E - Everyone

Going through Time-Chapter Eighteen: I'm Down Under in the Underworld

    White mist parted around me. I was encased in a swirling, writhing cage of snakes of smoke. I couldn't see five inches in front of me, it was so thick, but I somehow knew someone was there. Screams echoed around me that sounded like somebody was in pain, but there was also some growling mixed in with it that definitely did not belong to someone human. I opened my mouth to speak, but it was as if I had lost my voice. Nothing came out, and once I closed my mouth I doubled over, coughing. Then the fog lifted, and I looked up to see a man.

     The man had piercing black eyes that seemed to look into your soul. And by black I mean completely black. I felt like I was looking at pure night when I peered into those eyes. Oily black hair dangled down to the man's shoulders, and his mouth was twisted into an evil smile. Black robes draped over his body, but when he moved faces appeared in the cloth: screaming in agony and pain,   or wailing for things that were desired. I saw the faces yelling, but no sound reached my ears.

     The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and I knew I was in the presence of a god. Judging by the faces in his robes and the smile, I guessed that this was Hades, the god of the dead. As if reading my thoughts, the man smiled even more manically and spread his hands to the fiery background behind him. "I am Lord Hades, yes. Welcome to the Underworld."

     I clenched my fists and growled. "You...you..." I was able to speak now, but I was so mad I couldn't form sentences. This was the god of death, and I must be dead right now. "You killed me."

     "Ah, my dear, I didn't kill you. You see, I gave specific orders for a senior empousa to come after you, but it wasn't me who actually killed you." Hades reasoned. I shook my head furiously, but that only makes him laugh.

     "Where are my friends?" I asked menacingly. Hades smiled again and opened his hands. An image appeared, kind of like an Iris message, but this one had black fire swirling around it. I saw Will, Sadie, and Kronos dodging and running through the streets, occasionally glancing back behind them in fear. I looked where they were peering and saw a black cloud following their path, oblivious to the mortal's eyes. It passed right through people as if it were only a spirit, but now and then I saw a male form laughing in the midst of it all. It was Chaos.

     Hades closed his hand and looked straight at me. "Your friends are in a...difficult situation," he spoke, glaring at me while he did so. "And it's because of you, my dear."

     "How?" I screamed. I couldn't have done this to my friends. I didn't make Chaos come after them.

     "Oh, but you did." Hades smirked. "After Chaos had that unfortunate...slip-up, he was angry. He originally followed your group to destroy you, but after I got that done, he wanted to kill your colleagues and your...ah...father." He said the word father like it was something on the bottom of his shoes. And this being Hades, I was pretty sure that was much worse than some others.

     "Then why are you not stopping him? He wants to--"

     "Yes, yes, bring Olympus down and all that. But girl, we're working as a team. Once he does that, I will take the throne and force all the gods to being minors. Then I shall take that little camp if yours and that Jackson boy and make them the slaves of the Lord of the Dead!" He exclaimed. I could tell that he believed his plan would work, but I knew different.

     "You know, Hades, as the God of the Dead you're pretty cowardly." I said smoothly. I don't know how I did it, but I stood my ground as Hades glared at me.

     "You're wanting to get rid of Percy so you can stop him from destroying you." I sneered, and Hades looked as if he would explode. "Girl--"

     "Do what you want. I'm dead already," I shot back, then turned away from him and looked the other way.

     Hades smirked, then grabbed my arm and dragged me towards a shadow. "You'll be sorry you said that, girl!"

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Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review · Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:33 am

White mist parted around me. I was encased in a swirling, writhing cage of snakes of smoke. I couldn't see five inches in front of me, it was so thick, but I somehow knew someone was there. Screams echoed around me that sounded like somebody was in pain, but there was also some growling mixed in with it that definitely did not belong to someone human. I opened my mouth to speak, but it was as if I had lost my voice. Nothing came out, and once I closed my mouth I doubled over, coughing. Then the fog lifted, and I looked up to see a man.
I shall start this review with literally the best paragraph of description you have ever written. It's amazing, your best writing yet. The white mist is a great way to begin, it opens up the scene like a door, and the reader imagines your character all alone in the swirling smoke. Then your character mentions that they just know someone is there, and the reader feels a shiver down their spine. You end the paragraph with mention of a man, which makes me want to read on, but I'm worried for your character's safety.

Screaming in agony and pain, or wailing for things that were desired.
You've got a couple too many spaces here. And, by the way, you're descriptions in this paragraph were also amazing. You've come a long way. :D

"Where are my friends?" I asked menacingly. Hades smiled again and opened his hands. An image appeared, kind of like an Iris message, but this one had black fire swirling around it.
It makes me extremely happy that her first thought was of her friends.

That's all I've got to say. Once again it was an absolute pleasure to read your chapter, wise girl. Keep writing!

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Raindeer
Review

Hi, there!

I haven't read your previous chapters, but I noticed this had no reviews, so I'm going to give it a shot.

So. Wow, I loved your description. You had quite a lot of imagery and it was very intense and enjoyable (you're 9? You're a really good writer ;)), so bravo for that!

Hmm. So, you got out emotion pretty well, too. You sent us the message of Hades's anger and her frustration through dialogue and words (like just writing-no dialogue), which is fantastic. Awesome job on that.

The only suggestions I have are to make it a little longer. It seems a little short to me, but then again, it's your chapter, your story, you do what you want. ;)
The next is to break up Hades's appearance a little. Okay, so a little description about what he looks like at the beginning is fine, but try to get it all through out the chapter.
Lastly, what exactly does the place look like? Besides the first paragraph, we get nothing on how this underworld looks like. Maybe you described it in the previous chapter (so my bad on that part, if that happened). But still, try and get some more imagery about the place in there.

Awesome job, keep writing!

~ EternalRain

Thanks, Rain! I did work really hard on the description, but once you pointed some other things out, I'll try to fix them later. But girl (or boy), you have to know this. I dedicated my life to that length of the chapter! :D

You're welcome! I know, don't worry. Description is ALWAYS the hardest for me. As well as lengths of chapters. Haha.
Anywas, hope I helped :)



Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan