No One's POV
The fight went on. Demigods fought until their arms were no longer strong enough to hold their swords, but the monsters kept coming. The smell of blood infected the atmosphere. Kronos wasn't lying when he said hundreds; the campers were outnumbered ten to one. It looked like a hopeless battle; wherever you looked you could see fallen campers. The Athena cabin tent was crushed underfoot by a giant, and some people went down. The Hephaestus campers were busy fighting and swinging, but their specialty was making traps and weapons. They were falling everywhere. The Aphrodite cabin was frightened by the prospect of monsters invading and stealing their Prada bags and makeup, and that motivated them a bit, but they weren't much against enemies. Some were busy screaming over a chipped nail and a ruined manicure, some were trying to fix their hair, but the monsters took advantage of that and rushed in for the kill.
Castor, son of Dionysus, was actually very athletic. However, he wasn't much of a sword fighter, and there was really no competition between him and a dracenae. The monster whacked him in the side with her spear, then tried to run him through. He managed to jump out of the way in the last moment but he was starting to tire.
All in all, the demigods were crumpling to the ground every second. Monsters kept coming, wave after wave. Camp Half-Blood seemed to be losing, hard as they fought to protect their camp. Chiron shot arrow after arrow and kicked any monster coming up behind him, but everyone knew that he couldn't continue forever. Even some of the camp's best fighters were heading into the infirmary. All the healers were working as fast as they could, sending out warriors when they were feeling a bit better, but the wounded kept coming.
Camp Half-Blood was losing.
Camp Jupiter
Reyna, the praetor of Camp Jupiter, was running out of people to send out to fight. She kept ordering legions to draw their swords and charge, but every five minutes hundreds of her warriors were gone. Her best fighters were running into battle to avenge the fallen. However they weren't enough. Her legions were running low on population and everyone had gashes or wounds that were bleeding so much her medics ran out of gauze. Her best strategists were hard at work trying to beat the monsters but so far they had nothing.
She kept multiplying her forces. She could do that, send strength or courage into her troops, multiplied by the number of her forces. However every time she did that she felt a portion of their pain. And that was a lot. She staggered every time she did it. Her medics were working as hard as they could but to no avail, as the injured kept coming in. Monsters kept falling, but they kept marching. Demigods fell as well, and many of them were down. As Reyna scanned the battlefield, she realized that almost nothing was going well. The only thing that lifted her spirits was watching demigods injure monsters, but that hope was held down by the fact the the monsters seemed only angry and whacked their attackers away. Metal flashed and campers slashed, but her camp, her Roman camp she had been praetor of for five years, was under attack. And it didn't seem likely they would make it.
The campers were grabbing weapons from the fallen and fighting, but both leaders of both camps knew that their efforts were almost hopeless. Monsters stretched as far as the eye could see. Healers struggled for ingredients they needed to make potions. Demigods were falling everywhere and only about fifty were left on the battlefield fighting with all they could. And only one thought was running through all the campers' minds, fighting and hacking in both camps.
This is war.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey, wisegirl! It's review day so I'm back to read some more of your fanfic! I'm having trouble motivating myself to review, but I enjoy this story so here goes...
Uh oh, the camp is in some serious trouble! I like the way you described the battle, there's nothing wrong there. Although, you seemed to give Castor a lot of the spotlight. Maybe mention some other campers' names as well.
The Athena cabin tent was crushed underfoot by a giant, and some people went down.
This saddens me, the poor demigods! But how could only a few go down if the tent was crushed under a giant's foot? I'd imagine the large majority of them would have died.
but that hope was held down by the fact the the monsters seemed only angry and whacked their attackers away.
Firstly, you've got the written twice. Secondly, you could perhaps say that the monsters got angrier, because they were probably already angry.
War it shall be. Great job! I'll head over to the next chapter.
Hello again.
Well, I don't see many grammatical errors here, so good on you for that. Characterization seems well-put. I guess that the only thing I can dispute with here is your phrasing choice.
Your range of descriptive techniques could be widened a bit. There are some places that felt a little flat:
"It looked like a hopeless battle."
"sent out troops of warriors."
"legions were running low on population and everyone had gashes or wounds."
"Her best strategists were at work trying to beat the monsters but so far they had nothing."
"Metal flashed and campers slashed"
"fighting and hacking"
These sections, I felt, could've been amplified with better word choice, visualization, or literary devices. For instance, instead of "sent out troops of soldiers," you could say "ordered a charge with a flick of her wrist." Something to place the reader within the action. Granted, you're doing a fair amount of that already, but the heat of battle is something to cherish in a novel. Also, gashes are a type of wound, just as hacking is a style of fighting. Phrasing is one of the hardest aspects of writing, so it takes a bit of practice.
What I appreciate about Riordan's work is that he uses literary devices to great (and most times comical) effect. For action scenes, I'd recommend imagery, similes, and hyperbole.
Watch out for repetition. Watch out for repetition. For instance, you may want to change "Camp Half-Blood seemed to be losing," since it's similar to the ending sentence, which should be the most impactful: "Camp Half-Blood was losing." You also might not want to refer to Reyna's power as "it" and "that" twice in the same paragraph.
As for grammatical issues, commas after "However" and "every time she did that." Start new paragraphs after "They were falling everywhere," "he couldn't continue forever," and "every time she did it."
I suppose I'm just grasping at straws here, because I can't find any inherent errors with this piece. You can ignore this if you want to, but it's still an opinion, I guess. Cheers.
-Chaser
Thanks so much for your review! I tried my best to fix the places you pointed out, but I'm afraid I didn't do a very good job. >.> Oh well. Thank you anyway!
Hey there, yizhongt here. Let me start by saying that I did not read the earlier chapters, so I don't really know what's going on. That being said, I was actually quite taken in by the story. Probably it had to d with the fact that there was so much action involved. It is like turning on your TV to see an exciting or epic battle sequence happening, you don't know why its happening but its good that you stay on the channel to see it through. That was what I felt while reading through this. I honestly had a fun time imagining how camp Aphrodite would fight t protect their Prada bags and their reactions to their broken nails and messed up hair because they engaged in combat .
I did not notice any spelling or grammar mistakes while I was reading through it. All in all it was a good read. I'm actually going to check out what happened in earlier chapters cause like I said, the story pulled me in.
Keep on writing. Cheers !!
Thanks for the review! You made me feel good.