I Attempt To Describe The Wind

Hello! You remind me of my one friend from Ireland, but if she and Shel Silverstein were mixed together like yogurt. Anyway, review! I've noticed some other people mentioned that you need to smooth out your flow a bit, but didn't give many concrete examples and suggestions. So here I go, feel free to disregard anything I may say.

"As a breeze, it is,
and a dull muddy itch
like a sweater, it is,
when it's icky and humid
and un-windy out."

I very much enjoy this part, because it reminds me of a riddle. However, the last two lines seem to come to a dead end, and I think some rewording could really help. You might take out the "and" between "icky and humid" to give you some syllable lee-way for changes.

Something little; I like the little middle stanza, but it seems to be sort of overpowered by the others. Something that ee cummings and shel silverstein both do for beautiful snippets like this is to put them in parenthesis. That way it seems almost like a personal aside, or a whisper.

"Then the rat clambers off of
the edge of the fence,
it falls in the grass
with a feathery splat,
still alive, very
tired and confused,
just like you."

The last three lines seem a bit short. This is easily remedied in "still alive, very" because you might choose to add "still alive, but very", but the real issue lies in the last line. I would suggest adding an additional line before the statement "just like you" to even it out.

"And if that makes no sense
then consider what follows;"

Maybe take out the And in the beginning of this statement. When spoken aloud, it feels there are one too many syllables in the line.

Hopefully this review wasn't too annoying. As I said, take from this whatever you choose because it's just one person's opinion.
With a teeny bit of tweaking, I'd say this poem is publishable. You make the words positively dance!

Great poem! You're right. It doesn't make much sense, does it? But then again, that was the whole point of the poem. It seems a bit dark in places, which gives it just the right touch of serious and at other times it's playful which balances that out.

One thing I did notice, is that in places you really seem to flow and then in two phrases you'll suddenly go jerky and incoherent. I'd work on smoothing it out a bit. Work on rhyming and on making the phrases flow a bit more. Other than that, it's great. Keep it up!

I like trees, but by wind, do you mean flatulence? I was a bit confused about this. The length of your stanzas are irregular, which makes me rather concerned. This is also fairly spooky, which may make people scared. I think this was fairly contrived, and the missing I in "llusion" is kind of old fashioned. Apart from that, great job. I want to see you talk more about science and astrology.

Hi, Fictional!

This poem reminded me a lot of Shel Silverstein's stuff in some places, which is great, and it was kind of messy in others. A couple of times you got into a rhyme pattern and those were my favorite lines:

"And when it's really windy,
when floors start to shake,
when buildings get clumsy
and ovens won't bake,
then the wind is invisible,
bluish, and round.
This I declare,
daring not make a sound"

and


"And amidst all that
stand a fence and a rat."


This flows so much better than other parts of your poem and I really think you should look into trying to make the whole thing rhyme. It'll make it more cohesive and pleasant.

Overall it's good. I like that it has a playful vibe but at the end it gets a bit serious, gives the reader something to think about. Keep it up

I forgot to say, but how is this describing wind? " The rat fell with a feathery splat"???
I was simply wondering. I will stop commenting now I could be annoying you.

This is very interesting, I do however think some stanzas and verses don't really make sense, but overall, nicely written! I am confused as why a rat would fall with a FEATHERY splat. Rats are furry, not feathery! But that's okay Please check out some of my novel pages of Waterfall! ( I only have one page published ) I am also noticing some slight grammatical errors. Even thought they aren't that noticeable. Great work!