trapped

Hi gammagamerale, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day and happy review day.

Theme: The theme through out your poem is an ominous one. A warning to run before we are trapped like the person in the poem. You created a threatening tone at the beginning of the poem and slowly changed it to more of a desperate tone. You used strong words that got the tone across.

Description: You used quite a bit of description through out the poem to get the grim feeling across. At first it was a more of a thin spread of description then right at the end, you really started laying it on thick giving the reader a real sense of desperation.

Grammar and Punctuation: There were quite a few grammar mistakes through out the poem.

I m trapped

I'm trapped

Trap trap trap

Walks thru my life

This is all u will see

Hey! herbgirl here for a review!
So, first of all, I'd like to say that I really like the imagery in this poem. Things like "A fog of depression" and "Sadness wrapped around me like a blanket" are really nice and descriptive. They help really paint out this picture of total despair that I think you are trying to communicate.
I had a few specific edits that I wanted to point out. In line four I believe "drive" should be "drives". Also, in line 39 you say "The dark goo to rush inside". I found this part a little confusing. Are you saying that the emotions of hatred, despair, and loneliness are the dark goo? Or was this just a typo?
One other thing I'd like to say is that I found the way you used abbreviated words like "thru" and "u" in your poetry very interesting. I haven't seen an real poetry that has this element, and I think that in a day and age where simplicity and brevity is idolized, it can really help communicate your ideas and capture a whole different region of readers. However, I have some advice for you if you'd like to continue doing this, and really make it into a sort of art. If you do continue to include the abbreviations, I would recommend making other things simplified, too. Any words that can be understandably shortened should be so, and capitilization should be kept at a minimum, along with punctuation. If you leave it as is, with partial abbreviated and partial fully written, it gives it this kind of half-finished air, which takes away the legitimacy of the poem and its message. However, this is your decision, and if you choose to leave it as is, it is still and interesting poem.
Thanks for the read! Keep up the good work!
herbgirl

Hello there! c:

I think this is a pretty relatable concept; most of us feel suffocated at one point or another, and lost and depressed. I also thought your experimentation with "u" instead of "you" was interesting- I like the idea but I think it would do better in a shorter poem, and beside some other txt language.

I did find this poem a tad long- only because I feel like you could have said everything you said in much less. In fact, I felt you got your point across around the first half of the poem, everything else just kind of feels like a repeat- and I'm not trying to be mean by the way.

I think you could also add a lot more colour to this poem by using some less common word choices. For instance, when I saw "depressed" I kind of didn't really get the feeling I was reading a poem anymore, it just kind of felt like a normal thing to say. Depressed is something people use daily to describe things, and so it doesn't really add much to your poem in my opinion. But perhaps you could change "depressed" for something like "melancholy" which is not only a beautiful word to say, but it's also beautiful to look at- and it's less common. Just a suggestion of course! And I just mean look over your word choices a bit and see if you can come up with some different words to give us a unique feel.

I think you certainly got your message across and said what you wanted to say- which is really good, because I know sometimes I don't find what I'm trying to say and my original thought gets lost and a new one comes up. So good job! Keep it up!!!

-Socks