I fall on my knees
Weaken of despair
Pain and agony pulling me to the ground
Evil breath lurking as it pushes me farther down
As if the devil himself is pulling me
Pulling me toward the underground
Trying to make me join him
Join him the fiery pits of hell
My mind fogging with evil thoughts
My being slipping from consciousness
But then I feel another presence
My mind clearing up while
My soul is filled with warmth
I feel a mysterious force pulling me back up
The devils grip is weakening
The evil thoughts disappear
Then I hear a shriek of anger coming from below as his grip is broken
My minds is filled with happiness and relief
I feel me feet leave the ground
I look around to see I'm souring through the air higher and higher
I look up blinded by a holy light
I look back and see a figure
An angel and I look in its face
To see my love ones that has passed on
I turn back around closing my eyes as this angel from god
Takes me to his holy home
To heaven.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hello, hello.
Here to check your wonderful work. I already saw that many had reviewed this and pointed out their own opinion and that there are mistakes some and there but I will still do it too in my own ways. I like the way you start your work with a narrator in despair and arrony. Even if I like the start, I do not understand end. I have never expected this work to twist in such a way and relieve that the narrator is actually dying and between God and Satan. At least this is how I understood it after thinking for a while after the first read of it. I noticed a rhyme that did not really work out because you just use the same words to rhyme it all.
I think this work does not need any rhyming. It is beautiful the way it is. I like the description of the actions of the demon also. Kind of helped me imagine what it could be like to be in that situation. On some places you really needed the commas because of the pauses but I see you used no punctuation mostly. (Maybe not a complain.)
Now I will just point out the things I think you can double check.
'devil's' grip I suppose it is.
We have only one mind so it needs to be 'mind'.
Maybe it is a typo or a mistake because you had written it too fast. 'me' needs to be 'my'.
Also, 'god' is with capital G.
Overall, good job and keep on writing. There is nothing in this work that can not be fixed to make it look better.
Dear gammagamerale,
Nice poem friend! Good depiction of everybody's life!
1. As others have already mentioned there were a few grammatical errors.
2. I can see repetition which is wonderful to read.
3. I feel my feet leave the ground is my personal favourite.
4. It is soar and not sour. Please be careful as an amazing word will lose it's meaning even if it has just a small error.
5. You are never blinded by a holy light. A holy light shows you the way!
6. I look back and see a dazzling white figure could have been a better description.
7. God has a capital G.
8. Your ending was unexpected. Why do you want the speaker to die? Just let him live a life supported by God and let him fight the temptations of devil to choose the right path in life.
Your poem was good over all but remember to help the reader to look at your work the way you want him or her to look!
You have got an amazing talent! Just work more on what you can and you will start doing what you could not do before.
All the best! Waiting for your next work!!!
In general, I quite enjoy your work; it's usually deep, compelling and raw. However, your grammar is always letting you down. It truly takes from the poem. Grammar is something that I too struggle with so you are not alone. Be more mindful and spend more time reading over your work and it should improve.
This is a really good poem! I don't have much to offer you in the way of revisions, just fix your grammar in a few places. You could also experiment with word choice if you really want to change anything. I loved it and especially enjoyed how it was broken up, I look forward to reading your future work!
Hello :3 thanks for the review for Sadistically Sweet. Now, I am here to review yours as well.
First, I actually like the poem. It's really good. Although there are some errors that I notice.
"My minds is filled with happiness and relief"
You use 'mind' rather than "minds". One person cannot have more than one mind LOL.
Another is:
"The devils grip is weakening"
I am confuse. Are you using more than one devil? If so, than change the "is" to "are" because you are using plural word. If one devil only, than you have to say "devil" without 's' only.
There are more. I hope you can check it again. Try to read the poem by yourself and think how it sound like. If you want to get some tips from me, don't be afraid to talk to me :3
Ciao ciao~