"Father!" I gasped, and I wanted to tackle him in the dust. After fourteen years, he just showed up now! Yet, I held myself back. This was Kronos, the Titan who tried to destroy my friends, who had killed some of them, and who possessed one of Percy's former guides. He could kill me by opening his mouth. Although I kept all that inside my head, he seemed to know what I was thinking. I blinked, bracing myself for the screaming and chaos, but surprisingly, Kronos just laughed evenly, as if we were old buddies skipping beneath a rainbow.
"Hello, Jasmine. Long time, no see." He smiled, revealing a row of black teeth. Kronos stepped forward, as if wanting to look at me closely, but suddenly something pulled him back and my father disappeared out of view. "Curse these chains!" I heard, and Kronos stepped into view again. So he was imprisoned in Tartarus.
"I...I..." I was at a loss of words, something that almost never happens. Sadie tells me I talk a lot.
"And who are these...people?" Asked my father, snapping me back to reality. I had a feeling he had wanted to call them something other than people. Maybe trash.
"My friends," I replied coolly. "And don't even think about touching them."
"Well, why would I want to do that? We do have to work together, after all." Kronos chuckled again, as if the quest was some sort of joke.
"Lord Kronos...can you summon some food?" Will blurted out, seemingly still shocked by the prospect of Kronos and his best friend talking so well.
"Alas, I cannot, since these chains will not allow me to use my powers, and I have succumbed to them." Kronos sighed and tugged at his bondings, eyes flaring as the fetters tried to yank him back again.
"Wh-what can we d-do to help?" Asked Sadie, stuttering with fear. I wanted to reassure her that everything was alright, that this Titan who had tried to demolish Camp Half-Blood wouldn't kill her. But even as I wanted to comfort my friend, I had a feeling I was trying to convince myself as well. My father tapped his chin thoughtfully, as the small movement alerted the chains and tugged forcefully at Kronos.
I had no idea how, but he sent a telepathic message to me: bring out your sword. I almost imagined a little emoticon at the end; Kronos had said it so casually I might have thought he was saying, go to McDonalds to get a Happy Meal.
Unsheathing my weapon, I brought it down on the bondage, successfully cutting through them and freeing my father. Kronos shook his wrists for a moment, then snapped his fingers. A whole kids meal appeared in front of us, and I was slightly offended. How old is fourteen, dad? He didn't have to go to McDonalds, because every Titan in the world can summon Happy Meals. (Note the sarcasm.)
"Oh...my...gods." I murmured, then dived into the food, Sadie and Will following my example. Shoveling French fries, chicken nuggets, and a chicken sandwich into my mouth and washing it down with lemonade, I had the best meal I could get in days. As soon as we cleared the tray, I turned to Kronos and gave him a hug.
I think he was as surprised as me. All he could do was stand there in shock as I embraced him tightly. He finally came to his senses and gently shook me off. I swear his eyes were a little dimmer.
"I will...blast you out of here." He decided, and with a wave of his hand, we started walking backwards. I saw us going back in time, past the arai and the eidolons and Arachne and all the way until we were at the edge of Tartarus. It felt ridiculous to be falling up. Kronos, my father, appeared next to me and grinned.
"This is cool." Sadie whispered in awe, and backed away slowly from the edge of the dangerous pit. We didn't want to fall in and start our adventure all over again without Kronos to help us.
"Oh, yeah. Here's your dog." The Titan waved his hand, and Mrs. O'Leary materialized next to us, wagging her tail and almost knocking us over. I hugged the hellhound's furry neck with joy, not even caring if her thunderous bark almost made me deaf.
"We'll, let's go, and-" Kronos was cut off by a resonating boom, flashes of black lightning striking where we just were.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Yes... hello, Kronos.
Starting the sentence with 'so' doesn't sound right. Connect it to the previous sentence somehow or change it to something like I realised he was imprisoned in Tartarus.
...alerted the chains and they tugged forcefully at Kronos.
I like the Happy Meal reference!
I think it was slightly too easy for a demigod to cut the chains, when a titan couldn't. I suggest you write in some problems. But that said, it's not easy to get a titan on your side and that happened- I think it was great to see a 'more human, caring' side to Kronos.
Good chapter! I'll head over and review another one now.
Timmy here!
Hello, review day buddy! Let's get this show on the road.
