I really didn't mean to unlock the worst Titan ever, even though he's my dad. I didn't mean to send the world tumbling through time. I didn't mean to send hordes of monsters out into the real world. I didn't mean to, but I did.
Why, hello there. I'm Jasmine Felton, and I am the average age for tenth grade. Jasmine may be my real name, but do NOT call me that. Just Jaz would be fine, since you won't like what I'll do if you call me Jasmine.
I promise you won't like it.
Anyways, I'm one of the three time travelers, along with Sadie and Will. Sadie is almost like my sister, and Will is this prissy student from England who always has a smirk on his face. He hangs out with the Stoll brothers, twin sons of Hermes and the ultimate pranksters. We are all demigods, me being a daughter of Kronos, Sadie a daughter of Nyx, and Will a son of Khione. Sadie has blue eyes, but her favorite color is black. Will is brown haired with also brown eyes and can make snowballs in seconds. Me? I have blonde hair, but I'm not dumb. Gold eyes with flecks of black. During the school year, something strange happened (although I've gotten used to strange now). Listen carefully.
So it all started out during math. My teacher swooped down on me like a hawk because she was making me glaze over, and thought I wasn't paying attention. So I said, "Yeah, you want me solve a problem. Why don't you do it? Oh, wait, you're too cowardly. And that kind of problem is impossible." I was feeling grumpy that day. I think everybody had that kill-me-now look. I was supposed to "solve" a problem with absolutely no solution. Well, I was wishing I could go forward in time have someone solve the problem instead of me, since I didn't hear anything about these problems. The crazy thing is, I actually did go forward in time, and Elena, another girl in my class, solved the problem instead of me. Nobody seemed to notice the strange feeling I had when I did travel through time-I felt like I was a contortionist-that-wasn't-supposed-to-be-a-contortionist.
Well, in Language Arts, my favorite subject, I did it again. We had just finished free writing and I was walking out the door, wishing I could go back in time to do free writing another time, and it actually happened! And I was in luck because nobody even seemed to notice any difference (for the second time)! The next day, I told my mom about it. Apparently, she knew from my birth that I needed to go on a quest or I would die. We didn't know the deadline. Sucks, right? I, of course, was totally shocked and nearly fainted. Somebody would have to use a mega spatula to peel me off the ground. I was thinking I could go back in time and just buy a few more years, but then I would also be killed at a younger age. So, I was forced to go on this quest, and here I am now, telling you about it.
Sadie, Will, and I had totally had no idea which way to go, and we were arguing at the boundary of Camp Half-Blood, next to Thalia's pine tree. We had to find the key to unlock Kronos from his prison, caught in Tartarus. Tartarus is the ultimate jail for any monsters that angered the gods. It's dark, creepy, and revives the monsters, so I have no idea why the gods send them there. Back to the present. I said, "We should go to Los Angeles. That's where the Oracle told us to go!"
"How can you be sure?" Will smirked, totally knowing I didn't. I thought for a moment, then a lightbulb hit me. I did remember a faint phrase about Los Angeles in Spanish when I was in fifth grade...
"I'm going to call Leo for a sec," I shouted above the arguing. I then made a rainbow with a hose that was available in Camp Half-Blood if you needed to make Iris Messages. Throwing a drachma in the rainbow, I chanted, "O Iris, Goddes of the Rainbow, accept my offering. Show me Leo Valdez, Camp Half-Blood."
"Hey, Jaz, wassup?" Leo asked, one of my best friends there. He was one of the seven who defeated Gaea at age sixteen. He could also control fire (and speak Spanish).
"What's Los Angeles in English?" I inquired, going straight to the point.
Looking at me strangely, he said, "The angels. Why?"
"Thanks! I, um, gotta go." I said, and swiped my hand through the mist. I went back smugly to my friends. I commanded, "Recite the prophecy." To Sadie, who had the best memory. She tugged on her rainbow-dyed hair, blue eyes staring at me intently, and said,
To the City of Angels you must go
To unlock Kronos, friend or foe
Titan and hero must unite
To destroy Chaos and take flight
If you don't, the world will end
It'll destroy family and friends."
Well, here's my chance."I just asked Leo what Los Angeles meant in English--"
"Uh, isn't Los Angeles already English?" Asked Will stupidly, with a smirk on his face.
"No, it's Spanish! Let me finish! OK, so I asked him what it meant, and he said the angels. The City of Angels is Los Angeles!" I announced proudly. Will huffed and grudgingly got in the car, angry since I had just proved him wrong. We had to borrow a Honda from someone else since we didn't have a car, and Will, barely sixteen, got to drive. "When you're a demigod, you get to drive at age 14." I once lied, hoping to drive at least once, but he wasn't buying it.
