When u were here
We had some fun
My heart growing each time we talk
Then u leave me
Breaking this heart
Have me looking for months
Missing you each day
Then u come back
I was so happy
I wanted to hug u
Kiss u
Tell u how I feel
Then there another man
One that has u
Now I am thrown to the side again
This heart no longer have hope
I can never have u
I am push forwar force to move on
My heart broken in a jar barly surviving
U can have fun with your new bf
I wont be here when u come looking
I will be forced to move on
Into the darkness
To suffer until these wounds heal
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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
hi there reborn!
like here...
first of i liked your poem quite much! i really could feel each and everything you wrote about quite deep! and though it could definitely use some improvement i think you pulled over a fairly good job there!
THEME
okay i wont say that this was something new or something i havent read about before...but duh! who cares about how many other peeps have written about how many times the thme has been used... what matters is how the poem pulled off atlast, which i thing pulled off quite nicly... so i'm not complaining! good job there!
FLOW
i think the flow was pretty good...cosedering this is a free worse poem there isnt much i can suggest about that...
NITPICKS/SUGGESTIONS/PUNCUATIONS
i think you can use some suggestions here...so here they are i've got a couple of them for you....
1) Though i dont mind you using [i] u [i] instead of the whole word, people here at YWS dont usually support it...so i suggest you better use the whole word.
2) have you thought about breaking this in stanzas? i know that writing just one full one is also a writing style (trust me i do it too..but i think because people suggest it to me i might as well forward it to you -_-)
3) use some puncuations? it makes the flow better
Spoiler
When u were here ,
we had some fun.
My heart growing each time we talk
Then u leave me alone (add this here?)
Breaking my heart
you have me looking for months ,
missing you each day.
Then u come back
I was so happy
to see you again! (add this here?)
I wanted to hug u,
,k/color]iss u[color=red],
tell u how I feel.
But,then there was another man,
the one that had u .
Now I am thrown to the side again.
This heart no longer hashope .
I can never have u ,
I am pushedforwardforceedto move on .
My heart broken in a jar barly surviving.
U can have fun with your new bf,
I wont be here when u come looking.
I will be forced to move on,
into the darkness.
To suffer until these wounds heal.
i guess thats all i've got for now... i hope this helped!
even a bitkeepp on writing !
phangirl~
First some corrections:
When you were here
We had some fun
My heart growing each time we talk
Then you leave me
Breaking this heart
Have me looking for months
Missing you each day
Then you come back
I was so happy
I wanted to hug you
Kiss you
Tell you how I feel
Then there another man
One that has you
Now I am thrown to the side again
This heart no longer have hope
I can never have you
I am push forward force to move on
My heart broken in a jar barely surviving
You can have fun with your new boyfriend
I won't be here when you come looking
I will be forced to move on
Into the darkness
To suffer until these wounds heal
That was just me fixing the spelling. I think you need to add some proper punctuation as well.
Now onto the actual wording and meaning of the poem:
When u were here
We had some fun
A lot of your sentences are really simple and dry. In poetry things are supposed to be poetic and beautiful but these sentences are so simple and bland (sorry if I'm being too harsh).
This is what I mean:
"I remember what it was like when we were together
You're wild laugh and glowing smile never faltered to make me grin."
And even still it sound pretty cheesy and cliche.
I feel like once you fix the grammar and the spelling. Take away the cliche romance and add imagery and description this could be great, even amazing poem.
yeah u did i just posted a poem on here i have some more better work and if u want to can i show u one that i really like and hopefully u will too