You have yet to see your life
ariham will open up your eyes
showing you your life
the life that only hold lies
A shadow over everything
now let me tear it open
show you the truth
you will feel the betrayal that been hidden
no longer love
slowly tearing away your humanity
With your eyes wide in fear as i tear it away
your memories recovering
the pain you hid down must now come up
ariham will show you the way
this dark world will fill you with hate
the greed of your kind
where is your trust
this blanket you have hidden in must now be ripped away
there is now happiness in here
the love is a lie
fun only to hide the pain
this is not fun it is torture
allow me to open your eyes
see the truth of your kind
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Royal here to review!
So this was interesting, but it had some problems.
Namely, that the images were all entirely different from each other, and almost completely disconnected. The flow was jerky and awkward, and the diction was vague, which made it difficult to understand what the speaker's purpose was in this piece. There were some grammatical errors, and there didn't seem to be any kind of decision about structure. It's fine to have a set structure, or have no structure at all, but when a piece has a little structure in some places, and no structure at all in other places, often it starts getting confusing and choppy. I'd try to figure out what the speaker is really trying to say in this piece. What is the point? What is the meaning? And if there's more than one meaning or topic (and I feel like there is, because there are so many disjointed images here), then I'd pick one and stick with it. The more specific, the more unique the experience, the better. Good luck!
Hi there gammagamerale! Niteowl here to review for Team Granger this fine Review Day!
Overall, there's some interesting ideas in this piece, but I think there's a couple major issues.
1) After reading this, I have absolutely no clue what "ariham" is. I Googled it and didn't get much. Is it a name? A foreign word? I feel like the meaning could be more clearly expressed in the poem.
2) The language in this piece is repetitive and doesn't have a lot of imagery. This means the piece could be stronger. In many cases, I find that when a piece directly references abstract concepts like life or truth, it's not as strong as a piece that shows us something about those concepts without using that word.
I'll pick on this section for a couple reasons. It has some of that repetitiveness (I see "tear" multiple times), but also some good imagery (eyes wide in fear, a shadow covering the truth). I would shorten it a little and reorganize it, maybe like this.
Let me tear away the shadows,
and shine light on the betrayal
hidden beneath the love.
I see the fear in your eyes
as I expose your humanity.
Again, this is just a suggestion, but I would focus on using strong and different verbs when you can and using imagery to connect your ideas.
I really like this. To me, it evokes someone vomiting up all these bad memories. Really cool.
I like the blanket imagery, but I think "now happiness" should be "no happiness".
About punctuation: there is more freedom in how to punctuate poetry than prose. Some poets don't like it. Others want a comma or period at the end of every line. However, I find that non-standard punctuation is really distracting and suddenly your readers are so lost they don't get what you're trying to say. Therefore, I suggest that in most cases, you should punctuate poetry like you would prose (non-poetry).
Overall, I think there's some haunting images in here, but I would work on making it tighter and less repetitive. Keep writing, and remember Schadenfruede, Fahrvergnügen, and it's LeviOHsa, not LevioSA.
Hi its, Sayantan4119,
First-of -all you could guess what I want to say, it's all about punctuations.
But there lies a confusion that why are you going for or against humanity or if you want to express compare it with other objects to produce special effects.
I wish it's not a general poem, though you have mentioned.
Few things I was unable top understand because you have neither wrote it in poetic style too much nor in the simple text.
Its true always what you are saying.
Be more aggressive to write such type of poems from next time. You are a nice writer.
Follow me on Sayantan4119.