Anyways, he grumbled, "Get in the car. Let's go meet some angels."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
This was okay. I liked the parallels to the first Percy Jackson book. However, the writing left something to be desired. Some examples: I noticed a few comma errors and a missing word here and there. Also, you told us what happened with her mother and the big prophecy reveal, instead of showing us, which is a common mistake, but still detracts from the story.
On the plus side, you have a likable main character, some humor, and the characters are children of less-known deities, which is interesting and unique.
Edit this and you'll have a pretty great story.
Hi Nightshade21 here! I'm a huge PJO fan so when I saw this I exploded with excitement!
So I liked how you started the story you jumped straight into the action which was good. I also liked how your prophecy sounded good when said aloud and related to the story not to long or short just right. Your character also are good they bounce off one another really great and are relate able to the readers.
only thing I would suggest instead of telling what your characters look like show by mentioning their appearance her and there. Other than that I love this!!! You are a really good writer from what I see.
~Nightshade21
Thank you, nightshade21! You think I'm a good writer? Okay, that truly is not the best fact you can say...
People still know how to critique my works!
Hi! I decided to review this because I felt like reviewing something... xD (The Olympians is a favorite!)
"Uh, isn't Los Angeles already English?" Asked Will stupidly, smirk on his face.
I'm positive that 'asked' wouldn't be capitalized. I've seen nearly all writers on here use it lower cased after dialogue, as do I. After 'stupidly,' I suggest adding in 'with a'. I think you'll get my point after reading it a couple times.
Anyways, he grumbled, "Get in the car. Let's go meet some angels."
Since 'anyways' is still dialogue, it needs quotation marks around it.
To the City of Angels you must go
To unlock Kronos, friend or foe.
Titan and hero must unite
To destroy Chaos and take flight.
If you don't, the world will end
It'll destroy family and friends.
Instead of using 'the world will end' perhaps you could use something more descriptive like 'the world will fall into the ruins of smoke and ash; for we are only remnants of smoke and ash ourselves.' Something like that. I'm suggesting that you also use grammar in some of the lines you put like 'Titan and hero must unite' with a period, or just no grammar at all because that's how they would usually do it in a book.
Will is this prissy student from England who always has a smirk on his face
Hilarious!
I also just wanted to say I love angels in books because it's like the Infernal Devices all over again! I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEE THE INFERNAL DEVICES!!!!
Okay...and when you said to put quotation marks around dialogue, that wasn't dialogue. It was Jaz.
Thanks for the advice!
Oh. Oops.. lol
Your welcome!
LOL! ^_^
Hello!
I'll review as I read.
First of all, congratulations on writing this at such a young age.
" Why, hello there. I'm Jasmine Felton, and I am the average age for tenth grade."
I think it would be better if it was "I'm as old as the average tenth grader would be." isntead of "I am the average age for tenth grade."
Remember "anyways" isn't a word. It should be writing "anyway" but don't worry, many people make this mistake. Just remember that "anyway" is an adverb and an adverb can't be plurial.
I like how in the first paragraph you started of immediatly with the story. Sometimes authors explain stuff that we really don't care about, but it'a not the case here.
I also really like the main character. She seems very realistic. That's amazing because lots of charcaters are usually not very realistic and seem fake (kind of like some of my character.)
"I'm going to call Leo for a sec," I shouted above the arguing. I then made a rainbow with a hose that was available in Camp Half-Blood if you needed to make Iris Messages. Throwing a drachma in the rainbow, I chanted, "O Iris, Goddes of the Rainbow, accept my offering. Show me Leo Valdez, Camp Half-Blood."
Make sure that the dialogue isn't mixed with the restt of the novel, use spaces. Example: Instead of writing it like:
"I'm going to call Leo for a sec," I shouted above the arguing. I then made a rainbow with a hose that was available in Camp Half-Blood if you needed to make Iris Messages."
Write it like:
"I'm going to call Leo for a sec," I shouted above the arguing.
I then made a rainbow with a hose that was available in Camp Half-Blood if you needed to make Iris Messages."
It just makes it more professional. Anyway, other than that, there are just a few spelling and gramatical mistakes. Make sure you review your work another time.
Thank you for reviewing!
I think the paragraph launched into it; I often find myself doing that and have to correct it. You need to engage your readers more; let them find more about the character as the story unravels. Anyways-- I love the Olympus series, so I find myself liking this too. Really the only advice I have is to have a more slow pace instead of launching into it; like I said earlier. This is a really good start, though!
Thank you! I haven't noticed the launching thing, but I might fix that in Chapter 15. Check it if you wanna see how I did! I'll send ya a link!
I really love y'all who review...
Hey, Wise! As promised, I'm here for the first chapter!
Happy Review Day!
