His eyes glisten;
they are wet dirt.
Look at the painting,
it's alive!
Now stare at life,
notice that mailbox?
Down there's a bloom
that flourishes nightly,
unfathomable (yet
outshadows the moon).
The ground has a crack
(cold grey-green it is)
with a weed crawling through.
You'd think it a flower
but it was pulled too soon
to matter.
The sky's indescribable
(much too describable?),
all hues above sunrise
sluiced by a knowing
brush of the hand
(whose hand?)
and somehow
reassuring and
desperate
all at once.
Now eat your broccoli
that resembles a tree
(if only you were smaller!)
and your fork could be
a railway track,
your thoughts the speeding
chaos-train. So what
do thoughts resemble?
Do they make a sound,
do they have a color
or a taste?
But wait - you're out of tape!
And when you go get some
you see the cabinet's
not wood at all
but plastic, merely
painted grain -
it looks fine
(or does it?)
You take a walk
the next blue day
and see that
you can't see
at all.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hey there Fictional!
I'm here to read and review this poem. At first as I was reading it, I was kind of confused. I couldn't understand where you were going to go with this poem, what was the point? It seemed to jump everywhere. Although the closer I got to the ending, the more I saw it was all tied together which was nice. I'll run through the poem all in one but first let me talk about two general things I think could use improving.
I liked what you meant here, and I think this poem could have a bit more of an intriguing title than just look. It could be open your eyes, or peeking beneath the surface or something about seeing past what we take for granted. it gives a bit more of an insight to the message of the poem before, and is a lot more eye catching amongst other works like in the green room!
I was going to mention how you've chosen to cut up the sentences... but after reading for a while I think I like it this way. Make sure to cut it up into stanzas though otherwise you just get one big blogs. Like you have here...
If you use like wet dirt it will flow better in the poem and use the poetic device of similes as well. Double knock out!
You may need to work on this. I didn't even notice the 'soon to matter' belonged in that line at first, it worked perfectly as the first two simply on their own. If you do want to keep that in the poem, please cut the sentence differently so that it's more obvious what you mean.
I liked the thoughts of life in there! And also how we focus on one object for a while.
The ending just didn't quite cut it for me. I was expecting and waiting on something a bit more interesting than that. Maybe you should make it so that you don't say is I know there Is something I'll never have. But is having it really needed, in the end? Something like that leaves us wondering what is it she wanted so badly and the reader keeps on thinking about it.
Overall, it was a creative and imaginative poem. I enjoyed it!
Deanie x
Thanks for the excellent critique
You made some very good points.
The Shauzer here reviewing
.
You make things interesting, and that's what makes this poem so good.
Hi fictional, this poem was very odd! I mean it in a good way, if you crack open a human imagination like an egg, this is the yolk that would pour out. You have obviously put a lot of effort into this piece, God only knows how long it took you to put it together. I assume it's about nothing really in particular.. Just how things are much more interesting than they may seem at first glance. I like your style fictional
Keep writing,
TS
Thanks