Beginnings

Hi there!

I adore the wording of this poem. It's quite daring, the way you words things. I especially like "the fury of mice", and "afloat unlike butterflies pinned."

I have nothing to truly criticize about it. The words just flow off the pages, you have such a graceful rhythm.

Hello, fictional.
How are you? Me? I am okays.
The name's Kanome. And I am here to review for you~

Well, first of all, the lining in the poem is wrong. It is best to enter a new line to make it clearer to read for your audience. For example:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Hello, missy,
Can you tie my shoe?

Or something like that. It's only because the poem is bundle up into one paragraph, which kind of makes it hard for readers such as YWS members to read.

Other than that, I read your poem and it is remarkable. I can't wait to read more of it c:

-K

Hi there! I see you are new to this site, I'm pretty new too. But welcome!

This is a lovely, lovely poem. A strong vocabulary, very well written. I love the rhyme scheme as well.

Personally, I feel like it should not be written out like a paragraph. I feel like it should be more in the proper setting a poem usually is.

Very very good work!

Hey there!
Right, so, you say that this is poetry, but I have to say, it was would appeal more to the reader if it wasn't in a paragraph. Instead, in the familiar set out that a poem normally has.
But the actual content was very nice indeed, and I congratulate you on that
Some of your descriptions are very nicely done and give the reader a great picture

So overall, good content, could easily improve on presentation, so not a bad piece of writing AT ALL! Merry Writing!
-CFG

Timmyjake here to give you a review!

This was amazing! I loved how each rhymed, too! Very nice job on that... I see you are a new member as well, so you jumped in quickly. Welcome to YWS!!

I have a few nitpicks, but not many.

Firstly, its neat that this poem is in a paragraph, but it makes it confusing. I am not sure where your sentences end, starting a new line, and I think it would "look" more flowing if you separated this out into stanzas, like poems are traditionally done. Don't take it as gospel, just my opinion.

diff-er-ent --Like the review below me, I don't think that this adds anything.

just a mere silhouette) But I thought to myself ---That line I think doesn't need the brackets around "just a mere silhoute." I think you could extend it instead, making it a full line. And then I think it would flow easier if you replaced the "but" with an "And"

Hello! Kei here to review!

I also like how this poem is written in a paragraph as TakeThatYouFiend mentioned. At points it does leave one wondering where a sentence (or a thought) ends and where the next begins. I would perhaps consider adding a little more punctuation.

I think you have divided e-very-y and diff-er-ent in an attempt to stretch the syllables. This isn't necessary. It makes reading the sentence with 'every' somewhat awkward as one attempts to stretch it out. You might be able to get away with different, but I think you should just remove the spacing.


These parts confused me slightly:

"Striding footsteps - yes, those - unlike butterflies pinned"

I'm assuming this means the footsteps are free and not pinned down, but the "yes, those" is confusing since you already mentioned his striding steps in line 1. Maybe try to add in a word or two for rhythm and take out the appositive.

"One day next I saw twinkling, lost from the sky"

A little awkward with "one day next" maybe try "the next day." Just a thought.

"To a diff-er-ent place (as to notice the sun) Because to this half-hearted one, it's just begun."
I'm not sure what the "(as to notice the sun)" means, but maybe I'm just not understanding the description.

Also, I feel like you used some awkward wording in some places just to match the rhyme. I feel like this is the kind of poem that doesn't need to rhyme exactly. Try some slant rhyme or half rhyme maybe to not make the poem so sing-songy and then maybe you could use some more normal phrasing.

Now the parts I liked:
"He took long, striding steps, as if gliding on ice" Love the imagery here!
"They were brown as the grass was And stubborn like bee" Good similes!

I really liked your poem and the story in it. You really have a knack for poetry!
Keep Writing!
KeiPie

This is a very lovely poem, and I must say what an amazing avatar!
-I was impressed with the method of writing the poem in a paragraph form, it does wonders for the rhythm, and it is original idea. Top marks on that score!
-On the line "fury of mice.", I belive that you are trying to compare the timedness of mice. However the word "fury" has the opposite connotations. Sorry if I have missed a clever poetic device.
-In the line "To a diff-er-ent place", I do not understand why you have seperated the syllibles, sorry again if I am missing a clever poetic device.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!