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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hi, Em101cats here to review! (Because I'm broke on points right now, to be truthful
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Wow. Wow!!! Way to be CREATIVE! That's the first thing I have to say. I've never read something like this before, even from professional authors! GREAT WORK MAKING YOUR OWN ORIGINAL POEM!
I don't want to seem picky here, but 'grand kids' should be 'grandkids.' It's only one word. But that's a small error, don't worry about it.
One thing I want to say is you use the word "fade" a lot. I know you have an awesome vocabulary, try to use some of it to substitute some fades there! I know you can do it, you're a great writer!
This makes sense, but it doesn't make a lot of it. If you have NOTHING left, how do you still have the stories? Maybe you should try saying 'When we have nothing else left...' instead. To me that would make more sense. But it's your story, write it however you want!
I loved EVERYTHING else in this poem, however! Great great great great great job! I hope this review helps you!
~Em101cats
Hai, Laure here for a review, I've always wanted to write something like this for a long time, where our knowledge and memories will be passed down by stories. So I really love the fact you had that as your central theme. I'm going to break this review up into two parts, the content and the style and then the technical things.
Content and style:As aforementioned, I loved the central message around this poem, is beautiful, is up-lifting and is unique. The style in which you have written it in seems to be a free-verse poem with a strong and passionate voice, though there are places you can improve on. I love the repetition of the central message here, through different words and phrases. I wouldn't say the imagery was exactly vivid or incredibly sharp, however I say the emotions in this poem came alive under your words. Look here:
To me, those two lines really sang out your voice and emotions and gave me an image of the colourful words that will never fade, of tales that speaks of us, tales that will never fade because it will be carried throughout the ages.
So, I liked the fact you've written this poem with a passionate voice, well at least it seemed that way to me. Like you really placed your emotions on this page for all the world to see, I really love that.
Technical:
I don't know if this simile actually works here, I love the first line. But leather left out in the sun...just gives me an image of dry leather. Maybe...'like leather work out by time?' I don't know, but it just didn't feel right to me.
-> Grand kids should be one word.
I feel as if these two lines are redundant, they both say the same thing and the same message has been repeated a lot of times. Is not a bad thing as I have said before, but these two lines doesn't quite fit in with the rest of the time. It doesn't connect to the corresponding liens. One minute you're writing about how our memories fail us, and then you just to, 'they happened.' what's they? I know they is the telling but it sounds odd. Frankly, I think without those two lines, your poem will flow even better.
That's two as in those moments, unnecessary. Try to be concise with your language, you can probably delete the first and write instead, 'we will always be as brave, as fierce, as daring, as alive'
The as there, is already assumed. Like dates, you don't always write the 27th of June, you just write 27th of June because the is assumed. In this case is the same thing, so you could just write, 'in those moment'.
Well, that's as far as I can see. I'm no expert in punctuation but I think is fine, well, I hope I've been helpful and once again, love the central message! Keep 'em up!
-Laure