This is an interesting story, and very well written (especially if you add in your age. Wowee! eight years old and writing stuff like this? Wow.) It seems to be a fanfiction on the Percy Jackson story, or something along those lines... I love the story, and it seems as though Kronos may be the villain, but then he seems like he may not be. Curious. He doesn't seem too evil in the way you describe it, but more like a benevolent overlord. Domineering, yes. But evil? The way you bring him out makes him seem not so evil - or at least not as bad as the Percy Jackson books say. I wonder if he is evil in this, or just a confused person. Hmm... Gives me something to think about. Also, this didn't sound like it was written according to the perspective of Percy, so that is really neat. Kind of like telling the story from a different POV -although this sure doesn't sound like the same story I read with the Percy Jackson series, even though it has the same characters. (Mrs. O'Leary and stuff, ya know.)
A few things I noticed...
Seemed rather contradictory, especially when you read what follows directly after. All those terrible things her father did... and she still wanted to hug him? Doesn't sound like something a person like that would do - even if they share blood relations.
Okay, so you have a little problem with ellipsis. (...) When doing those, remember that they are just thing to show trailing off, hesitation, etc... They need to have a space after the word so that you aren't putting two words together as one. So, instead of: I...I, you should have had I... I. The space in-between makes it two words, instead of one. Not a big deal, but something to keep in mind for the future.
This part and the next confused me a bit. I mean, the narrator didn't actually say that some food just popped up. You just said that: Every Titan in the world can summon happy meals - but you never said that he had summoned it, and you never told us there was food there. You just told us that you dived into the food, but never told us how it just appeared. So you missed a step there. One thing in writing: You must always, always show every step with something. Otherwise, your reader becomes confused and that pulls them out of the story. Confused means they are focusing on understanding what is going on, not focusing on what is coming up - and your neat story. So just make sure everything is clear there, and no problems.
Forgot to end this with a quotation mark. A little thing to fix up, but very necessary. In fact, this entire piece would be a lot more enjoyable if you went through and worked on a few things. Mainly the way you indent should be worked on a bit. Either you indent the paragraphs or you don't, but never do only a few. Probably a formatting error, but it also takes your reader out. Besides that, just a few punctuation errors (like the ellipsis and quotation marks) could be worked on for the future, but besides that, I really liked this piece. It is telling the story from a different POV, and while it's obviously Percy Jackson fanfiction, it is written in a different way, and is a refreshing viewpoint for the story.
Keep going! You got this.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hey, Wisegirl! I haven't read any of the other chapters, but I'll try and backtrack as soon as I can, okay?
Happy Review Day!
Ooh, Percy Jackson fanfiction! Now that's something you don't see every day. I like the title you gave this chapter: it's the kind of long-ish kind you always find in that particular series; just be careful of not giving everything away. Riordan used to sum up his chapters in a vague-ish way, but he always managed to surprise us. Just make sure the surprise-factor isn't mowed over and you're good to go!
Even though I'm jumping into deep waters here, I was still amazed at how well everything flowed, and how easy it was to kind of sort of understand what was going on. Will is the main character's best friend, and there's also Sadie. Kronos is her dad--backstory I don't know yet, it's probably been told before--and she knows Percy, which is all well and cool. Hrm. This is also very well-written, Wise! Good job!
One thing I didn't understand as I began reading was why the MC--Jasmine, right?--wanted to hug Kronos. Sure he was her father, from what you've told us so far, but I still don't know why she had that urge if she knew he was evil? Maybe you could explain that a little more clearly. It could also, of course, be me being obtuse since I haven't read the chapters leading up to this one, but I think it was strange.
Will blurting out randomly also didn't really suit the situation. If he was so shocked, why would he try to speak to Kronos in the first place? I didn't really understand. Maybe him being a little more hesitant would make sense? Or even if you told us Will's hunger got the better of him or something? Maybe that would make it more believable.
Your character development is also pretty good. Jasmine was immediately likeable, although her actions towards Kronos I didn't exactly understand. Kronos' good-natured-ness also felt a bit out of character, but maybe that's been explained in the chapters before? It still stands out, considering he was such a major bad guy, and I'm wondering what could have been powerful enough to bring such a change.
The part with the Happy Meals made me laugh. XD Your narrative voice is quirky and I enjoyed reading it.
PM me if you need anything. I hope this helped~
Keep writing! Keep it up!
~Pomp