Then-Later-Day

It's bizarre that you chose to express impatience (& perhaps other temporal frustrations) in such a complex way. Intriguing, of course, and certainly Seussical. I wouldn't agree it "has nothing to do with him [Seuss]," as his inspiration is so strong it's as if his essence were effusing from the page. That inspiration tones your work, associates him with it, and necessarily expresses him by expressing his style. It has everything to do with Seuss, and everything to do with growing out of the relative simplicity of his poems' structure and into a more convoluted stage of... well, of life. Stuck between Seussical childhood and the reality and confusion of growing up.

I tend to piece together overwrought interpretations of moderately simple poetry, so forgive my blustering. I'll be more technical in the remainder of my commentary.

I disagree with the comment below that "If only minute bits of now can be bitten?" throws off the flow of the poem; and furthermore I think that's one of the best constructed lines of the whole piece.

It is, rather, the two lines following "bitten" which I have difficulty tracking. (And the "Today and yestermorrow" line does break the rhyme flow.) I understand what you are meaning to say - that yesterday and tomorrow and today, murked together, can hardly agree with one another, can hardly be expressed all at once, let alone with the confusion you're attempting to portray. And hence "then-later-day," to fill that ephemeral void existing somewhere at the juncture of all those times, but still. The particular analogy you use doesn't provide the most obvious affordance to the average reader. Am I to naturally interpret the strange repulsion of oil and water as being similar to a barter? No, I think not. Similar, perhaps, to battle, or to back and forth, or pressure, or barriers or walls - but bartering is a somewhat detached metaphor for that interaction, and one which blocked my step briefly as I read your poem. Attempt to map meaning to your examples; and do not think oil and water is not a good analogy, for it's actually quite excellent, but rather try interactions other than bartering to express the similarity and emphasize the relevance of the analogy. Mmmh. Does that all make sense? Essentially, diction (and verb choice in particular) is a most significant part of a good poem. As such, I suggest choosing a different verb for "barter," as I don't think it makes the most natural sense. There. That seems to be easier to understand.

There's ambiguity to "...But how'd it get written / If only minute bits of now can be bitten?" in the contraction "how'd." I think "how would" is the most appropriate expansion, but I more naturally drift towards "how did" - thus forcing me to re-read the line to understand it. We're talking about a future invention of a word for a space of time, not the existing definition of that space of time. That mildly ambiguous contraction makes it harder to follow this early on, and I'd simply advise you to expand it for clarity.

This is sincerely an interesting and... diverse poem. Its Seussical whims are quite well written, and I appreciate the rhyme. I think its message could be more adequately portrayed, but its essence is really quite good - the mixture of time and frustration and the contradictions that naturally arise thereof. You do a decent job expressing all that, but really, I ended up enjoying your Seussical inspiration far more than your message. You could say that's a shame, but quite truly, I wasn't disappointed. Revise the seventh and eighth lines to flow better and make more natural sense, and it's a perfectly complete poem, remaining inadequacies easily interpreted as a touch of perfect imperfection.

Um...ah, er...what? im confused so i should probably introduce myself. Im the guy you will see who commented on your other story that you wrote a couple of days, weeks, months ago (i didnt check the date) Anyway its the one below this one.

So whoeveruare i have a few questions about your little brain defiler <-- ( i made that up aren't you proud of me) First i think it is a good story (had you scared when i said i was confused didnt i) and i also think it needs improvment (like my grammar) First your happy compliment time.

Compliments! The spice of your ego, my ego, other peoples ego. Anyway, i like how you used abbreviations to rhyme (that was a lame compliment) and i also like how you're poem had such an abstract plot. (theres a good compliment) I like how you incorporate your plot while keeping your poem looking like it has no plot. Its like a plot with no plot. Right? <--(what?) Anyway good work. I gotta go before my head explodes because im confused by my own response.

First of all, I would like to say hi!!
Now about the poem, all I can say is that it kept me interested, your idea about creating your a new time zone, like a new dimension, was very good.Obviously this day goes on forever, and the purpose of it all is to leave a mark in time.I am not good at poetry myself, but I am working on it.The humor in your poem has quality, and it brings me a smile whenever I read it.
The rythm of the poem is excellent, accept for a tiny thing that I didn't like:

"I'll invent a time. Yes, then-later-day!

Such a pleasant idea. But how'd it get written

If only minute bits of now can be bitten?"

the last two lines rhyme perfectly, but the first one, well, it kinda messed it up a bit.Why don't you try:Ι'll invent a time, then-later-day it shall be, with whom everyone is going to be smitten

Idk if you are going to like that but it sounds better to my ears.Other than that good work, keep it up!!

Hey Fictional, Strange here and I'm here to review a work from a person that doesn't exist! *Jazz hands*
At first, this really confused me. The ending kind of weaved around itself for a couple of circles and stopped. Usually, that's not good. I'm not saying it's not good, but it becomes muddled. Other than that, I loved it. The whole idea is great, and it brings humor! Yes, this should be under humor! I've read your other works and I loved them, and this doesn't upset me. It makes me even more happier! Great job Fictional, and I can't wait to see more from you!
Overall, great job by you, again!
Strange gives you...
9.3/10
Great job
Keep writing
Stay groovy
P.S Does that make your profile pic Flao?