Peering through the murk of Tartarus, I pushed my sword around, trying to use its celestial bronze glow for some light. Never had I thought I would be journeying through this pit, fighting monsters and getting my hair dirty and ratty. Though that was before I found out that I was a demigod.
"See anything?" Will asked from behind, almost slamming into Sadie since he was walking backwards, acting as a defensive caboose.
"No," I sighed, rolling my eyes. "I would've told you if I did, idiot."
"Hey!" He protested, and I smirked, still trudging through blackness.
"Will you two please stop arguing?" Sadie snapped in frustration. I chuckled a little; my best friend and I even sounded alike.
I had no idea what time it was in the mortal world, neither did I know what my friends thought of me. Nor did I justify how we would get out of this place, maybe Kronos could transport us up to the top. I wanted to scream from all the emotions that were passing through me: anger, frustration, fear, anticipation, hunger, thirst, and worry. Will and Sadie looked about the same as me, biting their lip to keep from jumping up and down.
"Let's rest now, we can't walk any further, can we?" I tested, noting my friends' inhuman yawns and the pinching on arms to keep awake. "I'll take first watch."
"Stop tantalizing me!" Will grumbled, his head hanging limply downwards, arms dangling beside his legs.
"I'm not, get some rest!" I shot back, and plopped myself down on the floor, gesturing for Sadie and Will to sit down as well. They reluctantly sat down, trying to get their heads comfortable on the rocky ground. I finally gave them my death glare, and they immediately thumped their heads on the floor as I tried to stifle a laugh.
Unsheathing my weapon, I looked around sharply, daring anyone or anything to come charging out of the shadows. Once I thought I heard the beating of leathery wings through the air, but nobody appeared, so I decided it was my imagination from lack of sleep.
No one came into view, and no matter how many times I whirled around, inspecting my surroundings, not one monster, much less Kronos, relieved my strain. Before I knew it, my eyes were drooping, and I couldn't help it. Finally, checking my friends one last time to see if they were safe, I slumped back and went to sleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello, Wisegirl! Gods I love Percy Jackson fanfictions! Naturally, then, I like this. I will, however, do my absolute best to help you make it perfection.
The first nitpick I found was this...
It's nothing major. I suggest you get rid of 'though' at the start of the second sentence and just begin it with 'that'. It just makes it seem more.... BAM! You see how sudden and sure that was? That's what I mean.
Defensive caboose. XD I love that!
You don't really need the 'even'. If you want an extra word, you could make it 'very' alike.
Lip needs to be a plural. By having it singular, you're implying that they share the same lip.
'The pinching on arms' doesn't flow too well. I'm not even 100% sure how to fix it, but perhaps 'the pinching of their arms' would sound better.
There is nothing wrong with this! I just wanted to tell you how great the line is! You did a great job at describing the uncertainty of Tartarus and the creatures that inhabit it.
That's all from me! Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
I like the setting for this and I suspect it might be Rick Riordan inspired. Forgive me if I'm wrong. I like the description as well as they way you've used dialogue for effect rather than to just fill in blank pages.
One thing which I wasn't a fan of was the ending. They just go to sleep? Whilst having them go to sleep is perfectly acceptable, I think that you could probably draw it out a bit more. For example, you could have them trying to keep themselves awake by reliving their past or by singing to themselves. I think that, in the circumstances, the character would at least make some sort of effort when it comes to keeping themselves awake.
I like the characterisation in this piece; I think it makes it easier to read, especially when the characters are making light of a difficult situation.
So far, I like this and I think I'm going to have to go back and read the rest. I can't help it; I'm hooked.
Ya! Finally! It is based off of Percy Jackson, and I also joined the Percy Jackson club, along with a fan club in my class. I'm a fan girl.