So they gave her a textbook
And a rather plain blue pen;
They told her slowly to unfold
Just one page - seven-ten.
(The textbook was quite large, so simply
Bear this in your mind;
The pallid number isn't there
To merely serve as rhyme.)
"Work together, dearest children!"
Aforementioned "them" had said.
The ceiling chose to work with her
(and willingly!) instead.
Her thoughtful answers were marked wrong
Though they were true as night;
If they'd looked inches deeper
(lo, behold) what's that? Flashlight?
A flashlight in the brain, they say,
A way she sees those things.
She hears and feels and knows
Things that do not deserve a nose
(Let 'lone a body or a thought
Or one small withered rose).
She cares 'bout everything in sight
(And oh, it's boundless, is her sight)
And most of all, she's not alone.
Tens or hundreds, thousands maybe
See things in a different light;
'Pon the writing of their ways,
They're hushed and told
To quickly change.
To change.
And what is strangest of them all
Is that my number's wrong.
All of us are strange within,
None worth being gone.
The problem is that even now
It is so hard to find
An answer, because unlike math,
Life is countless kinds.
We are not one in any way
And cer'nly not in mind.
So simply to conclude this rant,
I'd like to say I'm blind.
Hello Fictional,
This is Magenta here to review your poem, Page Seven-Ten, which you have posted during the amazing review day contest. I read this poem and I thought that it was great. There isn't much to review on here because it seems as though you revised it based on the other people's reviews previously. I just have some suggestions for you.
"Bear this in your mind;
The pallid number isn't there
To merely serve as rhyme.)"
I am not sure that "pallid" would be the right word for this part in your poem. If you tell me what you meant to say, I can give you some words that will sound good instead. For now, I can only give you these which are synonyms for pallid. If they don't match up with what you meant, then don't use pallid.
Pallid-pale, white, pasty, wan, colorless, anemic, washed out, peaked, whey-faced, ashen, gray, whitish, drained, sickly, sallow
"(lo, behold) what's that? Flashlight?" I was confused. What is in the very beginning of the parenthesis?
"She hears and feels and knows
Things that do not deserve a nose"
It sounds a little confusing and a little strange. What did you mean by "not deserve a nose"?
Other than those few things, great poem and writing!
~ Magenta
Hi, thanks for the great review!
I love your username, by the way. By "pallid" I meant sickly, colorless, etc... as in drained of color, metaphorically dull or meaningless.
Does that make sense to you now?
You're good at it!
The part with parentheses - was intended to be an exclamation of sorts, like "woah, what's that?"
The "nose" part - in reading the part afterwards, it was intended to mean that..."these things that she cares about, and notices, are not meant to even be 'visible' or have a body (in other words, an identity) and with a body comes body parts, such as noses"
I tend to get overly metaphorical at times.
Thanks for reviewing, again!
Thanks! I understand now.
Hey there, fictional! I'm here for a quick review!
OK, there's not much to be said except that I really enjoyed reading this! The flow of the poem was brilliant and it really drew me in! You have this knack of "talking" to the reader, and that's what I love about your poem! Of course there's always room for improvement, so I'll just skim through what I think you need to work on, shall I?
First off, there's this bit:
that I feel isn't flowing too well. I see that Fiendy has mentioned this as well, so I'd suggest you change "plainish" to "plain," or even "rather plain" if you want to emphasize on the blandness of the school system I suppose the "plain pen" is trying to symbolize.
Then there's:
I think this bit seems rushed, and I think that's mainly due to the fact that it's one large block of a stanza. While the stanza before this one was alright, (perhaps due to the fact that it was more... lively?) this stanza felt vague and rather disconnected. I think it would be better if you divided it into two or more stanzas. And if you feel it would look awkward, then you could divide the first stanza up too. Then it would be:
I think this would make it easier for the reader to keep track of, as well as comprehend.
Since, everything else has already been covered by the reviews before mine, I'd just like to say well done on this poem! It was fun to read, and while I might not wholeheartedly agree with your viewpoint, it makes for a wonderful read! So keep it up, keep writing, and I'd like to see more of your works up soon!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Thanks for reviewing!
off to edit now...
It is such a pity this has so little reviews! (by the way you avatar is still awesome!)
-I really liked this, and the rhythe, pacing and rhyming are all great.
-The line "And a plainish bluish pen" is slightly flawed in my opinion by the repitition of ish. this makes the reader stumble slightly.
-The line "So simply to conclude this rant,
I'd like to say I'm blind." is fine, but I think it should be a seperate paragraph, as the last two rhyming lines, and because it is a conclusion.
-I aggree that the school system is flawed, but mostly I am on the teachers side. My mother was a teacher, and it is sooo wearing. You will soon find this out if you try teaching a class of badly behaved kids, whoses work you are marked on, and who you have no power against. This seems a little too anti teacher, but they have a hart time of it to remember.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
You make some really good points there!
I think teachers are some of the most amazing people in the world - I don't agree with the people sitting at the top and making all those standardized tests, though. They really can't say very much about a person's knowledge by asking him a question that could have many answers, depending on your point of view. Ooh - new poem idea!
I agree there-the problem is the curriculum is catered to exams, not subjects!
School am I right?
Absolutely so. Well, somewhat, anyway.