Oohkay, so I really liked the way you began this chapter. It was very engaging, and also made me smile. You gave us the gist of what your story is about, and it was very ... precise, the way you hit us with that brick-of-a-fact/info/whatever. I find it intriguing that Kronos is your Main Character's dad, because her position is an interesting one, considering Kronos is evil and all. I also have a vague idea where this is going, and am determined to forget the last chapter I reviewed because it'll totally take the expectation out of things.
Anywhoo, where was I?
Oh, yeah, reviewing. Right.
As I said before, your beginning was very natural, fluid, and blunt. The next couple of paragraphs threw me off a bit, though, because they were such chunks and consisted mainly of information you could have given to us otherwise. The way your main character said: "Why, hello there. I'm Jasmine Felton ..." and went on to give us details of her age, appearance, her friends' appearances, etc. was a little cliché. I think you could make it look less like a character sketch in that instance. Don't tell us what your characters look like straight out, but give us a scene that involves more show and less tell. Like, I don't want Jaz to narrate the classroom scene; I want to see it. I want to see her annoyed face as her teacher swoops down on her, some dialogue. I'd also like to see how she managed to time-travel, since that in itself is pretty interesting.
As for appearances, you could show those to us, too. Like Jaz twirling her blonde hair around her finger, looking slightly enviously at Sadie's dyed hair, which could be some pretty colour? That would also give more room for us to get to know your characters. Jaz already sounds like an interesting person, but I feel as though you could go slower with the scene so Jaz isn't narrating it but experiencing it? My two cents.
The pacing near the end gets a bit fast. I think it could slow down there.
I loved that you mention Leo in this. <3 He's one of my favourite characters. Overall, this was good, Wise! I'm moving on to the next chapter now.
Keep writing! Keep it up!
PM me if you need anything~
~Pomp
YOU MEAN THERE WAS A PERCY JACKSON FANFICTION FLOATING AROUND THE SITE AND I HAVEN'T READ IT YET??
Sorry for the caps, but like, Percy Jackson is amazing!
I shall be back to start reviewing soon! *saves spot for review* Just wanted to say that ^_^ Right now I really need to sleep...
Ya! Thx!
I really like myself, and although no one is reading this, I will see if there is any confusion. *clears throat dramatically and puts on extremely large glasses*
Ah, here's one. About Jaz's last name. If you know Tom Felton, actor of Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter books, then please do not confuse her as a relative of Draco. They might be distant cousins. I dunno.
Khione is an icy goddess of snow. Pun intended. She is a D-List goddess (if you've read The Lost Hero then you know what I'm talking about) and has coffee brown eyes with coal black hair. She loves white (big surprise) and she hates her stupid brothers, Zethes and Cal. Khione can freeze your mouth shut, summon icy cold winds that throw people off to unknown islands (read the House of Hades), freeze entire people to the floor, and make exploding wind bombs to leave on your ship.
Kronos is the Titan of time, often called Cronus. He is the namer of chronology, and can slow time down to make it look like you're walking through thick honey. Has gold eyes with no pupils, ram's horns connected to his head, body pieces glued together by fire, and claws. He can swallow people to posess them (see The Sea of Monsters movie) and blow people back into walls. Can also be smashed by a large, blue butt (read The Last Olympian:)) and threaten you like he means it. Actually, I think he does. No, wait, I'm sure he does.
Nyx is the titaness of night. She has lotsa sons and daughters, all dark, dismal, and gloomy:
Aether, Hemera, Moros, Apate, Nemesis, the Keres, the Moirai, the Hesperides, Oizys, Momus, the Oneiroi, Hypnos, Thanatos, Philotes, Geras, Eris, Charon
I dunno a lot of them. But Hemera is the goddess of day (weird), Nemesis is the goddess of revenge, the Hesperides daughters of Atlas protecting the golden apples/wedding gift from Zeus to Hera, Hypnos the god of sleep, Thanatos the god of death, and Charon the ferry master of the boat to the Underworld.
Back to Nyx! What can I say? She is almost darkness itself, you can barely see her. That's all I know.
Camp Half-Blood is an old camp for demigods, sons and daughters of gods and goddesses. Technically Jaz, Will, and Sadie are not welcome, since their parents are not that welcome either, but they are on an epic death quest. And they are time travelers. Anyways. *laughs nervously* this special camp is run by Chiron, the only good and tame centaur in history. His brothers are the Party Ponies. This camp has a cabin for each of the twelve gods, including Jades. Some minor gods too. It has a climbing wall with lava pouring down for a little extra challenge, a brazier to sacrifice food to the gods (although they only eat and drink nectar and ambrosia), a amphitheater, an arena for sword fighting, and a traditional camp fire for news and sing-alongs. On Friday, they play a mixed up version of Capture the Flag, with red and blue teams. They separate up the cabins into two teams, wear armor, and fight for the flags. Like, wound each other. All magical items are allowed. The lake is the boundary for capturing it.
