Chiron readied the camp for battle. The Athena kids set up a tent where they discussed strategy. The Ares kids sharpened weapons and helped with armor. Hephaestus set up traps and jars of Greek Fire around camp. Apollo waxed their bow strings and readied catapults and Hermes stole the landmines from the Ares cabin and set them around the traps. Everyone was doing their best, but Chiron kept muttering, "It's not enough." There was a tension in the air, a sort of anticipation.
After everything was ready, we waited. It was about five minutes until...
"They're coming!" A sharp-eyed Apollo kid shouted. I looked and saw a monster army marching toward us in the distance. I started to get hyper, shaking and fidgeting. I fingered the hilt of my sword. Everyone waited.
Minutes later the army had reached twenty feet from our camp. They stopped marching for a moment, then they charged. All Hades broke loose.
Some landed right on the traps the Hephaestus kids had set up and exploded. Some cracked open a Greek Fire container and blasted into golden dust. The Apollo kids fired the catapults and Ares, Percy, Athena, Hermes, Hephaestus, me, Will, Sadie, and Kronos charged, swords and daggers raised. I killed a monster with every swing of my blade. Some kids in Hermes went down and I saw one Hepheastus kid stabbed. It looked like we were winning but I couldn't be sure.
I caught my breath after I finished one dracenae. I surveyed the battle scene and saw the enemy going down every second. Dracenae fell and hellhounds exploded. Giants burst into a cloud of golden dust and Cyclopes evaporated. It was going well until--
"The Minotaur!" Someone screamed. I looked and indeed, a bull-headed guy dressed in armor wielding a five-foot-long ax stepped forward. I heard a New York taxicab whistle and a black shape plummeted out of the sky. I watched in amazement as Percy jumped on Blackjack and charged the monster. He slashed and cut, Blackajck diving and swerving out of the way of the deadly weapon. Finally the Minotaur fell backwards. Monsters surged forward, but he roared and pushed them back.
A whooshing past my ear startled me, and I saw a hellhound tackle some poor camper. I leaped over to them and swiped my sword through the furry black mass. It barked so loudly my ears combusted and then disappeared. The demigod got up, nodded at me, then ran off to fight.
All was going well until I saw Percy. He was going fine until the Minotaur finally hit Blackjack. By the looks of it, his wing was broken, and he spiraled down to the ground. Percy jumped off while Will Solace and his siblings rushed to get the Pegasus, and turned toward the monster. His eyes held anger, but he looked completely calm.
He somersaulted on the bull's arm and when the monster raised it, he leapt off onto its shoulder. He turned his arm and stabbed his sword right in the heart. Good thing? Monster disintegrated. Bad thing? Percy flew off his arm, onto the ground. Annabeth who was somewhere near let out a strangled cry as he thudded onto the grass. Chiron picked him up gingerly and headed off to the infirmary.
I hadn't quite recovered from the sight and suddenly, a spear point jutted out of my gut. "Die, demigod," A dracenae hissed, and yanked the spear out.
I fell and blacked out.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey there, yizhongt here to bring this work out of the green room.
Let me just start by saying that I loved reading this piece. I read chapter twenty-three and thought the action there was already good, but let me just say that the action in this chapter is even more intense. You kept the flow of the battle well paced and very much alive and packed with action.
Like Chaser said, you might want to try to use other words than 'I' when you start your sentences. Although I know it might be difficult to do so, as I find it difficult at times as well. I don't see any sort of grammatical error in your writing.
Good piece of work. Keep on writing. Cheers !!
Reading without context is sometimes fun.
You've got no grammar errors, and your only spelling errors are "from out camp" and "Mnotaur."
As a whole, you tend to start many sentences with "I." You may want to mix in some variation with sentence beginnings.
You also repeated "He" as a sentence beginning with "He somersaulted" and "He turned."
You do well to keep the general mood of battle alive, throwing a bit of action into each sentence. You could expand your vocabulary, that's my only suggestion.
My only nitpick is that "Chiron picked him up gingerly and headed off to the infirmary." Try to infuse that with a bit more urgency. That's really all, since this is a short chapter. But this is some excellent work. Cheers.
-Chaser