My group froze. We didn't know that the person we were looking for had been following us all along! But now that he was here, I almost wanted to run away and hide in fear. Chaos isn't the best thing to stumble upon. Turning around slowly, I unsheathed my sword, but I knew it wouldn't do anything to something like this. Still, it was comforting to know I did have something that could wound or kill.
"What a pleasure to see you," Chaos continued in his cold, cruel voice, although my group knew he had been observing us ever since we left the Underworld.
My father handled it surprisingly well. "And what a pleasure to see you too. Now, since we have discovered you are a stalker, what brings you here?"
"Oh, the usual, to...get rid of these unworthy mortals. To deprive them of success on their quest."
"And why?..."
"You would know, dear Titan, if you hadn't switched to their population. I want to see the world crumbling down, of course. To see Mount Olympus---the gods, and the mortals---fall."
"Cliche," I grumbled, but as used as it was, the sentence meant serious danger for the human race.
"So the little demigod decides to talk," Chaos sneered, turning his head towards me. His eyes bored into my soul, and I got the feeling he knew each and every one of my secrets.
"And I say you won't see your dream," I snarled, suddenly feeling brave. I raised my sword and charged at him, forgetting weapons wouldn't do anything to Chaos. He simply raised his hand and a wave of fire burst from his palm, melting my sword blade and also burning off a piece of my hair. Sadie growled and took a step beside me, as did Will.
We all ran toward Chaos. I yelled and kicked him where the sun doesn't shine. He didn't even wince, though. That's what happens when you're immortal. "Stop, girl." Chaos growled. "Yield! You godlings are powerless. You're the pawns of the gods. They manipulate you, growing stronger because of you every day. You're worthless."
His words stung. I knew that the gods didn't interact with demigods as much as they wished. I knew that they almost never approved or praised us. But it didn't matter. They had no part in this. In the Battle of Manhattan, many had become wounded from battling Typhon, trying to stop him from getting to the mortals. They had helped. They didn't deserve this. I glanced over at Sadie and Will, and noticed their faces. I guessed they were thinking the same thing I was. Chaos was immortally stupid.
I threw myself at him with such force he toppled backward and hit his head hard on the ground. I felt no sympathy as I whacked him over and over with my sword hilt. Chaos finally managed to say, "This isn't over, girl. I will kill you soon." With that happy thought, he disintegrated.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey, wisegirl! I always love reading your chapters on Review Day. They're fun and are a much needed break from more serious works.
We didn't know that the person we were looking for was following us all along![/img]
Although it still makes sense, it's always better to say had been following rather than was following. It sounds much nicer.
[b]"What a pleasure to see you," Chaos continued in his cold, cruel voice, although the my group knew he had been observing us ever since we left the Underworld.
Haha, that's a nice surprise for your characters! You made a small typo after although.
I am trying to see the world crumbling down, of course. To see Mount Olympus---the gods, and the mortals---fall."
I'm trying to see the world crumble down, of course.
You godlings are powerless.
Nice humour. XD
With that happy thought, he disintegrated.
This is an excellent way to finish the chapter, it also sounds quite funny.
I'll go to the next chapter now. Please keep writing!
I'll fix those. Your review made me laugh like the Mad Hatter.
And believe me, I know what that's like.
Oh my. I just realised my terrible formatting. XD Ah well I'll leave it, I guess it adds to the humour.
Yes, of course.
Here we have another excellent novel on YWS in which the author seems to write faster than the reviewers! If you haven't already, it might be a good idea to put this up for adoption. There's a good chance someone will "adopt" your book, and review every chapter! There are a lot of Percy Jackson fans out there!
I notice that all your paragraphs are indented, but your dialogue lines aren't. They all should be indented or shouldn't be. I know that weird things happen when you transfer your writing onto YWS, so maybe this is because of that. If you can, though, be sure to fix your indentations to stay constant!
You need to either get rid of the "the" or "my."
When possible, it's good to refrain from using dialogue tags (like "my father answered," "he replied," etc.). In this instance, your reader should already know that Chaos is speaking, so the tag should be removed.
Here, instead of using hyphens (-), you should use what's called an m-dash (—). You used it correctly but just used the wrong symbol. Unfortunately, YWS doesn't let you type an m-dash (--- is the best you can do), but I have a site bookmarked that has the m-dash on it, so I can easily copy and paste one when I need it.
To the head, or his head?
Wait—Kronos is her dad??? If I'm right, that's an awesome twist!
You are quite a talented writer, my friend! I had two favorite parts:
-"'Cliche,' I grumbled, but as used as it was, the sentence meant serious danger for the human race."
-"Suddenly I didn't care...deserved worse than this."
The first one is humorous but ever so true, and the second one was just superbly written. The hair part was especially funny!
The only negative thing I can find about this is that this is a very short chapter. But to be honest, I love short chapters, particularly as a reader. It makes me want to read more when I see just how short that next chapter is! So in a way, short chapters are a good thing. If they have an engaging beginning and an end with some sort of cliffhanger, like you have here, then you're set! And of course, reviewers on YWS are more inclined to read something on the shorter side.
Nice job! Keep up the awesome writing!
Thank you so much for your advice!
Wow, I haven't read any of the previous chapters but I really like this work. I'm a huge fan of fantasy and action and this story is the epitome of it. I like Chaos as a villain, he seems really bad-ass.
"And I say you won't see your dream," I snarled, suddenly feeling brave. I raised my sword and charged at him, forgetting weapons wouldn't do anything to Chaos. He simply raised his hand and a wave of fire burst from his palm, melting my sword blade and also burning off a piece of my hair. Sadie growled and took a step beside me, as did Will."
That part was descriptive and really awesome, I like how strong you made Chaos seem. In the end of the chapter though the protagonist seemed to prevail as she overcame Chaos, which presented her as strong, loving and protective of her friends. Overall, great work.
I'm surprised this hasn't gotten more reviews!