That's all I can say for now!
Hi, wisegirl22. This is Pinkie here for a review because you asked to do it. So I will try my best on it. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on my pink glasses*
This is good story. It seems so interesting and very good. I wandered what fanfic are you talking about because it seems like Percy Jackson fanfic. (This story is about Jasmine and her friends who are demigods, right? So I guessed that.) I think this story will exciting and memorable when I read this. I also like the ideas that you gave from this.
However, the descriptions are not showing me on what is happening in the story. You need to gave us some imagery in here to show us. Also, the characters are...not really seem realistic to me. I know you gave us what they are, but I just don't see them of what you said in this story. Maybe you need to work on these stuff.
Overall, good job on the story. I enjoyed reading this chapter. I hope I was too mean in this review. Well, have a great nice.
Good Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Percy Jackson. Love that book. read all of it.
I knew!
Oh, and, why am I writing reviews for the oldest ones in the Green Room but still am not getting any coins??!!
You should be. Are you marking the reviews as a review? You see that "Is that a review?" button below of the text space? Are you marking that as yes from a no?
Ohhhh...no. Thx!
Can anybody donate coins? I only have 25, and a new chapter is coming up.
I changed a lot of it, I might go back and add a little more description. Tell me what you guys think!
Hi there! I see you are fairly new to YWS. Welcome to the site.
I'll review as I read.
There is a lot of telling going on here. We are introduced to Jaz and she immediately launches into the story and puts everything on the table in her own words. A good story has a lot of showing than telling. It creates a much better and refined story structure. What is happening here is you are telling us things. You have told us her name, how her best friend is, who Will is, so on so on. the same can be "showed" Instead of just saying Will is this super annoying guy you can make Will behave annoyingly hence making the reader get the idea about Will.
Your beginning paragraph is very important for it decides the reader's interest. You need to frame it in such a way that the reader is curious to know more.
The second paragraph takes us through so much in very few words. Some would prefer it and some would say it lacks details. I do think you should slow down there. Talk about this ability she has. What did she feel like when she discovered she could time travel. A lot of intense emotions must have taken play. She discovered she is a daughter of a god. That is a big deal. So that part must be shown with a lot of details. Use her senses. How did she feel when her mother confided about the quest and all that.
Dialogues of each person must be placed in different lines. I've done it here-
Overall,
You need to work on your descriptions. We have no idea about the place they are in, how they got there, how they look etc etc. These things add life to characters. After reading this I feel nothing for the characters. They are just there, lifeless.
This link might be helpful for the show and don't tell rule.
You have got a good underlining plot going on.
Keep writing!
Thanks a lot for the feedback. I'm so excited about this sight!
Oops. I never put in the link!
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/show-dont-tell/
Thx!
Hey, Geo here for a review. I like the idea and concept of your story, I really do, and I feel you have potential as a writer, because the concept and idea you present here could take you a long way. However, as the first chapter I feel like you rushed. You could of described your characters and their surroundings more to make the story feel more complete. I really feel like you jumped from place to place too quick or without much warning.
Overall, keep writing, and try to improve the next chapter.
Favorite part:
"To the City of Angels you must go
To unlock Kronos, friend or foe.
Titan and hero must unite
To destroy Chaos and take flight.
If you don't, the world will end
It'll destroy family and friends."
I like what you did there. Keep writing, you have potential, just find what works best for you.
Have you ever read Percy Jackson
No I haven't, but I heard it is really good.
You should! I've read all of them!
I will definitely buy them soon! And keep writing, I am interested in your story!!
Thanks a lot! BTW, if you don't know Greek mythology, Kronos is the Titan of time, Nyx is the Titan of night, and Khione is the goddess of snow. Camp Half-Blood is for people like Jaz and Sadie, demigods. Chaos was actually a creature in Greek mythology, even though it's abstract.
Hi I am EPICnumber1.
I did like this story but there is not enough description in it. You wrote the starting paragraph like you didn't care who knew your secret. You also need to add more of the 5 senses in there like what did she see, what did she touch, what did she hear, what did she smell. I love the plot line, I really like the demigods bit and the little poem add a bit of variety in there. I didn't feel any sympathy for jasmine and her friends at all because there is NOT enough description you need to say what her surroundings looked like or what her friends even looked like.
This is good but you could make it even better with a bit of editing but keep writing because I want to see the next chapter of this
See ya!
I'll see about description. New chapter soon!
As soon as I get enough coins! I need about 200.
Now I need 275. !!!
Love myself!