"My mind, blank as a pillow's head,
Has wandered to the Land of Dead.
I searched and searched and found instead
Miles and miles of land ahead.
Carving the mountains and pillaging snow,
I found a war of thoughts arow
And discovered my mind, but alas;
There, it slumbered in the grass.
When I returned to the Land of Wake,
I found a thought in a nearby lake
And swam and caught it carefully
In my mind," she said cheerfully
even as she sweltered then,
a strange, bemused girl of ten
who didn't have a clue that we
would never see a world so free -
would we?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
What first came to mind when reading this was the feeling of realizing the small role you play in the world. How every individual has a unique story that can't be changed. No matter how hard you try to change your past you can't. I struggled with this concept myself. I guess this poem really brought back to me the emotions that I felt when I realized the brutality of the world and the people who we share it with. Over all it was a great poem. No grammatical errors that I can spot and the imagery is exceptional. Two thumbs up!!
Thank you for the review
I'm glad that my poem connected to you.
Hello Fictional! This is Magenta here to review your poem that you wrote, the land of dead, or so you called this. Great poetry by the way. I just have a few nitpicks and comments to make as you continue on your wonderful writing journey...
I also wasn't sure if "arow" was spelled correctly. It just doesn't seem right.
""My mind, blank as a pillow's head,
Has wandered to the Land of Dead.
I searched and searched and found instead
Miles and miles of land ahead.
Carving the mountains and pillaging snow,
I found a war of thoughts arow
And discovered my mind, but alas;"
I wasn't quite sure why you had a quotation mark sign in the very beginning of your poetry work. This just didn't make sense so I leave that to you to fix.
I can't find much else incorrect or wrong with this but I think that this is a great piece. I can't wait to see some more of your writing in YWS...
~ Magenta
I made up the word "arow", actually, or at least I think I did
Good point with the quotations, thanks for noticing! 
Hello fictional, I loved it! I think the idea was simple and yet said very dramatically. I liked most the last part,
The idea of comparing a child's innocence to the world is amazing.
Also, I liked the idea of the calm in your mind before the storm of thoughts. I want to say something bad about this piece like how it's too long but I can't because it isn't too long to be boring and not too short to be disappointing.
This is really good.
Thanks so much
I actually rewrote half the poem - it used to have a different subject altogether. I can't even remember what.
Hi!
Just starting out so I hope this review goes well.
Anyway, I enjoyed the piece! No grammatical errors that I could spot, as well as beautiful word choice that created marvelous imagery. I also liked how the spoken part of the poem rhymed while the thought did not, creating a nice transition from the two. The work isn't too wordy as to become boring, and isn't too small to forget the important things needed to be said. You kept along with the title of the work, which I liked, and made sure the point was clear and consistently used.
Very nicely written overall! Great job!
Thank you for your lovely review! I hope you like it here so far. If you post anything I'll be sure to review it too!
Thanks! I actually just posted a poem called "Monsters in the Closet". I'd love if you took the time to read it and tell me your thoughts. Thanks in advance!
I will!