deleted

Review part two!

This chapter seems to be a contrast to chapter one. There are several characters introduced at once, and a lot of names mentioned, which makes it harder to really get to know the characters.

I did like the overall style, like the difference between talking with the pack in italics and talking aloud. It's interesting, and a nice change to normal dialogue.

The only critisism I can offer for this is to introduce the characters one by one. Maybe you could exaggerate their personalities for the time being to emphesise them, at least until your reader is familiar with them.

Heya again
Here to review as requested! You know the drill...

The full moon hung low in the velvety sky, casting an eerie glow through the canopy of the trees. The chilly night was far from silent as the pack weaved through the life-abundant forest. An owl hooted from far above and bugs chirped all around. The wolves could hear everything, from the scurry of vermin in the undergrowth to trickle of the stream three kilometres away.

I thought that this was a very good, effective opening paragraph! You used a lot of description, but thankfully, you used the right amount of action to balance it out. It's never a very good idea to begin a chapter with a description overload. By describing the wolves travelling through the forest, your descriptions were evened out by the actions. I'm hoping that you will do this throughout this chapter and the rest of the story. No pressure then.

Kasia’s snow white fur ruffled in the cool breeze as she trotted alongside Isius through the forest, searching for nothing and wanting nothing that she didn’t already have. They had everything they needed; each other. A bit cliché, but still, aww... Jazmun was in the lead, the dominant female. Isius and Kasia followed her loyally with Zeda and Sanel behind them. Being a pack, their thoughts were shared. A useful but annoying aspect of pack life.

Once again, your evening out your descriptions and your actions well in this paragraph. The descriptions aren't taking over the entire piece, and neither are the actions. So far so good, it seems!

Nearly home... they could all feel Isius’ enthusiasm. She wanted to get home to see her boyfriend, Daine.
He’s out with Kammal. Sanel, her little brother, reminded her, slightly envious that he wasn’t with the other men.
I know, but what if they get back soon? Each step Isius took bounced with impatience. I have to be there when he gets back.
Knowing Daine, they’re probably at a night club getting a lap dance, Kasia thought.
Isius ignored her, more focused on something that the others couldn't hear.Space hereMen are camping about two kilometres east, She warned them. Her senses were better than the rest of the packs. Just as Kasia was stronger, Zeda faster, Sanel stealthier and Jazmun more compassionate than it seemed possible.

My only critique about this chapter is that it has a bit of a Twilight feel to it. Simply because the wolves can project each others thoughts. Yes, I've read Twilight. Anyway, I think that I might have mentioned this in the previous chapter. There's nothing wrong with getting ideas from other books, you just need to make sure that you don't copy them exactly. I'm not saying that you're copying Twilight, not at all! I just want you to remember that you need to make this original if you want it to work. As long as there aren't any sparkly vampires in the next chapter, I'll be happy.

Thank you, Isius, we shall steer clear.
I’m hungry. Zeda complained.
You’re always hungry. Kasia sighed.
And you’re always-
Zeda! Kasia! Don’t fight.Space hereJazmun growled.
She started- Zeda was about to pin the blame on Kasia but Jazmun wouldn’t have that. She pounced on Zeda and bit her neck. Zeda rolled over, her ears flattened against her skull and her tail curved under her body submissively.

Who’s boss?
You. Sorry.
And you remember it. In order for a pack to be strong, our bonds must be stronger. If those girls don’t…these thoughts were not for the rest of the pack. In all their years, they’d learnt to recognize when a thought was directed at them and when it wasn’t. That way, they could give their family some privacy.

As a whole, I found the wolves discussions rather entertaining. My only nit-pick is that I think you could maybe include some more actions in between the discussions? It's just that, at the moment, the wolves discussion is in a bit of a clump. I'm one of those sad people who really don't like clumps of descriptions and clumps of dialogue or discussions. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Basically, just make sure that you even out the discussions and dialogue. I think that I actually noticed this in the first chapter. That's something you need to look out for.

It was helpful being able to read each other’s minds, but sometimes it got quite annoying. Kasia was special though. She could stop them from hearing her thoughts if she wanted to. But she rarely did. It was bad to have secrets and also, it pissed them off when they didn't know what she was thinking but she knew everything they were thinking.

You changed tenses here! I corrected it for you.

Kasia sniggered at Zeda as she stood up and returned to her place, trotting behind her. A minute later, she shoulder-barged past Kasia and Kasia who knew they’d crossed the border into their territory and could drop their defensive formation.

Race ya? Zeda thought to Isius and Kasia. She gave them a wolfish grin, her tongue lolling out.
Kasia rolled her eyes and sighed. They all knew who would win, and] who would come second, and who would come last. Isius was up for it anyway. She licked her brother on the cheek before barking, GO!

Yuck! Don’t lick me. Sanel pawed at his face.

Isius, Zeda and Kasia bounded through the trees, howling cheerfully as they went. The trees thinned and the ground dropped away into a steep cliff overlooking a green pasture in which their cottage stood. Kasia put her front paws on a jagged rock and let out a long howl. The rest of the pack joined her, howling in unison, not at the moon, not to stake their territory or call on other pack members, but to celebrate being a family.

This sentence was fine as a whole, I just think that it was a bit on the long side. Maybe you could try shortening it? That way, it would be a lot nicer for us readers to read.

I won, Zeda grinned. Since she’d become a shape-shifter, a year after Kasia, she’d taken a little too much pride in being the speediest.
Yeah, yeah. Isius sighed. We know you’re the fastest.
Yeah, fastest at running away. Kasia agreed.
Not everyone’s a fighter. Jazmun warned her. The girls often had arguments about courage.
Jazmun! Wolves are coming from the east, could be trouble.
From the east? The same way as the campers?
Isius grimaced. I can’t hear the campers any more.
You’re right, this could be trouble.

They gathered in their defensive formation, tense and ready for action. The seconds ticked by slowly. Now Kasia could also hear the wolves; they sounded like four males.

Five. Isius corrected Kasia as soon as she’d thought it. To prove her point, five buff male wolves emerged from the trees. The breeze carried their scent to the pack and their previous worries were confirmed; the wolves had devoured the campers. Woop! Go evil wolves! Isius and Kasia growled, but Jazmun silenced them.

Wait.

“Good evening,” She called to the other pack.
“I agree, this is a good evening,” the closest wolf smiled evilly.