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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Clever title there! This poem is very good in both rhythm, pace, and rhyming and in message, and both are benifited by the seperation into two parts. The last line is promising and regular. What I would like you to do is change the line between the two parts, if you can, to a rhyming couplet of equal length. I feel this would keep the rhythm smoother.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thanks for the advice, you're right! I was leery of that part myself, but I was half-delusional due to...my ability to time-travel, in which I look up two seconds later and the clock has miraculously shifted from eight in the evening to two in the morning. Anyway, as I said, you're right! And I will edit my poem right now, in fact.
Much better!
Hey there. Here to review =)
The title you've chosen confused me at first. But after reading your poem, I get it now. It's quite fitting, actually, and I can't imagine it being titled anything else. I personally suck at titles =P
I try to be careful when I comment on poems, especially when it comes to their punctuation (and capitalization, sometimes, but it's not the case here, so let's forget about that). So I won't say anything, really. I think it looks nice as it is.
I really like this though. Just about everything about it. It really makes me think and I think that's the best kind of writing. When it makes you think. My favorite lines have to be:
Awesome lines you got there. Anyway, I liked this a lot! Looking forward to more!
-comrie
Thanks for the review! My art teacher inspired this poem, and her class makes me think more than any other class I have in school. Geometry included.
Thanks for reviewing...again...
Hello there, I like the theme you want to point up here. Also the same with the end rhyme in some lines up there. I'd really enjoy reading the poem too!
Just one thing I noticed here is the natural stop(the break lines). It seems like the break line affect the tone and the way the reader reading your poem. The rest is good. With a little improvement, it will create a great poem to read.
Good idea!Keep writing.
Thanks for the critique, it was very helpful and I'll be sure to use it!
I'm glad you enjoyed my poem. There are few things more pleasant than being appreciated.
I really liked this. The upbeat feel of the poem was a great reprieve from the dreary poems about cutting and whatnot I so often see. I liked the style of rhyme you used and the flow that it created. Also, the piece had a great message behind it. Why waste all your time alone when you could be out, enjoying the world? That's brilliant! Makes me want to go out and explore or something... even though it's really, really nasty out. Possibly my favorite line was this:
"Go paint a new picture
For you and the world
And make it a good one
(Of harmony swirled)."
I greatly admire your creativity with this, it's quite nice! I hope to see more of your great poetry in the future!
~Cirute
Thank you for the review! I'll make sure to read some of your stuff too, as soon as I can!
I just put up another poem, actually.
You're quite welcome!