly, you told her you had amnesia and didn’t tell her the truth that you were a visitor from another world?”

I replied, “If I had told her the truth, she wouldn’t believe me and assumed that I was crazy.” My tone was monotonous while I gave the dwarf girl a deadpanned stare.

Grimhilda held her smirk for a minute, but soon dropped it as she grimaced and rubbed the back of her neck. She remarked, “When you put it that way, it does make since to lie.”


Further proof that Grimhilda's the best. Practical, that dwarf.

Okay, so what I said about paraphrasing. Earlier, you dramatized something that wasn't super important and would've worked better paraphrased. But here...

She told me to look at my sword, which I unsheathed and examined. According to Leni, it belonged to the previous messiah that came before me and was left behind for anyone worthy of wielding it, which meant someone who was capable of taking down the booby-trap that was set up.


This is a very important bit of information, which would probably work better written verbatim.

Wow, you use "deadpanned" and "flabbergasted" a lot.

I think you did a reasonably good job of dropping in the backstory we needed about the Messiah and Arcadia and stuff. Instead of telling us all this in one big lump, you broke it up throughout the chapter and put it in spots where it was the natural answer to questions people had asked. I think it worked pretty well. I also liked when Akio wondered what "Messiah" meant in Ashura, since he knows what it means in both Judaism and Christianity and figures it might be different in a different world - I was curious myself about the fact that you chose the word "messiah" to refer to the chosen one in this story.

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kman134 says...


in Ashura, Halflings are both similar and different from the ones in Lord of the Rings. they are tower that dwarves and shorter than humans standing about 5'2 in height. they don't possess hairy feet and, instead of pointy ears like elves, their ears are square, or rectangle, shaped.




Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green