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fight4whatisright wrote:The birds’ morning song woke him, but his eyes remained closed. Any minute now the Pull would drag him to his feet he would be off again, wandering the earth for eternity – forever alone. He waited. His fur was damp with morning dew, but it evaporated quickly with the rising sun. Still he waited. Still the Pull did not come. Flies buzzed around ears. Hope leaked away with every passing second. Yet he waited.

Nice intro.

The Pull is gone, a little voice inside his head breathed a sigh of sorrow. And it’s never coming back.

Awkward. Very strange image.

Blinking in the light of the day, he hauled himself to his four sore paws and set off once more. This time, however, he was leaving his hope behind.

Cliché.

Through the trees ahead(comma) he could see clear blue sky. He started towards it; the trees ended abruptly at a jagged cliff edge. Below lay a meadow, and in the meadow stood a cottage.

cliché.

“You,” Raven snarled, pushing her brother further behind her.
Please keep moving back, Shayne thought, with next to no sarcasm. I’d rather you push me off the edge of the cliff then be eaten alive by disease ridden inbreeds.
Shush, I snapped. “What do you want this time?”
“I want you.”

You need to use more senses, so far it has all been sight and sound. Introduce the other senses. The dialogue above isn't bad. The tags are a little cliché and don't add much.

Okay I won't nitpick the entire piece because it is too long. I think the main issues are the occasional strange/bizzare wording, clichés and the lack of appeal to the senses. You need to let us feel the entire scene out, we need to smell it, feel it, taste it and not just see it and hear it. Really drive home the feeling of being an animal the hate and the conflict. Use it all, please!?

JP

The birds’ morning song woke him, but his eyes remained closed.

As your opening sentence this should be more intriguing, it should pull the reader in and make them want to continue reading.

Any minute now the Pull would drag him to his feet and [There should be and 'and' in here] he would be off again, wandering the earth for eternity – forever alone.

Flies buzzed around his [Unless you mean other ears you should add the 'his' ] ears.

The Pull is gone, [I would change this comma to a period and begin a new sentence for the next line.] A little voice inside his head breathed a sigh of sorrow. And [I dislike it when a sentence is started with 'and', but that's just my personal opinion, I guess] it’s never coming back.

Through the trees ahead he could see clear blue sky. He started towards it [For starters, you can't really head towards the sky unless you're going up, cause it is all around above us]; [This semicolon doesn't really belong in here.] [This sentence is also a little strange the way it is worded. I might try rewording it somehow. For example, 'He came to the edge of the trees, the forest falling away as he neared the jagged edge of the cliff.' Or something. Sorry that was a lame example, I'm kinda tired right now.] the trees ended abruptly at a jagged cliff edge. Below lay a meadow, and in the meadow stood a cottage.

The thing looked ancient; paint peeled away from the old wooden walls like skin and [I think the sentence would flow smoother with an 'and' here] some of the grimy windows were cracked.

He thought the front looked sweet - [I would change this to a semicolon] the little veranda had a porch swing and pot plants hanging from the roof, white banisters and a welcome mat at the front door.

He scuttled [Scuttled? Really? Scuttling doesn't really seem like the sort of thing a wolf would do. Maybe you could think of a more fitting word] back, crouching low, then attempted to be perfectly still.

Clouds rolled in over head, spewing sleet upon them as the wolves [I would change this to 'the wolves as they'. You should tell us ho 'they' are first, before you start calling them 'them'] tightened their circle on Alexis, Jasmine, Raven and Shayne.

I snapped.[Here you write in first person, but the rest is written in third person. You should be consistent, either write in first person, or write in third person, don't jump from one to the other.]

They were naught ['naught' doesn't really fit in here. It doesn't fit with the style of writing here, either. I would suggest using a different word.] but blurry shapes moving in the heavying sleet to Alexis’ eyes as she was thrown about the rocks.

They soared through the air, plunging to their deaths off the rugged cliff.

The writing doesn't really seem to keep up with the pace of the story here. You need to create the right kind of atmosphere with your writing. The fight scene before this sentence as well. An action scene would need to be more fast paced to give it the right atmosphere. Here you say they plunge to their deaths just the same as you would someone swatting a fly. Just like it's another ordinary thing that isn't important at all. I know it ends up being a dream anyway, but at the moment, it's really happening. They really are fighting. Aren't the characters at all scared? Mad? Vengeful? You should let us know what the characters feel. Are they tired? Filled with adrenaline? Anyway, I'll stop bugging you.

“These,” Raven released the stack and the papers fluttered to the ground,

“Did he eat them but?”

What exactly is this supposed to mean? I don't get it at all, this is very confusing. Is it just a typo?

“Their [This should be they're, as in 'they are'] Raven’s,” Shayne said quickly.

So, I really like your idea so far, from what I read. I haven't read the beginning, so I really don't know all that much, but I like it from what I read. I've always really loved wolves and the idea of shapeshifting wolves. I like your characters as well, but they need more depth to them. Also, try a little more showing and less telling. I know it's really hard, but try to show us what is happening, instead of trying to tell us everything.

Anyway, good job and keep up the good writing

~Tayla