Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Black acid pit of death with it distance light of red fiery flame promising pain and suffering of hell
The hell where the devil reside his minions dragging you down it claws latching onto you swarming over your body
Your screams of pain as you slides down
The fiery red glow brightening with each second with other screams mingling with yours as other damned are
Dragged with you into the fiery pit.
The devil joyous laughter filling you ears as his screech in joy for the new subject to torture
You’re locked in cages with spikes stabbing into every part of your body bleeding for eternity with breaks of torture by the devil and his minions
This is now your home
The home of the damned
The place with no escape
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hello, gammagamerale.
You could say,Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
What is the purpose of this poem? Is it to entertain and frighten? Are you trying to get across a point about sinners? Right now, it's only a description. It doesn't have any revelation or resolution. Try thinking about why you wrote this, and add in some meaning to it.
I suggest that you break up your lines more. They're a bit long right now, and it's a bit prose-y. Try a more fragmented approach. For example,
"cages stab your soul
like spikes."
That's more direct, and more intimate, as well. When you use fewer, stronger words, your piece is more effective.
Maybe add something new to Hell. Think about it. What if Hell is not hot? What if it is freezing cold, or nothing but a gray wall with no climbing over it? Or what if it's personal for each person? If you're going to leave this as a descriptive piece, you should probably make something new out of it.
I would take this part out because your poem is titled "Hell." It's a bit redundant, considering.
Anyway, I hope that you found this review helpful! I know that getting into poetry can be hard, so if you have any questions about this review, feel free to ask me! You've got a good start, and with a little more hard work, this could be a nice poem. Happy writing, and happy review day!
Hi! I *obviously* read your writing work and must I say, some good comments are heading your way. The visual imagery I get when reading this is just amazing. I can clearly picture the scenes this way and that, thinking about the person/character unfortunately experiencing this.
I find only a few grammatical errors that can easily be resolved. Even now, I find it silly to find them in my own work.
1. The first line.. Did you mean to say "Black acid pit of death with it's distant light of red fiery flame promising pain and suffering of hell" ?
2. And just a touch here: " The hell where the devil resides, his minions dragging you down; its claws latching onto you, swarming over your body"
3. "Your screams of pain as you slide down" only needs the 's' removed.
4. Perhaps this should be changed to: "The devil's joyous laughter filling your ears as his own screech in joy for the new subject to torture."
Overall, of these short little fixes could be made, then it would be absolutely perfect. Heh, why am I, as a fellow writer herself, trying to tell you how to correct your poem?! Do what you wish with this. I frankly enjoyed all the imagery I envisioned.
This is a wonderful work! Good job!
Okay, I think this is the gist of the poem:
It's about this person, going to hell.
It's about someone who is totally and completely hopeless in this fiery black hole, right?
Okay, that's what I thought.
I love the message the poem sends; at least, I understand it. This is from an outsiders perspective, so I have to look through my eyes. This is how I see it:
1. Message: clear
2. Visual (how well I see it, out of 10): 4
3. Rhythm: 2
4. Overall quality: 5
So basically a nice poem that sends a clear message but could definitely use some work.
it was more just something i put out there